Thinkspace

This is what's on my mind

I'm not real excited about my job right now
in fact i'm pretty pissed
i lost my office today, and got shoved in a storage closet
it's a big room but i'm forced to sit facing a wall
with my back to the three entrances to the room
I don't have a phone in my office anymore, no more voicemail
this is also where people bring their broken computers
so i have groups of people having conversations behind me while i try to do my job
i HATE people looking over my shoulder
the desk is too short for my legs to fit under the keyboard tray
grrrrr
i'm just really ticked off
the head of IS does not see the web as a signifigant part of the organization so this was his choice
he sucks
nice guy, but total old school DataBase person
all about the mainframes & COBOL
he hates PCs and does not see web development as an IS job
he wants me to move to Communications
i don't wanna, but this is so lame that i'll prolly give in
the people there are not computer people by any stretch of the imagination
i WAS pretty excited about this
but since the people in power don't give a fuck
why should i?
enough....
no more bitching, i'm sure you have enough in your own life
have a good weekend
- Friday, April 24, 1998 at 16:52:12 (EDT)

tanks steve.....
but you ain't seen nuttin yet!
- Thursday, April 23, 1998 at 18:44:43 (EDT)

i just drove home my new car
a saturn SL1, dark blue, lotsa gadgets
it feels very plastic
i've gotten used to the Malibu
but i guess it's better than the '83 camry
like you care....
sad part is i don't really either
trying to convince myself i'm happy about this
but i'm not, i did not want a new car right now...
maybe i can drive it cross country though
that should be fun
- Wednesday, April 22, 1998 at 20:26:01 (EDT)

sleeping.....
lot's of it
- Wednesday, April 22, 1998 at 00:49:37 (EDT)

damn it
i hate this network at my job
for some reason is hust won't connect to SiD, i fixed the soapbox
but it won't let me FTP it up!
grrrrrr
and they refuse to listen when i tell them this only happens here
- Monday, April 20, 1998 at 14:49:40 (EDT)

wow what a weekend
so much happened, so little sleep
you have to love it when a bunch of stuff that would be memorable in it's own right happens in a couple days
in the middle of the night friday & saturday morning my heart was ripping out of my chest
i'm falling, falling hard
in a magical way, intertwined with visions and passion
only one person could know where i speak from, she will read this and smile
the pieces of the puzzle are coming together
that paper covered with dreams that was exchanged amongst children so long ago comes closer to coming true
Tinkerbell... Pan is waking up
Oregon
---
bn came to habitate with me all weekend
we are the kings of richmond
i love that kid to death!
even if he does give me shit for not liking it when i get screwed over!
i wish he could just stay up here
i don't want to be in richmond without him
hmmmm.... might save me some money if he wasn't here though ;)
and maybe i would get some sleep
but what fun would that be?
we have taken up residence every night at the super cool 3rd street cafe
friday night was chill
he got up here late and we just went to the cafe
we said "Richmond rawks, Norfolk sucks" enough times to make you ill
Saturday we tooled about a bit and did some club hoppin
he knows a few people and was able to talk to at least someone besides me
it's funny that we are both so shy
but together we have just the right chemistry that we get a slight bit of bravery
the vodka gimlets helped too
clubbing was fun, hard core music
tons of amazingly attractive women
afterward we went to 3rd street and were in awe of the waitresses (as we are every night)
an extremely attractive girl asked for my phone number
it seemed like she was playing a game so i asked why she wanted it
she said i was cute, i was flattered, she got my # & gave me hers
not thinking much of it Bn and i went back to my apartment and he wrote a song intro on my computer
i'll upload it soon and let you hear how talented he is
sunday we decide to call the gurlie 'cus we were being all cocky and figured "why not?"
she was happy we called! kewlie; so she gathered up two friends and we went out
they were young, 17,17,19 but company is nice and having fun knows no age limits
i took everyone to a swanky cuban resteraunt and treated them to great food
the girls are southern folk and not very "cultured"
they had never been to a place like that before, which gave me a certain amount of pleasure
we had a good laugh when they found out what the chewy calimari stuff on their salads was
each claiming they didn't eat a bite... LOL
it was almost a shame that they were too unaware to even appreciate the quality of the place
they asked the waitress if they could get a burger and fries
the waitress laughed and said they did not even have ketchup
it's an odd world and seeing outside my realm of vision is interesting
it was so great to be spending time with a great friend and three stunning women... um gurls
lydia is a woman, these were definately girls
we went back to my apartment and hung out, they played with my computer (CU-SeeMe) and seemed to have a really good time
i got mad about something but i won't dwell on that here [hi Bn]
and tonight we meet up w/ them again!
i have a hang up about the age thing, but Bn reminds me to not be so judgemental, he a good guy
---
something else happened i think
but i can not remember right now
actually closets and sunrises are filling my head right now
painting and prom pics
i'm gleefull, don't want to work, want to sleep, and dream
see visions of them
one to touch and find inspiration in
the other to hear and be inspired by
both to love more than anything else
inner peace in knowledge that they both understand
- Monday, April 20, 1998 at 13:50:06 (EDT)

oh geez,
oral fixations & long warm baths
and how do you expect me to respond to that???
heh
cute & sexy without even trying....
- Sunday, April 19, 1998 at 03:15:30 (EDT)

well that was total shyte
got stood up by someone i've never met
listened to a band i didn't really enjoy
bn is on his way though, hopefully be here in a half hour
that should be entertaining
maybe we'll go to an all night cafe or something
- Saturday, April 18, 1998 at 01:46:12 (EDT)

tonight, oh tonight
well it's spring baby, and I'm makin new friends
i bought three bottles of mead after work and have already downed half a pint
yum, stagger, yum yum
anything made from honey is the bomb
and i've made a new online friend
not going to mention names yet but she seems pretty cool
i'm going to hopefully meet her tonight at the concert she's going to
Emmet Swimming??????
not really familiar w/ 'em myself but i'm listening to web auidio samples and um, they seem alright
i guess
not really my thing
but neither is Belizbeha
and i love them to death, if you never have heard 'em screw SiD and go to their page right now!!!
so wish me luck in having a good evening
and a big hug to puce for callin last night
& keepin me up waaaaaaaay to late
yawn
but i love her to death
couldn't figure out what i was trying to say last night but that's it
she's got permanent space in my heart and soul, love, only word for it
now i'm gonna go do sumthin
- Friday, April 17, 1998 at 19:47:29 (EDT)

ya ever notice how neato cars look right after you clean 'em?
there is a compnay that makes ramen in a cup
their name is smack
that makes me laugh
'cus i'm cookin up some smack right now
it's the little things i enjoy
- Thursday, April 16, 1998 at 18:47:54 (EDT)

being home sick has one benefit, i want to keep writing in my journal
i started William Gibsons Idoru last night
and i've set some kind of reading record for myself because i'm almost done
80 pages left of a 380 page book, pretty good for a guy who never reads books
so i did a little surfin to get more info on the guy
i found dc-k which is old but still pretty cool
and then there was the "official" site, but it's dead now, so i emailed the sweatshop guy
he said that bill and himself had done the site once but now he was working on other things
so i went to check that out
which prompted me to ICQ the URL to a few people with this message
"so what the heck is this and why can i relate?"
go look, maybe you can tell me
bn thinks i get erections when i watch wrestelers
i told him he was wrong
that i am actually a-sexual and only get turned on when i look at maps
fever - burn baby burn

if life there are sometimes people that you are not really close to but you count on just "being around"
and when you don't see them and make some idle chatter once or twice a month you miss them
i miss G
a really hard person to understand so i stopped trying
but she was still someone i looked forward to seeing
she is 100% responsible for SiD becoming a reality
but there was some bad blood in the begining
money always does that
i don't even think she reads the site now
but i wanted to say hello to her anyways
it's sometimes suprising the people that pop into your head when you least expect it
- Wednesday, April 15, 1998 at 23:58:14 (EDT)

just drove to drop off my taxes
i'm runnin an evil fever
i had all the windows rolled down in the car but did not feel a thing
it's hard to keep my head up
but something really cool happened during the drive
at one point i felt very detached from my body
like i was dying or something (at least that's what i kept thinking about)
suddenly the car was filled with the aroma of honeysuckle
the radio was playing a great Smashing Pumpkins song, landslide i think
i felt very at ease
total inner harmony
then the exit for the Post Office came up and i snapped out of it
but i knew i had to write that down and share it
i mean this is my "journal" and all
so i use it to keep record of the cool things
- Wednesday, April 15, 1998 at 22:30:50 (EDT)

hed
lyk
brik
fever
ache
acid
in
throat
tired
:(
- Wednesday, April 15, 1998 at 20:02:39 (EDT)

i'm getting sick, this sucks, my throat is all raw, my muscles ache, and i'm really tired
i have to do laundry, mail my taxes, deal with getting no money to replace my totaled car
i need to finish unpacking, clean my apartment, and take out the trash
i'm hungry
have to get some dishes out of boxes, set up the microwave, and prep the food
i hate illness
it makes everything seem bad, real bad
- Tuesday, April 14, 1998 at 18:47:25 (EDT)

i am not going to be so bold as to think what i am about to say is true of all artist
but it is most definately true for me:
whenever i view another artist work i feel competative
i think of how they did something, how i could do it better
my ego runs rampant in my head
well sometimes someone (Steve in this case) suggests i take a look at something
that old ego kicks in and i click away
sometimes what i see makes me want to pack it up and go pump gas for the rest of my life!
if this were competition i'd be crushed like a bug
my praise and admiration goes out to Alberto Gabriel Mendoza & his GaboCorp
believe him when he says he is making the future of the web!
- Tuesday, April 14, 1998 at 12:02:03 (EDT)

design can be a major pain in the ass!
you can never make everone happy with how something looks
and if one person is unhappy all the people that were singing your praises five minutes ago turn on you
they start picking at little details that never mattered before
"that's too plain", "that's too busy", "too many colors", "we need something more vibrant"
ARGH
i spend hours trying to fit a glut of information into a 620 X 400 space because they don't want to scroll
i want to make something interesting
but there is no room for fluff
that's it!.... i'm gonna go home and take a nap
- Monday, April 13, 1998 at 17:15:02 (EDT)

talking to puce on the phone
she is really happy
and justin i didna mean to slam ya, those pictures are hell
but props to ya for being good to someone i care greatly for
- Sunday, April 12, 1998 at 18:38:24 (EDT)

a shout out to all those keeping the PC faith at Graphics-3!!!
- Friday, April 10, 1998 at 09:24:40 (EDT)

well heck, it must be spring
how come you ask?
well if you have to ask then you must be under a rock
it's coupling season
every gurl has a guy
pairing up in that unaccepted primal urge to mate
humans climb out of the trees that they have huddled in all winter
they can smell each other
see each other
pheremones

