- Wednesday, September 29, 1999 at 22:59:57 (EDT)
ewll its been awhile since I wrote here....but blah...here is another entry...life sux..I lost my job....I have little to no money..and that is a sucky sucky prospect...its these times when my life sux most that i get most lonley..but not stupid cuz I could have someone if I really wanted I just dont want just anyone..it has to be THE one...oh well...these are the things I live with..ohwell blah so I miss being online all the time...is it any wonder? I had lots of friends online blha oh well >br> goood bye for now
- Monday, November 02, 1998 at 19:57:33 (EST)
and blow through me, like breathing, teaching, needing you in
scared of scaring afraid of fearing
burned and battered torn and tattered...stolen and spoiled you happen again
younger than suffereing, tougher than rain...praying for rain
walk awhile talking telling holding alive
too much talking tells me nothing...not enough speakin teaches me everything and this is goodbye for now...
twitches burn too many wrong turns hurt..still its goodbye for now

- Monday, September 28, 1998 at 21:53:31 (EDT)
yet another leah quote

she throws kisses like flower petals she thinks but they may as well be falling leaves for all the death they carry
- Wednesday, September 23, 1998 at 20:10:39 (EDT)

that was written by Leah...she is such a great writer...there are other things of her's online too.
- Wednesday, September 23, 1998 at 19:42:05 (EDT)
there are longer and darker silences than this one. when we lie sidebyside and we cannot bear to touch each other and cannot dream of leaving one another's sides, when each breath feels as though it will tear us apart in it's hot fury, and yet we are still afraid to ask the questions that will release us. and so we dream each other's nightmares, and cry tears of blood from our aching wrists.
- Wednesday, September 23, 1998 at 19:40:09 (EDT)
I dont know what/you dont know what/we dont know what/is it about you/what is it that makes you/single serving setting/sitting at the table/wondering if Im capable/of being able
just to know what/just to know that/just to know that/somthing isnt nothing/wild and restless/riding the horizone/making my wish list/my morning isnt crying/I dont know what/you dont know know what/we dont know what/is it we want/we want so much

- Wednesday, September 23, 1998 at 19:25:15 (EDT)
both...some is from mine some is from your and some is from both...dig?
- Saturday, September 19, 1998 at 18:38:31 (EDT)
share with you
things I have yet to share without you
and dare you to
sit and stare pointing at you

and what you see
is what I forgot you gave to me
forced inside out
you taught me nothing I didnt already know

stop this heart from beating
stop these lungs from breating
stop these eyes from seeing
just stop me from being alone

alone and restless
you missed the best that
Ive been blessed with
blessed with being alone

I hate this place found my placement
in the place that
torn and twisted
you must have missed it all

look at a heart sick of beating
lungs tired of breathing
eyes ill of seeing
all that I already know
Im alone...

- Thursday, September 17, 1998 at 12:08:39 (EDT)

I recently started being drawn to a certain scene.
Alot of it was cuz I was attracted to pale girls and lots of fishnet
I now realize I have always been and will always be what this definition describes
a definition of what I am

