Monday, August 25, 1997
5:33 PM

It's an incredible day outside
The start of fall
I have not the left the house
I do have the windows open
The fresh air rushes over me and wafts away the smoke from my cigarette
I sit typing

I feel depressed today
So much on my mind
I could ramble on for hours
My own thoughts are overwhelming me

I'm thinking about what I can see out of the corner of my eye
About my peripheral vision
The words of Perry Farrell
I was looking at Justin's site again
Reading the

Letters to Xiola
I can relate…  I can feel the voice behind those words
Not a complete understanding, I am not there, I am not him
But the feeling is shared
I woke up at 3pm today
Called a collection agency
Money depresses me
Those words that came from Perry all those years ago are lost
Part of the past
Like Ginsberg
He graces Yoko Ono now for articles in Mondo 2000
Is that the fame he has found?
Is it the truth he has discovered?
My musical idols are aging
Their visions fading
Rollins lost his rage
Skinny Puppies die
Tin Machines break down
Pixies return to the ether
Are the youth still sonic?

My angst is still here
With or without the guides
My need to escape is stronger than ever
Drunk, alone, driving last night or was it this morning?
My mind was bubbling on that journey
I thought about ending it
I pretend I never do that
But I do… too often
Tried it once
That's how I met the one who burns in my heart
To far away to hold
To far away to fall from her pedestal
My love is a dream
My emotional self only an embryo

I want to get away
I am in my parent's home now
It drives me to want to escape
"I'm saving money I told myself"
How blind was I to not see the repercussions
If I was not here would I have found the motivation to do the things I have done this season?
Probably not
An unpleasant truth

I must escape
I hate my job
I have been there too long
Have not gotten anywhere
It challenges me, it makes me analyze, and I am good at it, one of the best
Even still I am unfulfilled
I want to create
There is no outlet for imagination in helping to solve problems that are always the same
Where is the answer?

I must leave
Find new work, find a new home
I look to somewhere I have never been
I look around and see a cold dark coast
One filled with oppression and hate
When I look afar I see a coast that is bright and tolerant
A land of milk and honey that is inhabited by people that share my dreams
I tell myself it is the land of opportunity
It is where I want to go
I believe that I can create there
My heart wants to change the world from there
My perception of my destiny leads me there
San Francisco is a golden dream

So many have given words to my ears of their search for their soul
I know mine
I know it is incomplete
Wires and electronics are a part of mine
Art is the essence
I can not resist the urge to create
To express
I am not finding these components in my world
My golden dream seems to offer them
Am I leading myself astray?
Only looking for an escape?
The end is an escape
Following dreams seems so much more valuable
What have I to lose?
Silly question
The answer is always the same:

Perry is singing to me
Some people should die
The bigger you get, the wider you spread
Your vision is dead
I want to be that pig in zen
Give me your money
All your riches
So that I may follow my dreams
So that I may create
So that I may open your mind to a world you may not even be able to comprehend
I've always liked Perry
His name, like mine, is not his
Rather it is a play on words that gives you insight into the person that it represents
Perry Farrell
Alek Traunic
They seem real, but they are not
Only icons of the men that flaunt them

Will I go to San Fran?
I think so
Soon I hope
I hope to meet my gods there
The one's responsible for creating the influences on my life
I want to know their humanity
Maybe Lance can tell me of Mission Street
I can overhear visions of the future while sipping mocha in a coffee shop

My mind is exhausted now
I have much more to say
A heart and soul full of emotion and ideas
Comments on reality
But I can not formulate the words now
I'll smoke another cigarette
Take a shower
Go for a drive in my car
Let the fall winds roll over my face
Try and find something to make me smile
Forget my past
Dwell on the future
I hope you are dwelling on yours
Maybe you see me in it
That makes me happy
To think that people I do not know will be part of my life
Seems like common sense
It is something we take for granted
I can not let that happen
Every second is too important for overlooking what the next will hold