Sonik Yute it screaming about wanting to "hit it" in the background
this song is great too!
one of the best bands ever

working on a trend of being a recluse
shrug
so what, ramen for dinner every night
and a glass of mead afterward
got drunk on honey wine last night
having some more tonight
it's a nice buzz
i could easily do this every night

i went to visit Graphics 3 today
i'm going to have them do some high quality prints for me
then i'm gonna do a gallery show
i'm going to be a "pro" artist
probably lose all kinds of money
but what the hey.... art IS life and all that jazz

ahhhh, i'm nice and tosty
kinda suprised i can type
that's all chickadees
now go out and breed
- Wednesday, April 08, 1998 at 23:21:20 (EDT)

i just reread the "my words" and "about" sections in anticipation of some new eyes viewing the site
i am almost suprised at the clarity i wrote with
given the distance of time i am still very content with what i have produced
that is so very great to be able to say
SiD5 will finish with a sense of completion
unlike some of the other issues
i realize now that in publishing one should not expect too much of themselves
it is better to undershoot and be pleased with the results
than to try for lofty ideas that may not happen
failed ideas can create a displeasure with even the ones that worked
with this in mind i casually stroll into the next issue
the things i have already written are bold, daring, and off the wall
the reading of books has helped
some graphics have already come together
the cover still awaits inspiration
the Capatain Hicks issue will be a more intense yet casual approach
- Wednesday, April 08, 1998 at 10:42:14 (EDT)

in reflection of daily postings:
i read something powerfull just now
from a web site that only get's updated when she feels there is something worth saying
maybe things are not as "impressive" that way
i meant the commitment part of it
but on the flipside i value each word more because of their rareity
when i put myself to the task of a mostly daily thought pouring i find substance missing
but if i go a month without new words
does that mean my life is that boring???
- Monday, April 06, 1998 at 22:48:28 (EDT)

hahahahahaha
the phones were on since i moved in, i just never bothered to check
i hate this change the clock stuff
i had a big mac to eat today
i'm starving
but everything is closed for sure
um....
Sonic Youth - 05/07/98 - 9:30 Club - DC
i've never seen them live
i missed pigface
hopefully this will work out
of course the only times they play near here are thursdays
blah, but it's only 2 hours
thurston is worth it
sweet dreams kiddies
- Sunday, April 05, 1998 at 23:45:49 (EDT)

this weekend i return to the beach to move
finally
come monday i'll have most of my thingies w/ me
i'll also have my phone turned on
so no more of this skimpin on the journal
i'd say it's going to be two weeks until SiD6
but it's looking really good
i'm out
going to be stopping by infinet in 3 hours so keep an eye out
i hope everyone has a good weekend!
- Friday, April 03, 1998 at 16:42:04 (EST)

i got a subscription to a great service today:
ArtToday
if you are doing anything with graphics it is by far worth the price
i am truely amazed!
- Friday, April 03, 1998 at 11:51:32 (EST)

i forgot to mention this:
congrats lydia!!!
going to be stateside huh? We must meet!
i'm sure your happy, lots of luck
- Friday, April 03, 1998 at 08:25:04 (EST)

if you love music you must go here!
- Thursday, April 02, 1998 at 10:21:24 (EST)

LOL
April Fools!
glad to see some of you caught on
actually i spent a few hours last night writing some for the SiD6: The Captain Hicks issue
i envision it at a collection of short stories this time around
should be fun
the first one is really funky
- Thursday, April 02, 1998 at 09:10:11 (EST)

last night i met Pat Robertson of the 700 club & the Christian Broadcasting Network
amazing as it may seem he has seen Silicon Dominion
he offered me 70k a year to come be their web designer
so hell yeah!!!!
moving again
but he said he did not approve of me having my own web site
so this is it for SiD
i'm selling the domain name to some referal company
see ya later
- Wednesday, April 01, 1998 at 15:56:48 (EST)

so um... holy shit???
life is so freakin weird
yesterday i dumped the crappy real esate people and found another pad
(special note: as i type this the guy called to tell me i got it!!!!)
better features and a lower price
only drawback is it being further away from the art kids
but heck, for saving 200 bones a month i'll manage
i got my first big paycheck for being a web designer too
eyes got digits
pretty soon i'll be able to invite a certain blond geek gurl to come up and visit my punk ass
last night i needed to get a place to crash for the next few days
i went back to the place i stayed last week
but they were all booked up, so the manager calls another hotel
he tells 'em that i am a valued frequent customer (lie) and he would appreciate if i recieved a special rate
that was so super cool!
if you are ever in Richmond, VA sleep at Extended Stay America becuase they rawk
so there i was all freaked and happy and hungry
so i walk over to a nearbye shopping center and there is this chinese place my dancing richmond friends spoke of
how weird that is was right there
so i cruise in and have some of the best shrimp fried rice i've ever tasted
yum
when i pay for the bill i got a fortune cookie
"Your luck has been completely changed today."
i musta laughed for ten minutes
think i scared the old chinese lady serving me
but it seemed to be true
and all day today has been great as well
i got caught up on a great deal of work i had blown off thanks to the apartment crud
and my mom even called and said she and my dad were sorry for this weekend
it all seems very good
hmmm.. maybe i should be worried

been thinking a great deal lately
of note is Justin's pages
words on art are always interesting
he also linked off to here
which i recomend all of you read, makes me question the value of SiD
i think that is good to do
makes me strive for a site that everyone can value

and Philip K Dick
he has resurfaced as i read more from The Shifting Realities of Philip K. Dick : Selected Literary and Philosophical Writings
there is so much there that i wish all of you could read
funny that when i searched for one essay in particular it was Justin who provided it
i wish it was the whole thing and not just the end
even though the man is a "SciFi" author he often rambles into more philosophical ideas
he speaks of humans living their lives as androids and how the criminal element if good
why?
because they refuse to follow the rules that make everyone the same, like androids
a deviant mind is one that stands out from the crowd and can not be predicted

it grows late now
i'm still at work and the cleaning lady wants me to go
so i leave with one more site
- Tuesday, March 31, 1998 at 18:18:29 (EST)

steve... lisa points out that i was pretty much an ass
if ya notice friday was the day many things kinda went to shit
you caught some of it in the kisser
sorry pal, i know you meant no harm
the guestbook html is really fubar (look at the older entries), and i'm not going to fix it either
just going to go ahead w/ the next issue
that's once i have a place to empty the car
- Monday, March 30, 1998 at 13:24:28 (EST)

I now sit and debate if I shall even continue
This weekend past being one of the worst ever (Lisa you can just fuck off and quit reading right now (I like the redesign though))
Richmond has been hell
I think back to that first weekend I drove up here
There was something that going through my head
It was a line spoke by Ed Harris in Just Cause
�You got the trial of Job ahead of you boy�
I can not really explain why that was in my head then
Maybe because I knew things were going too well
I got a job doing exactly what I wanted
Higher pay, getting out of a dead city, getting away from InfiNot
Too good to be true
And so it was
The job itself has been great
I could wish for nothing more right now
Everything else though
I searched so hard for a place to call �home�
Expecting to pay $450 or so
I keep seeing prices in the $600 range
I keep looking
Then a breakthrough, a two bedroom for the right price, central air, washer/dryer
Perfect
So I work with the real estate people for a week and a half
They get me all excited about how great the place is and how much I�m going to love living there
Finally I�m ready to sigh the papers
I go into their office and they inform me that I�ll be a good backup
Backup???
What the hell?
The whole time they already had someone else�s money just waiting for them to move in
Wasting my time
I felt cheated
It took me a few days to get up the nerve to start looking again
As each day ticks off I lose more money to hotels
Becoming more and more broke
Another real estate company has some good prospects
We play phone tag
They finally fax me a list of available places
I call them back to confirm the four I�m interested in are available
They are they tell me
So that night I drive by the apartments and they look great
The next day I begin the phone tag again
Finally someone who could show them to me is on the line
As I read off what I want to look at they tell me none are available
What???
Why did the other person say they were?
Dunno
FUCK
So I look again
Finding nothing
It was around this time my car gets smashed up
Another distraction
More stress
More time and money lost
Sarah (yes another one) from CCG calls
She found a cool little pad
$550 a month and no central air
Not worth the price
But I�m running out of time
So yeah sure
Have to move quickly though and spend money I don�t have
So a call to the parents
I had already borrowed money from them and still owe on phone bills
But if I did not get the deposit in I would lose this one too
So they fork it up
I was still in a predicament
This past Saturday was the end of my week paid up at my current hotel
The money spent to ensure the apartment left me without enough to stay another week
So I had to be in this weekend
They assured me this would be no problem
They just needed me to pay for the remaining days of this month
Alright� I could do that
So I go in Friday to do such
They change their minds and expect the remainder of this month as well as all of next month
This after I told them I could not pay for next month until the first
I am also informed the rent will increase to $575 in May and that I am to sign a one-year lease
A one year lease that lasts 14 months
What???
I tell them there is no way I could have that money right then
So they slide the keys back into their drawer
So I go back to the hotel, panicked and outraged
I had been lied to yet again
Why must I fight with these people to give them my business?
So Saturday I packed everything into the rental car and waited
You see the rental people had left a message for me, I thought maybe we could work something out
I paged them
They never called back
So I left Richmond for Virginia Beach
Thinking I could find understanding, comfort, and compassion in my parents home
Two hours of driving with nothing but my frustration to dwell on
I arrive and am greeted by a surprised smile and hello
I had not called first
We enter the house and I explain the situation, and my frustration
Am I welcomed with open arms?
No!
They begin to yell at me
Accusations of being lazy and not looking for an apartment
Of wasting their money
Of not caring about them and only thinking of myself
I was already angered by all the crap I had been dealing with
I tried in vain to defend myself and explain
The yelling escalated
I could not be heard so I too began to yell
This kept going until finally:
�God Damn it don�t you dare yell at me, this is my house and you better not yell at me, and if I want to yell at you it is my house and I damn well can�
I stood up �fuck this� and left
I did not need that
It was not helping
So I returned to Richmond for more hotel dwelling that I could not afford
On the way a rock flew from the road and cracked the windshield of the rental car
I�ll have to pay to have that fixed
So here it is Monday
I have not enough money in my pocket to stay anywhere tonight
My bank account is empty
I might get my paycheck today, might not
I have no family (I refuse them� bastards)
I must decide if I want to be �raped� financially for a dwelling I�m not that excited about
If I get the place I will not be able to fix the car that is not mine until the next paycheck
And I have people coming to me expecting work
I am trying so hard not to get depressed
Not to give in and just curl up in a ball
I struggle to keep going
It does not look to be getting better anytime soon
I put off work and sit here typing in a near catatonic state
Maybe I am just sobbing in my own self-pity
So helpless I feel though