- Thursday, September 10, 1998 at 17:23:05 (EDT)
.....Oh mah Gawd!
Saw Bauhaus on monday night
How amazing....Peter was so flamboyant he almost caught on fire (johnny storm whew hew!)
and Daniel looked like he wanted to be the singer....oh well....they started off with Double Dare and peter was just a black monitor on the stage
now that was great....some of it sucked though...cuz ater the first song...some dork took it upon himself to push everyone forward...he was next to me....and it looked like he was going to break the ppl he pushed backs...anyway at that Point Gina and I got a person or two between us....oh well....anyway....as the songs got more upbeat and punk like ppl started dare i say slam dancing...I started pushing back cuz it was annoying...but I was jsut watching the show....blah....then at one point I almost got pushed off my feet...ok enough is enough I thought
so I pushed the culprit really really hard.....he turned to me and said (at this point I shuold point out that he was wearing a leather jacket and was mildly head banging...as if he was at a metal show...Im sure if he was his hair would haev been fliying even more) "Chill out man..DANCE JUST FUCKING DANCE..!" nice enough kinda but I was not in the mood...so I said "FUCK THAT This isnt a Metallica show dickhead" he kinda avoided slamming into me...and so I got to enjoy more of the show
set break
They came back on and wear I was standing was suddenly the designated "lets kick each others ass" area...I mean it was nutty and started being a pit...Yuck...I dont "MOSH" myself
so I backed up...Bye Gina...we were seperated the rest of the show
the music was amazing but I was annoyed and my back hurt. Im not used to standing for 2 hours
So they played more songs...rocked out Ziggy Stardust and said good night a second time
more stomping and the dork next to me yelling "BELLA BELLA" ok great thier big top forty hit and he is jonesing for it....I mean they break up for 15 years you think that just seeing them would be enough..but no its got to be the MTV favorite
so two more songs and they played "We Love Our Audience" such a great song with Peter playing guitar and Kevin playin keys...David J beating the key board with his bass...sooo cool..I wanna be a rockstar
Then another good night...I thought "whats this no bella....yaaaay they rock for not playing it" the guy was going into D.T.'s about the fact that they wernt going to play it
so Im half expecting the house lights to come up then kevin and david come back out and start the "clik click clikc.....click click clikc click click" then the bass
the guy next to me came right there and I was some what ammused...Peter was fucking with the delay and that was neato
then the song and Peter was wearing this big Cape thing and spinning it around and stuff
how goth
So they finally ended...Gina and I found each other and were like WOW!!!
saw Gapaul outside and he couldnt thank me enough for selling him the ticket
now I would have loved for wade to see that show..but I loved being there with just Gina and I
the Tix were her birthday present. But then I realized that she had never not had a birthday with out someone else haveing one too (she is a twin) so I said Happy Birthday...and she said that it was her Birthnight to be ever so goth and to also be original...such a great evening
I really like her...
I wanna see Bauhaus again damnit

- Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 21:49:07 (EDT)
damnit I messed up

- Sunday, September 06, 1998 at 15:40:09 (EDT)
I moved in today...beres where....I am now one of them

- Sunday, September 06, 1998 at 15:39:24 (EDT)
Nah you can have the dish strainer I dont need it.
Unless you already have one...yeah this has been good.
I fixed my car today and I get it inspected tomorrow
I also cleaned it all out and stuff...looks rad I forgot how cool my car really is
Umm.....I dont know...it would suck for you to miss Bauhaus. You should go
but if you would like I will ask around tomorrow night
anyway take care man and like I said Ill be by tomorrow night to get the rest of my stuff
wish me luck on the interview tomorrow and stuff
take care.
see ya tomorrow p.s. this is at my mommies house....AOL SUX......!!!!!

- Wednesday, September 02, 1998 at 20:54:37 (EDT)
ok about yesterday...yes I came by and ate some cereal (and got mad about the glass thingy)and got some more of my stuff
I didnt get it all...no yer right...I used your computer cuz I needed to check my email...sorry...wont happen again... I will not be in your house when you are not home again. Ill be by thursday night to get my futon and trunk and whatever else is left.
Yes I understand about what you said. You are correct in some of your observations about me
Im not depressed about this...only got bummed for about an hour really. like Ive said I just didnt like the way it was handled
I am not the person you cut me out to be. I am not a good roomate maybe...but I am not all of the things you said I was.
Like you said...you need to be alone and yes I should have respected taht and should have done alot more to get mysefl straight.
I am the type of person that will wait till the absolute last minute to do shit but then I get it all done and done well.
So this is one of those situations. You have forced me to take care of shit thats been needing to be taken care of for a long time
SO thanks? I think...just should have been handled differently though.
about the Bauhaus show...I'll talk to Gina and see what she thinks. She doesnt undernstand and isnt too happy about the situation. Thats to be expected she cares for me and doesnt want to see me hurt. Please try and understand. I think it may be a better idea that we dont ride together but like I said we will see