I have other things to write of
Related things but too good to be included with this outpouring
Pictures of Sarah and the feelings they invoke
Words of PKD read Sunday that I relate to
Maybe later I tell of these things
For now I bury myself in the wishes of others
And fear the ring of the phone
And the knowledge of the unpleasant calls I must make
Fear that everything I now own sits in a car that is not mine
Parked in a place where I know it may not be safe
This is hell
- Monday, March 30, 1998 at 11:18:18 (EST)

oh my garsh
i have new friends here in richmond
i went to see "far from it: an evening of contemporary dance"
put on by the Richmond Performing Arts Collective
after the show they had a q&a thing and i was the only one who stayed
we started talking about art and all that, went outside and joined 'em for a smoke
we ended up going to a diner and having drinks
Matthew Didner, Sarah Hardy, Ruth Naomi Fainblum, & Kimber Philips
it was great i got all their phone #s and they want to show me around town
i'm so excited
great artists
great people
- Saturday, March 28, 1998 at 00:51:20 (EST)

it drives me nuts
when you need a friends help to do something
and they help you
you feel gratefull
say a friend fixes your tv while you are at work and you let him keep your keys
you don't mind if he comes and goes
hangign at your pad is alright, you're friends
sometimes he even does you favors, like getting your mail
it's cool
one day he tries to cook you dinner but burns it and ruins you best pot
you understand and ask that he just not do it again
you think you have an understanding
but one day you come home to find the door broken of your microwave and broken dishes
what do you do?
he's still your friend
it's obvious he was trying to help
even though you asked him not to
what did i do?
i changed the locks
but i still have to fix the microwave
sigh
- Friday, March 27, 1998 at 18:39:12 (EST)

today???
well I've been slacking in the journal department because i've been doing so much living
i did not even mention that Sarah called me
revealed all that was interesting the past month in Japan
i hung up only to realize i did not tell her i love her
i felt bad about that
so i'm rushing out the door now to get the keys for my new apt
i found some good linkage today
it's really hot and humid outside - yuck
music? - Ned's Atomic Dustbin... any album; no, make that all of 'em
- Friday, March 27, 1998 at 15:52:09 (EST)

steve i was just looking at the guestbook and you went in and started taking things out again didn't you?
told ya not to do that
>:(
- Friday, March 27, 1998 at 10:48:48 (EST)

Hi Chelle!
no.... the homework never ends
when you finish school they just call it "hanging with your friends from work"
nice thought huh?
;)
it's ok though, just think about your carrer path before you start looking
work toward getting a job you want
and then the "homework" can at least be something you enjoy
like in my case discussing operating systems over a vodka & lime (hi bn)
go look at lydia's site... she puts great effort into it
and when she is a famous artist she will remember you!
hopefully zach is getting Sorted out....
i need to get an addy for you to snail mail me a tape
and i should email you to get word on your life
so many things to do
steve thanks for letting me know you don't think
today has been non stop on the go
got to shoot the breeze w/ the web master of City of Virginia Beach
he's 22 - DAMN!
i'll get you a URL of his personal stuff
cool guy, hope to keep in touch
i'm going away from work now,
going to eat dinner and hopefully write more later
- Thursday, March 26, 1998 at 17:20:05 (EST)

i'm a pathetically bored person
so i'm putting my phone number for the next 48 hours online
804.285.2065x7862
- Wednesday, March 25, 1998 at 22:35:23 (EST)

today i think i finally found an apartment
living room and kitchen downstairs
bedroom and bathroom up
spiral staircase between
i put money on it in the morning
tonight i ate Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
mmmmmmm.....
spoke my mind open with lydia
and my night ends with Sarah's words from japan
it's been too long, i've missed her greatly
sleep well
- Wednesday, March 25, 1998 at 22:21:59 (EST)

no love in the soapbox? come on, just click that "your words" link!
so anyway
a few people have mentioned the Captain Hicks issue of SiD
well today at work i was inspired
learned some new photoshop tricks
so the work has begun
a new design, of course
and a return to color!
but i'll state it now:
with my current job i can very easily become HTMLed out
so don't be too demanding
i'm thinking a 4.0 browser only version
i want to try out all the new toys, like dhtml
maybe i'll keep that to just one section
so i have to go do laundry 'cus i slept through it last night... sigh
and i can not forget to get food too, even the digital kids gotta eat
so take care,
and remember - bn likes to entertain idiots
steve digs on eunichs
and i'd maime to see pigface
current cd in the player: The Smiths + "Strangeways, Here We Come"
- Tuesday, March 24, 1998 at 18:49:46 (EST)

looking for a voice
a distraction from my distracted head
escape into someones soul
yours always reliable
dates like clockwork
your non verbal word promise of fresh speak
the main is the same
i move on
on to the secret inside
for the first time i see your image that i have seen before
new eyes opened in regret
the green mirror of you
i dwell on your face
your hair
the way the light highlights your breasts
why did i refuse your offer to let me see you?
too tied up in sex to see beyond, see inside
you are beauty_full
after a time of artistic observation i see the something new
i reach to breath it in
more than i expected
i am trapped in honest out pouring
a mountain of the sandmans dust drowns me
building your heart image like rome around me
it hurts
my heart becomes a wet twisted rag for you
pained by the desire to be that person you speak to
to have in me the capacity to reflect your pasion
still reeling from the aknowledgement of your sculpture
the greeks crafted your beauty
and now i find that heaven crafted your soul
envy
for the one you wish to tame those infernos inside
burning like a star
but so much hotter
afraid maybe of burning that which tries to touch
your words of dream do justice to feelings that have no description
i can feel what you say
because you say it as dali would have painted it
i can see you
i long for the time when i thought i would hold you
the intensity of our being bringing tears
my hand on your face, lips against your ear
drawn back in time i find myself
a time so soon gone
but so long seems
i... so bold with you to assume i could be these things i see/hear
i have lived with that assumption from the start
i promise you that my lies are truth
just as yours are
we can perhaps dream of escape to a place together
all our lives forgotten
do you remember when i whispered in your ear
a taboo i spoke no knowledge of
that act that we found in each other
that person i was that night is what i wish for you
a secret untold of how to be him with you
these days i dwell on it not
maybe though, i should revisit those times
will you join me?
- Monday, March 23, 1998 at 17:05:04 (EST)

sometimes the web amazes me
just look at what you can find
- Monday, March 23, 1998 at 15:38:02 (EST)

howdy from richmond
brought my puter w/ me
HELLO ICQ!!!!
- Sunday, March 22, 1998 at 23:16:24 (EST)

eye kant think, my ed urts
so don't read my page today
go read hers instead
'cus she is one of the coolest people ever
- Sunday, March 22, 1998 at 13:43:35 (EST)

yeah bn, i gots yo comforter
you need to tell people how to find you on the weekends bra
i'm down at tha beach and your bedding is in my trunk
maybe i'll leave it w/ steve
not much time cus i needs to skee dattle
so punk up kids, and go out and enjoys tha weekend
- Saturday, March 21, 1998 at 19:29:56 (EST)

good day to you friend,
i feel not so well these days
for three weeks i lived without the pain
but stress now of my life eats away at my guts
i spend an hour here an hour there, my arms wrapped around myself
groaning
i am being beaten from the inside out
it keeps me from functioning
it hurts so much, so much discomfort
a private pain, humiliating

sarah, my love, would you be so kind as to send me letters of japan?
you are the light of the sun that i pluck from that great orb to feed myself
i am starving without you, a small reminder would do me well in this troubled time

on the more pleasant side:
i did get another car
it's pretty phat, a malibu
i think i might even buy one myself at some point
and i have been meaning to mention that my office is infested with ladybugs
don't know if that means anything?

GRRRRRR
i have had this entry sitting on my desktop all day, meaning to add more
but i'm burned on HTML right now
i don't want to write another line of code
so have a good weekend
better than mine i hope, as i will be homeless by saturday night
i've done nothing to prevent it because i am so tired of all the hassle
but that's a story for another day
- Friday, March 20, 1998 at 18:20:05 (EST)

i regret not reading my email yesterday
there is so much i missed
so much now that i don't know where to start
overwhelmed
yes lydia i know what it is like to not want to react
i want not to now
a bit insane now i think
PKD style
thanks in part to reading secret places that were assumed i knew of
but i did not
we share so much in this little web world
we forget what some know and others do not
if it's online i demand that you know it
even though i prolly can't even remember the stuff on your pages
the more i put here the less i have to live in real life
my existence becomes more of the machine
so that some future artificial intelligence can read these words and simulate the person that i am
how great that would be

this next part is for puce:

derailed train of streamin sumthin reaction:
muse
ironic that you desire to be what i desired you to be for me
ironic that we have both faded from that desire
ironic that we can not explain why
if you held acid in your hand it would seep into your skin and you would trip anyways
mr. mojo risin liked opium
the act of talking demands an audience

i read and i listen, like always with us
one listens, one talks, then we discuss
i reacted to what i needed to react to, the rest is perfect, not requiring verbal reaction
i hear you, i agree with you, i watch you, from a few more years past
you hold that intrest in watching you crawl from your cocoon
from the begining i told you that's what i wanted to watch
sometimes if we are honest, more than that, if we voulenteer information that we don't have too
we seem fake
but that is my own shocking way: to tell you more than you wanted to know
to keep your time with me at such an intense level it seems not real
you dear are a drug
keeping my mind moving at speeds to fast for reality

current music: Talking Heads: Sand in the Vaseline - Popular Favorites 1984-1992
- Thursday, March 19, 1998 at 15:13:19 (EST)

start of the redesign looks good steve, i'd get rid of the borders on the table though
and damn that is a snappy logo ;)
- Thursday, March 19, 1998 at 08:58:39 (EST)

drove a geo metro last night, thought i was gonna die!
those things are coffins on wheels
mom called me up to let me know she would delve into the credit cards to help me get an apartment
say some prayers for her or something 'cus that is the greatest
so i searched even harder today and found four prospects
gonna drive by them after work today
one is a block away from the VA museum of fine arts, that would be kinda cool
LOL just remembered i wore my Star Wars tie today, it's the one with pics of everyone from "A New Hope"
it kicks tail
i was surfing here which led to here
i think lisa will like that band (the second "here" link :)
puce redesigned her page, go visit and email her nice things 'cus she is sick
not much else, i got a bitch of a headache and it's distracting me
so party on bill and ted, or was that wayne and garth....
oh whatever
current CD being played: Pet Shop Boys: Alternative - Disc 2
- Wednesday, March 18, 1998 at 17:03:54 (EST)

Happy get drunk day!
Happy green day
i got my green Docs on
and geez i need to get drunk
this has been such an awfull day
it started with insomnia, never fun
at 2:30am something nice DID happen: puce called
it was great to hear from her, we were silly, our lives are silly
after we talked (i hope ya feel better soon!) i tried to sleep for a few hours
tossing and turning i finally dragged out of bed and prepped for work
ok... that was fine
two blocks away and BAM!!!, a vice chairman for a national bank plowed into me
his fault totally, he knew, prolly drinking the coffee that was spilt all over him
so i managed to get my wrecked car back to my dwelling spot
called one of the nice folks at Computer Consulting Group and she gave me a ride to work
i spent the rest of the day playing phone tag w/ insurance companies
finally i can relax a bit 'cus they are bringing me a rental car
so once that was settled i called about the apartment
seems i got my hopes up for no reason because somebody else got it
it was such a sweet pad too
sigh.... two more weeks at the Homestead Village
but life keeps on trucking on right?
so tonight i hope to go out and have a good pint

lisa why do you insist on viewing everthing about me negatively?
i used to think that it was me
but now i know you just choose to see me that way
too bad we did not get to talk when i was down there
i would have told you how good this isolation has been for me
how free my mind is to be creative
how much i am like the person i was when we first met
yes my heart longs for a place to call home.... but that is just one aspect of the person i am
and that desire is not an unreasonable or hopeless one
regardless of all the little bumps in the road i am very excited about how the book of my life is opening up
i wish you could accept that
every day my head is full of dreams
sometimes so full i can not even sleep
these dreams seem closer to my grasp with each passing day
nothing can stop the flow now, i won't allow it

ack, just looked at the ashtray and realized i smoked like a chimney today
lovely taste
so astralwerks is the bomb
FSOL: ISDN & Photek: Modus Operandi - two CDs i got saturday, i really dig some ambiant muzak
not much more to report from the front
been digging in to that PKD (Phillip K Dick) collection i got and i highly recomend it to all my friends
doubly so if you read any scifi
also recomend this months Modo2000 to any comic fans 'cus it has a great interview w/ Frank Miller
so party irish tonight
and think of me as you watch your Guinness swirling in it's glass
- Tuesday, March 17, 1998 at 16:52:13 (EST)

just finished the presentation of my new design for the departments homepage
it went really well, the commisioner of agriculture for virginia was there and everything
i'm pretty excited

sometimes we do things to ourselves that make us act dumb
when we are drunk we do things that we have a hard time NOT doing sober
and it's not possible to be rational when people try to stop us
but we are all human, and able to forgive
but we must remember to ask for forgiveness

i emailed lydia, hope she likes it
need to email quite a few others as well, gimme a little time to get my computer again and i'll catch up
i promise
and puce i was dumb and left your telly# back at the beach, could ya email it to me?
so i gots things to do, like going to look at an apartment (yah!)
so i'm out
but thanks to everyone for being so cool
SiD is something very special to me, and i like to think that it is to you too
- Monday, March 16, 1998 at 12:58:31 (EST)

about to leave the beach
hopefully be back next weekend briefly to get my stuff
but after that i'm gonna stay away
yesterday lydia called
really cool to talk to her, wish i had more to say
i'll take notes so that next time we talk i'll have some ideas to bounce off her
went to an infinet party last night
bunch of the old crew there
living out all their silly drama
was good to hang w/ steve; before he found the jell-o shooters
pretty much kept my distance though, let everyone do their own thing
hi Deb, it was nice to finally see you outside of the job, would like to have talked more....
i realize now that i'm really quite homeless
i mean i have a roof over my head
but mentally i have severed my ties here
yet i don't have any in richmond
i feel a bit lost
well......
if i don't go now it will be very late when i get to bed
take care all
and one last hello to isabella, someone i miss having 2am talks with
- Sunday, March 15, 1998 at 18:10:07 (EST)

oh I'm at the beach and stuff
whoever has my # here gimme a call
or ICQ if the line is busy ;)
- Saturday, March 14, 1998 at 15:46:56 (EST)

Justin still rawks but what's new?
so much chaos!
things i gotts do in the next 72 hours:
finish a major redesign of the Dept of Agri's web site (big task for only my second week!)
get everything together to present it at a board meeting monday morning
find out if my paycheck from InfiNot went through
find a place to call home, this includes calling real estate places and viewing prospects
- if i don't do the previous then i have commit myself to $600 for two more weeks of staying where i'm at
laundry
iron
return to va beach/norfolk
drink w/ steve and hopefully bn
call puce
finish reading neuromancer
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
so i'm kinda stressin
the first four things got me really worried
lisa i wouldn't mind being drunk too
and lydia, steve will be able to fix things for your machine when you call him (lucky bastard ;)
what else?
oh SPAM.... i got on a list somewhere 'cus i never get it, but the last few days have been out of control
it sucks
alrighty, well everyone i hope you have a good weekend
maybe I'll write tomorrow since I'll be at my comp (New Order: Best of, good tunes)
- Friday, March 13, 1998 at 08:16:41 (EST)

this morning i woke and prepared for work
as i left my hotel room there was fresh snow on my car
lydia, when was the last time you saw snowfall?

neuromancer is getting to me
i am burning through it
high on my own imagination
i feel as though i am being let in on some great secret
i know these things
i am a part of this cyberculture
my own life something akin to science fiction
23, alone in a strange city, making a living by creating things people the world over can view via the "net"
and Case... I know him, his name is Sorted
his is the face i see as i read
i sit in this office feeling drugged
having read a few more pages on the public transit on the way here
ignorent of the breathing in and out of passengers
only able to relate to this silicon at my finger tips
not the meat that fills the office
i think to myself that i want to be in Chiba city, and realize that i am almost there now
just give me some trodes and a deck

REM noises are filling the room now like a scented candle
no new email last night
no more words for now, maybe later, maybe not
goal for today: find a hovel
- Thursday, March 12, 1998 at 09:03:33 (EST)

it's been a busy morning
not much time to write anything today
but a big hug out to Bn, who is probably still sleeping in my hotel room right now
he came up for a visit last night
we were totally insane, at one point we were driving around speaking in tongues, bad chinese mostly
and that lasted for almost an hour!
the whole night was great, even though richmond was boring
he's one of my bestest buds
around 3:30 or so (2 hours of sleep, ouch) we got back to the room
there was a message on the room's voicemail that someone had left after midnight when we went out
"that's odd" i thought. figured it was maybe puce
so i played it and a sweet voice melted me just by saying hi and wishing me well
i replayed it a few more times, each time just grinning and feeling "awww shucks"
Lydia i don't know what to say
sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest impact
- Wednesday, March 11, 1998 at 12:03:47 (EST)