Listen wade I love ya man and I just hope you are happpy now
We will hang again thats for sure. I just need to get my life togethe. (Heard that befor??) So I have little time for much else besides Gina an work for now. Plus I dont want to be all self concious of how you view me.
so take care and be happy. And Ill see ya soon. I dont really know what else to say right now.
btw have thier been any calls for me? like plan9 or jobbies or anything? thanx again for the place to crash for so long...I really do apperciate it.

your friend

- Wednesday, September 02, 1998 at 13:05:17 (EDT)

Yes this is written from your house as Im gettin my shit out. Meredith called so thats the message on the machine.
oh yeah the Pooh glass IS MINE...I bought it at 7-11. Your grandma gave you some other jelly. I bought it.
dont care if you believe me. Not like you really give a shit about sentimental stuff like that anyway.
take care and thanx alot -bn

- Tuesday, September 01, 1998 at 10:53:55 (EDT)
ok maybe not the last entry but I need a place to remember directions and stuff.
410 E.Water Street. King Building...Park next to the 418 entrance. Bring Your ID, as per proof of US citizenship, and a list of refernces. Jamie and I have Mostly closed the deal to get you in. You will meet with me first on Thursday...I'll intro you to Rose and Co. She will conduct final interview. Wanna show your stuff on a day that we are shorthanded? Come in at 10:am if you are up to it. I'm sure that life is chaos for you after the grand upheaval.

- Monday, August 31, 1998 at 17:18:09 (EDT)
I just dont understand you...oh well Im pretty sure this will be my last entry.
Im sick of this this is like a guy and a girl breaking up or somthing. Im sure I will look back at this and laugh. ARRGGHHH this is so fucking retarded Im out of there and thats, that. Ill be ok...you'll be ok, I suppose.
Happier anyway. Im sorry for being such a fuck up in your eyes. Take care and life will better eventually.
and Im sure we will be friends again. but I do think that this has been handled all wrong.
I wish you the best Wade..I sincerely do.
And please dont start seeing someone right away...it would rip my heart out
*snicker* kidding

- Monday, August 31, 1998 at 17:12:35 (EDT)
lol, whatever...I could give a fuck less how you view me
I dont care if you view me...your just warped...your deaf to me...HA!
but yet you message me to see where I am...whatever DAD!!!
Dont even give a shit if you believe that I have TWO interviews this week.
your such an asshole

- Monday, August 31, 1998 at 16:29:33 (EDT)
Im not trying to make you feel bad about wanting your life back I wasnt aware I was stealing it
but I am just mad at the way it was handled and how freaking abusive you are as a person
it makes me ill
its childish and silly
I guess I should thank you in a way cause I always work much better under pressure and do well when made forced to do somthing
I am sorry that I have irked you this bad but I am not the person you think I am.
I dont blame you and I would probably get just as pissed at someone on my living room floor but I am
    a) not a slob I am the only one that ever cleans around there anyway
    b) not self centered perhaps abit self involved and absorbed but I dont blatantly disregard others feelings. I do not feel that you view me accuratly but I just wish I was like you and could just not give a shit what you say about me. But I do damnit and it is hard to deal with I dont care what you say about me
Im not good at this no cuz Im not good at confrontations but you are no good at addressing this in person like a civil human instead you have to cut me up on some web page...and dont give me this shit of you have talked about it...no you pussy foot around and say mean shit just in hopes Ill get sick of it and move out. and you'll say Im wrong just like I said you were wrong and thats just it we will continue to view each other like this till you have had time to cool off and I have had time to cool off such is life...its one of those things. fuck it...I never hold grudges and I dont think that I am a bad person and I dont think you are a bad person this situation just got stale and stuff blah blah blah Im rambling on now...fuck it...fuck it...fuck it...fuck it...remember my intention was not to make you look bad yours was...Im not the type of person that when you say "geeze this is really somthing bad in my life happening right now" I dont turn around and say "oh yeah well I have it so much worse...this is why" fuck that childish shit
go ahead and think you have your shit all together and I dont...cuz I know thats what you think
like I said fuck it fuck it fuck it