ARRRRRRGH misery
i feel like ass, was two hours late to work
and why?
well i thought i would be smart and ride the bus in to work
two fitty a day versus eight bones
how could i pass that up?
so i parked in the fan yesserday mornin
when i rode the bus back after work i could not find my car
i walked for hours thinking maybe i was being dumb and just forgot where i parked
but nothing
eventually i called the cops
only to find out my car had been towed from a street that was not posted as no parking
$60 later i made it home
fuck
welcome to richmond

so here i am at work, the person i need to work with is out sick so i don't even know what to do today
i popped in my radiohead CD and read my email
already thinking of ya Bn and there is this bomb in my lap
what to do man?
i dunno man, follow your heart
it's always led you astray before, why stop a good trend, smirk
i'm of the opinion that bad karma is in store for those who act too quick after a fall though
i hope you follow that vague statement
but i don't need to give you advice you already know how to live your life
HAHAHAHA karma police is playing right now, oh the irony
i doubt i will be there for the cramps :(
i'd love to come down but i just can not stay awake past 11
i've tried, i just can not do it
wish i had known how to contact you this weekend 'cus i would have really enjoyed hanging in c-ville w/ you
804-747-8898 then 411 - 427, that's the hotel where I'm at
i am going to be coming back to va bitch this weekend though
so if you'll be there we can get together, need to ask you about checking my snail mail anyways....

i have a bit of guilt weighing on me about my last entry
there are three women that i really like that may have been offended by what i said
that was not my intent
just the opposite really
these "virtual" relationships are an odd creature indeed
last night as i steamed about my horrid day i was reading an article in wired about Ginsberg and the connection between the beats & the digirati
us
it spoke of how people function differently online, different aspects of their personality emerge
the thing i find most powerfull about meeting someone over the net is that if i choose i can be blind of any faults
a person whom i only know from their words is just as much imagination as reality
these three idoru
i can see isabella, and our words are more superficial
she is the most synthetic, no proof that she is real at all, we only interact while i am watching her
she probably has never even read this page
but that's fine, that's her program, in the not too distant future someone will write an AI just like her
puce is more than type
i know her voice
i feel her more as a friend that moved away than an online person
the worst part of that being that i never keep in touch with my friends
i typically treat the digital ones better
proof that she is real? ha! i've got the phone bills to prove that
but all joking aside i really do care about her
and that bothers me a bit since we have never really met
another drawback of the online world is that there are nomally heavy limitations on experiencing the people you meet IRL
distance being the primary
age being another
so with no hope of the real life encounter the imagination is forced to fill in the gaps
i have a pretty active imagination
and regardless of how i live my life a pretty optimistic view of the world
so enters lydia
for a time it was only occasional contact from her to convey beautiful words
she was a mystery
my imagination had only the kindness of her complements to build a person from
and then a journey through her site and the telling of pain and expression and, and, and, and...
a better picture formed, yet she talks in riddle as to never reveal enough to fully answer a question
eventually we talk through type
but the words i read from her were spoke by the persona in my imagination
a fact not bad at all
in my minds eye she is flawless, innocent, inspired
she holds no error, i would not allow it
she is harmony
the perfect fantasy
part my own desires; part her own creation
almost af if two people collaborated to draw an image of a creature they desire
so this angelic being calls out to me from across the world
this is not the first time i have delved into this sensation
sarah... in japan, five years gone from sight
another name formed with imagination
but i must return to work now, leave that tale to another day
- Tuesday, March 10, 1998 at 14:25:17 (EST)

first things first
Lydia you are the first person who's email I've responded to since i moved
cosider yourself lucky
i hate doing email in pine
sue me
Speaking of dear sweet Lydia her site has been revamped so go see
I am sometimes suprised how quickly the heart can respond to a soul that is in sync with your own
maybe I'm thinking too much
hell knows i've done it before
but i don't care, three emails in one weekend
someone else did that before
but she's on her own blue road now
not that i miss her any less
but we grew too close for anything less than daily contact to be acceptable, when my machine lives with me again...
i feel a bit dishonest though
these online entities
it all ties in to my weekend
well... it does if you look at it from the right angle

gamori called SiD intense
HA... you ain't seen nothing yet
so sit back and let me explain

so my life?
well friend let me tell you; friday:
i jog the fragments of my mind for recolection of that day
ah yes, work late, leave work, drive-drive-drive, get lost
a dark and strange road opened up to lights and shopping centers crammed with tour busses
i was in a place called chester
a movie theatre there, playing a film i wanted to see
a two hour wait until the next showing
i was starving
shoney's was having their seafood buffet
so i strolled in alone, sticking out like a sore thumb amongst all the wal-mart americans
green doc matins glowing
i wasted a great deal of time soaking my fingers in iodine as i shelled steam shrimp
picking at my food slowly and feeling better than every redneck in the place
enjoying the hospitality of my waitress, a perfect 16 year old southern bell
i remember wanting to tell her that her momma raised her right
it was time to enter the dark city
so i traveled amongst the teenagers out for the evening
interesting that so many dates were viewing such a dark film
i enjoyed it greatly, although i regret not seeing it with Bn or Steve
i am a sucker for a story in which time and reality have no meaning
and their use of the third eye was interstingly understated
i left the film with a distance sense of reality
the mind forced ignorance of all sensations of the flesh
a non-chemical induced trip
little did i realize that in the following day this thought would pass my way again
i returned for the last night in the dump
an uneasy night of sleep i was early to rise and move on to my new digs
and what a place i found
everything a person could need, dishes and silverware included
full kitchen
even an iron and board
wow i thought, i promptly went to sleep
i dreamed mad dreams
the details are gone now, but i can remember intense violence
i woke up confused
with the curtains closed there is no difference between night and day
i think i subconciously desire sensory depravation
so at some point in the early evening i decided that i must find more to do than lay still and watch television
i remebered passing a bookstore in my travels and so i went there
does not sound to be much for most people, but for me it is an event
you see i read a great deal, but magazines only
it's been many years since i have even atempted a novel
so what did i get?
well i did get two magazines: Wired & Mondo 2000
and Nivarna's Nevermind
but also four books
fiction... i never read fiction
it's not that i don't want to, they just become such a large time commitment
two William Gibson, two Philip K. Dick
Neuromancer - a classic that i have never read, later i discovered the ironic fact that it is a winner of the PKD award
Idoru - i have wanted to read this one since first hearing tales of it's contents. You see it strikes close to home. The idea is that a "real" person falls in love with a virtual one (idoru). Puce, Isabella, Lydia... i think i can relate
Confessions of a Crap Artist - a PKD book i have not read, not saying much really since i can only count The Divine Invasion & Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep amongst my lifetime total of seven books read.
The Shifting Realities of Philip K. Dick : Selected Literary and Philosophical Writings - a bit of insight on a man with whom i have felt a great deal of connection with

i delved into the immediately
neuromancer and shifting realities first
gibson makes me long for a connection to the ether, interesting and such, it passes the time
but the PKD... how can i explain? can i?
he came to a point in his life where he experienced an awakening
a batlle with what many saw as madness
he spent the remainder of his life composing an 8000 page journal trying to explain this event
the numbers 2-4-74, he refers to them often, representing February and March of '74, the time frame that he kissed the face of an opening awareness
1-23-75 my birth
maybe I'm thinking too much
hell knows i've done it before

i think maybe this is enough for now
i am neglecting my work
so ponder these words
offer me insight
start a conversation
- Monday, March 09, 1998 at 13:46:44 (EST)

props to John O'Neil for emailing me
we used to work together
he's in a band: Midnset
go visit their web site
much more to write about
expect something before I leave work today
i hope
and Tom Waits is amazing at 8am after a coffee & cigarette breakfast
- Monday, March 09, 1998 at 08:00:54 (EST)

about the guestbook/soapbox:
I know some of the formatting has been messed up
if you view the source code there are line breaks and such that are not showing up
in a couple weeks when i get my computer in the same city as my body I'll go in and fix things
sorry about the uglies
there is just no way I'm gonna do that stuff in vi!!!!
- Friday, March 06, 1998 at 14:40:05 (EST)

last night i walked around a part of the city called the fan
it's the homes that surround the college
people were walking about everywhere
talking amongst themselves
i looked so hard for a familiar face, or even a friendly one
in this new place i find myself very alone
i miss my friends very much
of them all i miss puce the most
i miss her voice in the middle of the night
i read her page this morning and almost cried
i know the person who thinks those thoughts
but she is beyond contact now
i feel like a part of me is missing

i am happy here
it's great and all
but i feel empty
i don't feel anything
- Friday, March 06, 1998 at 08:46:17 (EST)

what up you digital dawgs?
found a new place to stay: the Innsbrook one so i'm out of the hell hole place saturday
it's $309 a week before taxes, OUCH, so feel free to send me money!
should be phat though, queen bed!
werd up to sista puce 4 emailin me
go visit her page
'cus she's pretty
and check this:

Date: Thu, 5 Mar 1998 15:19:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Kimberly Blessing <kblessi@brynmawr.edu>
To: chris-list@indyramp.com
Subject: Bells Tour (fwd)
Resent-Date: Thu, 5 Mar 1998 12:21:46 -0800
Resent-From: chris-list@indyramp.com

Hi all... this is a message from Chris himself. Anyone looking to host
Chris and the band?
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 05 Mar 1998 13:39:16 -0600
Hello Friends,
I'm really looking forward to being out on the road and playing again, and
I am looking for a huge favour, can I stay over? maybe me and one or two
people from the band..We are clean and very domesticated ,and very
quiet and polite, If you happen to live relatively near the venue we are
playing at (check the website for those details) we would be Eternally
grateful.Just e-mail me care of Kimberely or e-mail
hitit@nowhitit.com with your telephone number and I will call and we can
figure it out...thanks friends....Chris

as you can prolly tell i'm on a ChrisCo mailing list
too bad he cancelled his date in VA
- Thursday, March 05, 1998 at 15:57:36 (EST)

morning... well for me anyways
govermnet jobs are slack, I'm all ready to bust ass and stay late to finish projects
everyone here is like "don't stress it, just go home, it will get done"
seems obvious to me this is not a fresh young startup fighting for it's place in the market
guess i should be thankfull and enjoy it
hard to do
seems like i got the San Fran syndrom that was talked about in the 5th anniversary issue of Wired
workaholic, when it's something i enjoy; but whatever
listening to a local radio station from Norfolk, makes me feel good
Steve, Lisa, & Lydia have been putting nice things in the guestbook
but Lisa dear i gotta figure out something to do with that big pic... and thanks for forcing me to learn vi, LOL
HEY BN how are things going? thanks for the email
and speaking of email... have i already mentioned how much Lydia rocks? she's the sweetest
have not heard from puce though :(
(hint, hint)

that's all for now...
i have one request though: SiD has been really slow for me, i think it is the server, if you are having a hard time loading it as well just shoot me an email
that way i can know if it's this machine at work or if i indeed need to raise some hell!
love you kids, take it easy
- Thursday, March 05, 1998 at 08:59:37 (EST)

busy day
meant to write about an evil dream i had last night
along the lines of getting killed in a really evil way only to discover that the afterlife was only an alternate dimension where i did not die
damn it i need a computer at "home"
Sarah (the japan one) emailed me
she's the best - priv msg: i love you too!
oh... and steve: we'll get you a new HD soon bra
- Tuesday, March 03, 1998 at 18:52:12 (EST)

so I'm sitting at the new job
i have my own office and everything
the lady i was supposed to meet with is out sick today
they have no idea what to do with me so I'm just sitting here power surfing
pretty boring so far, met some of the people around the office
everyone is pretty cool
a couple people are playing the "I'm a computer god so let me tell you how to think"
they are pretty silly really, I'm just playing dumb to see how much of an ass they are willing to make of themselves
the web site i'm going to be responsible for is painfully simple but at least i finally get the job title i've wanted

SiD is being slow as hell
what's up with that?
stupid server stuff
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!

so I'm staying in this little rinky dink hotel for the next week, maybe longer
pretty scary actually
the city seems pretty cool
nice to be around art school kids again
if you don't know: Virginia's only "art" school, VCU, is in downtown richmond
i walked around loooking for aparments last night and saw all sorts of freaky kids
it was great, can't wait to meet some of the cute goth gurlies

not sure if ICQ is going to work from here???
we are behind major firewalls and i have a feeling i will be cut off while at work
bleck
offline for two days and i feel out of touch

last night i could not sleep at all
tossed and turned until 4am then got up to get here at 6
yawn, yawn, yawn

well all you kids back in Norfolk:
i miss ya already
wish you could be here with me, 'cause i definately don't want to go back there!
and my online pals... email me
i doubt i'll have my computer here for 2-3 weeks so i won't be able to ICQ or any of the fun stuff
:(

take it easy everyone
- Monday, March 02, 1998 at 13:53:37 (EST)

ok this is it... about to walk out the door
goodbye my friends
I'm going to miss all of you: Bn, Steve, Lisa, Dave, Brian, Jeff.....
I'm not really sure how long it's going to be before I'm online again
so don't expect much happening w/ SiD for the next few weeks
take care everyone!
- Saturday, February 28, 1998 at 15:24:44 (EST)

i said goodbye to Lisa tonight
it was sad, but good at the same time
i'll miss her
i'll miss my friend
- Friday, February 27, 1998 at 23:48:04 (EST)

a voice in the night
sad songs
i cried and did not even know
i can feel my skin tight from where the tears had dried
- Thursday, February 26, 1998 at 22:30:19 (EST)

each day seems to reveal more things that worry me about moving
today is unresolved issues with the women i have known here
feelings never expressed, or denied
a bit egotistical i think
but now i am leaving without ever knowing for sure
- Wednesday, February 25, 1998 at 20:04:16 (EST)

just played with the soapbox-guestbook-hoochamajingy
made it faster and fixed some bad entries
thanks for all the playing you've been doing with it
the web can be fun!
- Wednesday, February 25, 1998 at 13:44:00 (EST)

ok kids go to Alta Vista http://www.altavista.digital.com/
and search for "Brain is dull"
this rocks!
- Wednesday, February 25, 1998 at 00:04:58 (EST)

something a bit interesting that Bn showed to me
- Tuesday, February 24, 1998 at 23:34:56 (EST)

Bn my friend I'm really going to miss you when I leave
i realized last night that you are a bit uncomfortable with me retelling our exploits here
so suffice it to say that almost every evening we hang is a memorable one
exeriences, good or bad, that will stay with me

the soapbox has been going nuts
thanks guys, it really means quite a bit to me to see the "conversation"
our own little Silicon Dominion

and puce dahlin
what can be said
i read what you put down, and it made me a bit angry (frustrated, confused)
friendship is not just one sided
your friends want to be there for you, help you, listen
my motivation?
i would hope that you would do the same for me
and so far you have
knowing you has enriched my life
what more can i say
we are both "dramatic psychotics"
that's prolly why we exist with our love-hate friendship
sometimes you need friends
sometimes not
that's ok... be carefull not to push them away though
they may not return
we have lost touch recently
not as in touch with each others thoughts as we once were
it makes me a bit sad
but i'm working on not foolishly jumping to conclusions
so I'm here, talk to me, when you want to..... hug
- Tuesday, February 24, 1998 at 21:11:03 (EST)

alright Steve if you go in and start editing the guestbook again I'm gonna not let you play with the kewl toys anymore
;P
- Tuesday, February 24, 1998 at 18:24:13 (EST)

this city seems so miserable at 7am in the cold gray drizzle
- Tuesday, February 24, 1998 at 07:11:43 (EST)

damn steve you got one ugly mug
hahahahaha
finally someone used HTML in their soapbox entry!
- Monday, February 23, 1998 at 20:28:20 (EST)

it's very late
i just finished watching flatliners
it is one of those films that leaves me feeling cleansed
for the next few hours my brain will be reeling
spinning about in an eletrical firestorm
that is the gift of movies
why i desire so much to make them
they have the capacity to activate some part of our being that is normally untouched
leave us feeling unatural
the imagination can flood the concious with images of unbelivable intensity
lost are all traces of what is considered sane
this is what the best of controlled substances try to capture
i finished watching the film to come in my room and try to extend the high
put on some music: Vagelis - Direct
i see images of a recent dream
of my thoughts on god
on the existence of everything
i will try to capture these things in word while i can
what i record i will place in my words for you to read
- Monday, February 23, 1998 at 04:05:28 (EST)

JADE!!!!
how the heck are ya gurl?
thanks for leaving some thoughts
wish i could be there with Sarah and yourself
hopefully in september
oh, and i won our bet, i am moving, so ha

I'm being a total bump on a log
i think i need to stop staying out with Bn every night until 5am
last night we went to a bad club and chatted with my old pal Jeff
Jeff's gurlie Edna was there too, she is really cool, we talked about being in love with ChrisCo
Bn and Jeff got along really well
one thing that makes me feel bad about leaving is that I'm one of the only people Bn hangs with
we talked about that on the ride home, i hope that Jeff, Edna, & Bn hang after i'm gone
not really sure how to set that up in only a week though

i was a total spaz at the club
being playfully mean, making lot's of off color comments
Jeff hates it when i'm like that, he would never say it but i can tell
i have alway been like that with his girlfriends
i guess i'm jealous
our friendship grew out of the fact that we were two single guys
when he is not we grow apart
Bn and i have a similar relationship, we go out, drink, talk about love and relationships
admire women
he is a musician as well
so many similarities
some day soon Bn will have someone in his life and we will loose touch
i'll prolly be mean to her too
a bit of an issue with me i guess
maybe i'll get a chance to be the one with the gurl sometime
somehow i doubt it though
- Sunday, February 22, 1998 at 19:17:58 (EST)

so much is going on
everything happening so fast
i think I'm going to live out of a hotel for the first few weeks in richmond
that means no computer
no net
sigh
- Saturday, February 21, 1998 at 15:10:46 (EST)

my brain is dripping out my ear
I've had two large cappucinnos
how do ya spell that?
anyways I've been reading this too
i think you could recreate this experience
if you like liquid brain that is
- Thursday, February 19, 1998 at 20:06:26 (EST)

$170 phone bill
all to one person
I've resisted doing it but I think it's time to get AOL instant messenger
- Thursday, February 19, 1998 at 14:37:36 (EST)

damn it
this is a bad day
i was supposed to go to richmond and find a place to live
I have hardly been there and don't know anything about the town
so someone I know, that used to live there, offered to go up with me
he was going to show me around and tell me where to look for the good places
well, I called him last night to ask if he wanted to drive or not
at first he had no idea what i was talking about
and when he remembered he said he had other plans and just blew it off as my fault for not calling monday
he only offered friday!!!!
and again i say offered because it was his idea
i never asked him, i just told him about the new job and he suggested taking me up there
so now I'm screwed
took the day off to go find a place to live
and either i go alone or i am homeless at my new job
but my day gets better (smell that?)
my car is in the shop to get a tune up before i move
the 'rents offered to pick up the tab
so I have been driving one of their trucks about
well i talk to my dad this morning and the car is going to cost $1000+ to fix
he wasn't planning on spending more that $300
so now I'm sitting at home waiting for a ride to go pick up a car that is not even running right
it has problems driving long distances at highway speeds
i.e. the two hour drive to richmond
this day sucks
i can rely on nothing or nobody
i'm not going to have a place to live in two weeks
i can't even leave to go look until i deal with this crappy car
i'm going to get lost once i get to richmond
if i get to richmond
shit
- Wednesday, February 18, 1998 at 10:29:09 (EST)

sick... tummy hurts
- Wednesday, February 18, 1998 at 03:05:15 (EST)

tonight i sit at work
not wanting to be here
wishing more for introspection than service
so i pretend to look busy
all the while scribing my thoughts
- Monday, February 16, 1998 at 23:47:01 (EST)

sunday was a venture into sensory depravation
the mind will reject "reality" if given the chance
all sensation seems foreign
even typing is a struggle
this flesh hold no bearing on my location
- Monday, February 16, 1998 at 02:14:46 (EST)

sleep today... all day
no pink, no hearts
- Saturday, February 14, 1998 at 22:42:59 (EST)