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 20:54:00 (EDT)
No guilt trips...just fucking being for real the only reason you feel that this friendship is based on "provideing for me" HA! is cuz you have no idea how to treat ppl. and I am not the only one to notice this
you are abrasive and mean as shit...oh well fuck it...I already found another place. (I think) You ever think that maybe I like living with you and didnt do it just to take advantage of you? you spend too much time thinking the world is against you and that ppl are out to get you. I didnt take advantage of you. I know it, its just comforting to you to feel that way. To make yourself seem exaulted that you are so the nice one and the world is oh so harsh whatever. You have no idea what it is to be friends you have to high of expectations of ppl and when they dont meet it you are the victim, enjoy your lonley little life of self pity.
fuck it
just fuck it

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 17:38:24 (EDT)
Well ok if thats the way it is then I guess thats the way it is
Here's what will happen...I will be back up there either tonight or to pack up my shit
I would appreciate it if I could stay there monday night so I could go to that Interview but if you really dont want me there that bad then I will not.
I dont want to ride to Bauhaus with you
I dont want anything from you anymore
I guess since Im getting kicked out then I wont be paying you rent Cuz I dont have it to spare I have to find a place to live so Im going to need it
I will be up either tonight or tomorrow night to start collecting my stuff. would it be ok for me to leave a few things there for a few days till I can find a place for it like My futon? please let me know
I dont knwo why you have to be so shitty about this. I really dont care how you veiw me or think of thats life ppl are entitled to opinions and stuff.
You dont need to be so insulting
am I really that bad? no I think not
like I said its over now...I just need a few days to get my shit out dont worry I wont be there though guess thats life
see ya wade

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 15:42:40 (EDT)
guess not
- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 13:36:29 (EDT)
of course one can always hope for civility
- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 13:30:42 (EDT)
Im sure I will see some shitty responce to these entries today
- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 13:29:05 (EDT)
Im self absorbed, and self oriented, and I am self centered, but not in the way that I am being disgribed.
its my feeling that in life one has to be all about oneself. you cannot describe your self as not self oriented
granted giving me a place to live was a self less act. But I just question why you did it
I dont really want to know the answer. But maybe if it was a two bedroom it would be easier
who knows
who cares
I care

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 12:25:59 (EDT)
- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 12:21:34 (EDT)
Self Assured is looking out for oneself, self centered is looking out for oneself with balatant disregard for others around you...am I really guilty of that...I have really been that awful to live with...or is just that Ive had a free ride up till now and that is what is making what I have done seem like a disregard for others? I question it myself as well...I didnt think so...maybe I AM selfcentered
god just give me the ledge and push me or maybe i dont even need to be pusehd

- Saturday, August 29, 1998 at 18:03:23 (EDT)
a conversation:

Well, I don't know you, so I'm certainly not the best person to ask about this. But I'll try.... I'd say that you're not exactly -selfless-. You do look out for your own interests more than most people I know. This isn't bad, but it might drive away those close to you who don't feel that your relationship isn't equal. It comes down to this..... All relationships involve sacrifice. Friendships, lovers, even families. You give what you feel is appropriate for what you take from the relationship. Sometimes people can't find a common ground. One person might feel they are being fair, but the other may feel differently. This is all relative. It's why relationships that aren't equal -CAN- work, because the two people involved see eye to eye on what their respective roles.....dictate it terms of sacrifice and reward. On the grand spectrum ranging from Mother-Theresa-selflessness to complete-life-sucking-leech, I'd have to say you fall on the leech side. But not too far on the leech side to prevent you from doing what right and keeping you from caring about people. But your vision of the give:take dynamic may be very different than Wade's. This is not to say that Wade is terribly selfless himself.......and perhaps that's where the problem lies? Not enough friendship for -BOTH- you guys' self-focused needs? BTW, you do need to get out of there. It's the best thing for both of you.
- Saturday, August 29, 1998 at 17:57:42 (EDT)