I GOT THE JOB!!!! this is so great!
only two more weeks of tech support and then I'll be a full time web designer
- Friday, February 13, 1998 at 20:05:05 (EST)

almost time to leave
kinda nervous
there is much riding on this job working out
sigh, my tummy hurts from the nerves
have an hour and forty-five minute drive to the interview
that's gonna be rough
wish me luck
---
there is a new poem in the My Words section
check it out
let me know what you think
there is a story behind it
i want to see if anyone figures it out
- Friday, February 13, 1998 at 10:59:19 (EST)

go visit gavin as soon as you finish reading SiD!!!
- Thursday, February 12, 1998 at 06:42:38 (EST)

can not believe i am still awake
i know i'm going to regret this later
have an evil kink in my neck and a black faded N on the back of my hand
my legs ache
too much dancin at the club bn took me to tonight
all the pretty ravers
got home some time after three
did a little surfin and then went to watch the telly
surfin the channels i noticed a movie starting on HBO
figured it's the middle of the night and i'm in the mood for something primal
much to my pleasant suprise i did not get what i wanted
instead i watched The Pompatus of Love
start to finish
the situations are different but the feelings, the thoughts, emotions
i am one of those guys, those are my friends
that is how we are, how we speak to each other, how we view the world
i wish every woman in my life could see that film
most of all puce
i kept thinking about her the whole time i layed on the couch
a little bit of each of those guys can be found in every man
very pooh like
piglet and tiger are part of every boys soul
that has to be one of the best films i've seen
high on the "i relate to this" scale
very Chasing Amy
and now i will sleep
hope this kink goes away
and in just over a day i interview for the job that could make the rest of this year amazing
change me forever
- Thursday, February 12, 1998 at 06:28:23 (EST)

more good job news
interview friday, the consulting group ppl that set it up think I'm a shoe in
less than a month from turning 23 and shaving my head change is most certaintly in the air
now if only i would not be alone on V day
beggers can't be choosers i guess
mand i hate that line
parents said it all the time when i was growing up
- Wednesday, February 11, 1998 at 23:04:08 (EST)

steve is great
I'm so glad we are friends
shame that M is sooooo freaky
they were sorta involved and now they are not
somehow she has decided that her and i must be friends... i don't know her
really don't want to
she is the total right wing, bible thumping, big military, conservative type
makes me want to vomit
and she challenges me to break her
fuckin nutbar
and poor steve is is stuck because he is the one i usually turn to to complain about this crap
argh
drama... annoying drama
whatever... yeah sure chick we are friends, fine
-----
talked to cera/sarah/cilantro in japan on icq while i was at work
she is the best
last time we talked we got in a fight because she said she was going to join the military
i was totally against it
was pretty mean about it too
last night she said hi and asked if i was mad
i said no; she said cool and asked what's been going on
no grudges between us. it's so nice
i told her about maybe getting a new job
about it being a contract that will be over in 6-8 months
that when it is done i will have saved enough money to visit her
if i get the job i'm going to japan!
how great that would be
- Wednesday, February 11, 1998 at 03:10:40 (EST)

at work we got into a discussion of why the punishment for acid possesion is higher than cocain
i asked if anyone knew of and deaths directly caused by LSD
nobody knew of any
we all have rocking internet connections so we set out to find the answer
within five minutes we had all been stopped in our tracks
http://www.acidtrip.com/
captivated... our work performance dropped off imediately
go there.... go there now!
and if you are on a modem I'm really really sorry
- Tuesday, February 10, 1998 at 19:13:14 (EST)

something to check out is interFACE Pirate Radio
Sorted told me about it
great sounds in the morning, well morning for me
- Tuesday, February 10, 1998 at 12:10:24 (EST)

I can not believe i missed monday
not a single entry
was a busy day i guess
i got a job offer of sorts w/ a contract position
it would be really cool... i really like the idea of a limited time employment
no long term shackles
and it's out of town so i would have to move
that would be really cool
knowing my luck the Rosenthal internship will come through now
and then the art institutes will call me and ask me to be a proffesor
then again... maybe not

i am watching Isabella
she is so cool, my thing for dancers personified
and she is so sweet to me
i owe her a big thanks for lending me her "ear" on saturday when i was going on an artistic rant
i would love to live near her and persue an erotic friendship
she gives off that energy
we could paint on each other and take pictures
the human canvas
and again i must say she is really really nice
more than just pixels on a screen
well... goodnight world
- Tuesday, February 10, 1998 at 03:31:05 (EST)

the lunch was incredible
my head is still spinning with inspiration
the company was incredible, real peple, real artists
i have never experienced the company of such intensely creative people like i did today
it is just a part of who they are
not a second thought given, it is just being true, creating is just what they do
so i sat with them and ate lunch
we made fun of faux meat
talked about performances and thrift stores
some of the people at the lunch assumed i was part of the company
Amy Knoles and i had a good laugh at this
she was super cool, i think i must persue working, creating, with her
they were all so friendly
i must also say hello and thanks to Michael Sakamoto, Rochelle Fabb, and Tad Coughenour
i sat at the table with them
Tad was a bundle of energy just wanting to dance all the time, i envy that
Rochelle was chill, nice & holding her head from the long night before
i was in awe of Michael, somehow i felt at ease with him, and his talent is incredible
as i wrote of Karole Armitage on August 20 i adore dance
i have always wanted to be a dancer, the movents Michael made were what comes natural to me
yet i have let my body slide, ignored it's good health, hmmmm there is always time though
as Rachel Rosenthal proved
i regret not spending more time with her
she was caught up in the schmooz game of pleasantries and quickly forgotten compliments
it's ok though, she earned their praise
i'm going to email my new friends now
prolly ask if they could use a house boy out there in LA
- Sunday, February 08, 1998 at 23:45:55 (EST)

Saturday evening i went to see THE RACHEL ROSENTHAL COMPANY
I feel empowered
I'm going to sneek into a private lunch with her today
i would love nothing more than to run away to LA with her and be an artist
- Sunday, February 08, 1998 at 04:58:45 (EST)

tired... really tired
a couple hours on the phone with puce last night
we talk better nowadays, more open, less trivial
sometimes she doesn't like to listen, especially if I'm complimenting her
she will listen to all my self-doubt and be kind
much kinder than I would be
someday I'll meet this gurl
I think we would get along nicely

tracked down an old friend
his page is a bit outdated, but you can email him about that
he is the one responsible for geting me excited about what can be done on the web
he is the only person i have known in real life that was willing to push this medium as far as he could
and at that point he would kick his ideas ten feet further
he had mojo style
he was an ass, which made me admire him that much more
in fact i think he is the only web developer i have known with an artistic background
we went to the same college
James is the shiat, need i say any more?
- Friday, February 06, 1998 at 13:52:33 (EST)

just watched THX 1138 on Bravo
first time i actually was able to see the whole thing
ironic that just last eve i spoke to friends of my thoughts on the military
i view their treatment of people much as THX was treated in the film
i have been raised in a region with a high military concentration
here there are only two mindsets: those that love and those that hate it
i am of the later
i refuse to surrender my free will and independence to be owned by a govermnet organization
more than that though i despise the fact that anyone else should be expected to do that
being humiliated and degraded as a human being to the point that you no longer think for yourself
resist and you shall be punished
to hell with that
- Thursday, February 05, 1998 at 14:39:41 (EST)

ewwww been up too long
didna even proffread that last one
I hate it when I mess up words that should be so powerfull
maybe I should stick to pictures
make the world GUI
- Thursday, February 05, 1998 at 03:20:29 (EST)

I see a picture that makes things make sense to me
i think that is people on communicated with one tenth the words they use now
and replaced the rest with images
the world would make much more sense to me
- Thursday, February 05, 1998 at 03:18:40 (EST)

getting ready to go to work
it will be my first wednesday in over a year
as miserable as I am at my job i just got a promotion
i get to put senior in front of my job title
and show up monday thru friday four pm to midnight with a smile on my face
I work more hours and get less pay
at least I'm not on the phones all night
and i work directly with my favorite irish kid Steve

been slacking on SiD_V
maybe tonight I'll come home instead of going out for a drink and then I can do more cool stuff
So many friends, so few pint glasses
I may have to build an ark to get home tonight
the area is being hit by some pretty hard rain and they were sandbagging the first floor of my office building last night
this should be fun

Sarah in New York goes by Puce
Sarah here goes by Marooon
just occured to me how funny that is
- Wednesday, February 04, 1998 at 12:44:37 (EST)

was not online very long yesterday
not much happened, paid bills, bought new music
puce... :)
now I must sleep
- Tuesday, February 03, 1998 at 03:13:38 (EST)

last night I went out with Sarah... the local one
I was exhausted from work and I doubt I was much fun
the club where we were going to see music has gone out of business so we did the only thing there is to do in this town
drink
bar hopped for a while; oh baby what fun
but I did enjoy myself
it was like spending an evening with a stranger that you were completely comfortable being around
it's been so long that we hardly know each other any more
we even looked into each others eyes a few times and I felt the butterflies in my tummy
nothing romantic happened though, but the possibility is not ruled out
and so this morning i woke late and came in to work my last sunday
after today it's monday to friday for me
wooo hoooo
Cera in japan traded words with me today over the electrons
we spoke of how people change and revolution, of self and society, of those two things being the same
as always of relationships: bliss and anguish
our love gives me strength
afterward i spoke with David, a coworker
he is a great guy always ready for debate
is war natural?
what exactly does survival of the fittest mean?
can a good leader be a person unwilling to take a strong stand behind their beliefs?
can humans evolve beyond the need for conflict?
i ask if we can deny our nature
much more but my mind and the distraction of voices in this room prevent me from regurgitating it here
- Sunday, February 01, 1998 at 15:04:18 (EST)

it's been a long day
almost forgot what it's like to be around geek minds for a 12 hour stint
lots of laughs
I work with some good people
and now it's time to leave... but not home... Kung Foo Dykes
I'm too scatter brained to put anything I'm really thinking into words
another time
- Saturday, January 31, 1998 at 20:01:11 (EST)

surfing the puce pages
I miss her

- Saturday, January 31, 1998 at 09:45:58 (EST)

I am work
and i'm awake waaaaaay too early
last night i helped bn move
it was sad, he was sad, lots of unresolved feelings related to that apt
and he has to give up Petee, his super cool pup
no fun at all

gotsta work now
taking calls... sigh

- Saturday, January 31, 1998 at 09:11:31 (EST)

things to do today
can not believe I'm awake right now....
and i have to go back to work tomorrow
sigh
- Friday, January 30, 1998 at 11:53:06 (EST)

things are soooooooo annoying

I'm over it
i want a labotomy, just carve our my mind
so I don't think any more
so I don't feel
no more creativity
no more inspiration
no more dreams

I'll prolly be better in a week or so
but I'll be a little more alone in the world
maybe it's better to be alone than to exist only in someones head
what value is a person that all you have to do is press one button and they are dead to you?
press a few more and they can be replaced with someone else just like 'em
Try as i might to deny this, it is true
what value does it all have?
none at all

hate so real

rage born of frustration
- Friday, January 30, 1998 at 00:36:09 (EST)

Last night i talked to Sarah on the phone
think I could say that about any night if i don't specify which one
this was the local one.
we rehashed the past from 2 years ago
I was all worried about bn getting together with her
he ended up making himself look silly and spent most of his evening with her friends instead of her
his loss
so we made plans to see the Kung Foo Dykes this weekend

and I'm not alone in my blast from the past
Cilantro does the same
our lives act in parrallel
and darling your nose is beautiful

Not much else
slept all day, stayed up until 9am playing War Inc.
put off the work that i must have done by saturday
supposed to call a headhunter but i keep missing her
anybody got any job leads?

and a hello to Deb
she's the bomb like 007

and now to go offline so Sarah from NY can call
so many Sarahs so little time
- Thursday, January 29, 1998 at 18:32:03 (EST)

Cera in Japan saw the MM Bostones last night
we are talking about some jerk named David that gives everyone she knows grief
her little sis has it bad for the kid
and he treats her like dirt
blah, drama from the other side of the world

and some random kid from malaysia is ICQing me
was playing with my settings last night and musta turned something on
when ever i agree to that random chat deal i always get someone who hardly speaks english
ICQ is just not the place to meet new people

Cera i love you... feel like i don't say that enough

and mid conversation she is gone....

- Wednesday, January 28, 1998 at 13:16:20 (EST)

I did go out tonight
it was pouring down rain
I drove a half hour to have one gimlet and play one game of pool, by myself
Steve is sick and bn was on a date w/ Sarah (bastard)
I'm totally broke, toatally bored, totally miserable
i think I got in a fight with Puce too
I was getting too close and the person she really loves has come back into her life in a major way
so I'm at home being all pissy with myself
talking Elly's ear off and watching her in the cam
She's an odd gurl, all the pics ppl have on their sites do her no justice cause i'm hear to tell ya; the gurl is sexy!
she makes me laugh a little
reminds me how horny i am and how much I wanna show some affection to a willing soul

I dunno what to do with myself
quit my job?
I don't have another one yet, and i've burned my bridges before, it's no fun, like stabbing yourself with a non fatal wound
I want out of this town
been here too long, but where to go? how to pay for it?
I'm in so much distress

maybe just play some more video games
War, Inc. is fun
- Wednesday, January 28, 1998 at 03:32:39 (EST)

did nothing today
just took a shower
prolly do nothing tonight

sounds like fun huh?
- Tuesday, January 27, 1998 at 23:00:46 (EST)

Sorted I am worried about you friend
follow your own words of wisdom
Harris spoke in Puce of a moment of weakness
It made me think of you
and now I read that you falter as well
yet if I could have it would I be any different?
a different substance maybe, but i would love to have some, love to have bunches
keep my brain in Jell-O state, little green gergoyles dancing in the shadows
roads dancing off the earth and into the sky
the easy bliss of escape
why are we humans so self destructive?
- Tuesday, January 27, 1998 at 00:30:51 (EST)

Perry... you make want to cry
Jenny, where are you girl?
"I would for you"
"you say my eyes are crazy eyes, sometimes they are, and so are you"

a song can rip the pain of the past right from your chest
like the vision of her lips forming the words to this song
nimble fingers strumming away
- Monday, January 26, 1998 at 22:47:45 (EST)

It is now official:
Steve is now Director of all things too technical for me
- Monday, January 26, 1998 at 19:29:15 (EST)

damn it bn
i just can not win when it comes to the gurls
"Well, thats really weird about that guy knowing you, Bn my AOL friend. So now i feel better about meeting him."
good luck dude

- Monday, January 26, 1998 at 19:22:26 (EST)

another late night
the sun is up and I still have not layed down to rest
Sarah in new york talked for a long time on the phone
a deep talk that we needed, I need so much to sort out my feelings for this situation
regardless of conclusion there is no denial that they are strong

Sarah in Japan was online this morning
was 7pm there, 5am here sigh our lives are so distant
we talked about wanting sex
she can't choose who, I can't find it
and if I could what would i want? the act or the emotion? love or lust

i need a magazine rack
i got issues
HA!
- Monday, January 26, 1998 at 07:23:09 (EST)

It's been a very blah day
still in my pjs
No word back yet from the Sarah that Bn knows, sigh
But Puce wrote about the dream she had, she actually just cut and pasted from her ICQ logs what she wrote me this morning
kinda strange to see the same words again, typos and all

I keep asking myself if it is possible to feel so strongly about someone I have never met
We talk on the phone so often, yet we still can not say that we know each other
tonight our phone conversation was very much like her dream
I listened to her chat with her roomates and install software, i maybe said a dozen word
I'm sorry hon
my head is so full it feels numb, I did have things to say, just too much
intangible things

thanks to lydia for the email. She's nice to me for no reason at all
it is very, very cool

I should be doing web pages for work
I promised I would if i could take the vacation that I am on right now
but i hate my job
I don't want to even think about it, so i have been blowing it off
I hope i don't get fired; but in the same instance I almost wish they would get rid of me
it's gotten to the point that walking in that office puts me in a bad mood
thinking of that company and how poorly they treat their employees iritates me
it was a cutting edge organization a few years ago, but they have lost their vision in a cloud of 200 year old print

and if you are reading this send me an email, it will be very cool of you, and I'll give you thanks right here!
- Monday, January 26, 1998 at 00:19:23 (EST)

Went out to an after hours club last night
Bn and myself wanted to dance but there was nothing but bad music
so we sat in a corner and looked at gurls
Looking at women is so often considered dirty, but they are so amazing, stunning

After the club we went back to his place and watched Golgo 13
He was pissed because the friend that let him borrow the VCR had taken the porno home with him
I was pissed because the VCR that I let him borrow ate my copy of Akira
Bn is a really attractive guy, but his own pain makes him unaproachable
he likes to remain distant, yet he seems to almost deserve a companion
I look at myself and think that a girlfriend really would not meld into my life very well
but he is not like that at all, I wish he could meet someone who would treat him well and really love him

Something else about last night:
A few years ago I was pretty active in the local "goth/industrial scene"
I was quite close to a girl named Sarah; yes, another Sarah (I swear it's a power name for me)
At the time I really wanted to be more than friends, prolly more hormones than anything else
Then she left for italy
She sent me post cards a few times but I never wrote back, I am really bad at snail mail
I had pretty much forgotten her
Just a few weeks ago I went into the taphouse (my favorite bar) and there she was
I was totally shocked, she looked incredible
So we talked for a while, well she talked and i just sat there dumbfounded and listened
She remembered ever detail of every moment we had spent together
I on the other hand have a horrible memory and just kept nodding my head and saying "oh yeah... that's right"
She gave me her email address, and then she left
i got home and tried to send her a few messages
I never heard back from them
last night i dug up the piece of paper she had written down the address on and realized I had been spelling it wrong
I felt really dumb; so i sent a test message asking if the persons name was Sarah please reply
After sending it i went to Bn's apt. to pick hime up so we could go clubbing
i rehashed the story for him just making small talk
he laughed his ass off
When i pressed him for the reason he told me that he talks to her every day on AOL
small freaking world

I got home at 7am or so and woke up around 5pm
When I got online Puce was there
She had just woken up as well
She told me about a dream she had and that I was in it
I was standing in a corner and would not talk
at the end of the dream she drowned in purple water

she is on my mind often... where will this lead?
- Sunday, January 25, 1998 at 18:03:26 (EST)

bn is so sad
- Saturday, January 24, 1998 at 21:31:07 (EST)

HAHAHAHA
I'm listening to Cringer greatest hits vol1 which I just bought a couple days ago.
On the first track there is the line: A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
- Saturday, January 24, 1998 at 19:26:18 (EST)

To give credit where it is due: The cgi script used for this page is a modified version of the guestbook by Matt Wright
- Saturday, January 24, 1998 at 18:42:38 (EST)

this thing was a pain in my arse to get working

Mucho thanks to Steve for pointing out that there is a difference between ASCII and binary
- Saturday, January 24, 1998 at 18:09:52 (EST)