oh, and I refuse to talk about this online. if you have somthing to say then address it to me in person.
- Saturday, August 29, 1998 at 14:51:53 (EDT)
ok your mean to me cuz I havent found a place to go yet. sure thats it...Im not doing this silly fucking bantering anymore. I guess you had to make me feel small one last time cuz Im paying rent soon is that it? funny how you loaned my your last bit of cash but I said you didnt have to. I said if you didnt have it of whatever to not do it. It would have been fine. And though you have often given me stuff just to give it to me, whenever I have asked you to loan me money have you ever not gotten it back? You didnt have to loan freaking 8 10 12 bux whatever it was. and whenever you needed cash and I had it did I not loan it to you. your just the type of person that feels safety in feeling victimized. Fuck it man. Im not self centered I just give a shit about who I am and happen to like me!!
I just dont think Im shit and maybe thats why you see me as self centered. Your a nice guy Wade when you want to be. But most of the time your just an asshole. and you obviously pride yourself on it and thats so sad. I will be out of your hair as soon as I possibly can

its funny how you can be such a dick to me in text but then when I take you out to dinner you just as nice as usual. Granted the night befor you took me out did I ask you? no! you offered. I dont want anything from you anymore but a roof till I find a place which will be as soon as possible. I dont care if you believe me or not. How sweet you are...its funny how easily I get blamed for the shittyness in your life. Every stain you see in the house minus the carpet will be easily removed. and I will get my moms shapooer this week and try and get this shit out. So thus they are not stains. fuck it man just fuck it. you seem to think I dont care and leave all this mess i guess you just fail to notice your own mess and cuz you have some problem with me being happy or somthng you just choose to see all of my mess but whatever dood act your age and fucking address things in person that bug you and stop belittling me on some web page
- Saturday, August 29, 1998 at 14:39:43 (EDT)

this neato girl I met from c-ville online said my words inspired this:
such games of subtle desolation, they tear at us, blind us and bind us in wings of fury or dreams of agony

- Monday, August 24, 1998 at 03:35:13 (EDT)

I want to call...you should be able to call your friends right?
oh well I wont...cuz Im silly I guess
was going to go to sleep...then I thought there was an alternative
but in the end nope...so I go for a walk in hopes...hopes of what
Im so tired of the sillyness
so tired of being awake
so tired of trying to find love and finding It I think then its not there when I need it
but maybe Im just being morbid or somthing...or maybe its still too soon
I want to cry but I just cant make the tears come
not even the most depressing music will make the tears come
sad that I can even express my sadness
stupid pills
next week..tons of bills
oh well..I asked for it
have to pay for somthings sometimes I guess
I just want so badly...I want to be able to fix it but I cant find the freaking energy
I dont really care enough I dont think
so Ill sit and drink stale whine, feel sorry for myself
and wish I would have gone to sleep hours ago
oh god...how stupid am I

- Saturday, August 22, 1998 at 00:18:26 (EDT)
like handwritten love letters
carved in skin
carved in stone
starving skin and stones
placed at the end
placed at the throne
like I should have known...better

talk away hours talk about nothing
stalk and save flowers care about nothing
staring careful breathing wearing nothing
starving sinnful begining hiding nothing

it is this
this is it
is it this
is this it
circular questions give me will to be
perfect suggestions will me to give

- Friday, August 21, 1998 at 23:00:14 (EDT)

just re-read this "I am just afraid that when I am at the place we go and she is with me and whomever he is, is there that things will be no different" it should be "things will be different" not "things will be no different"
ok Im obsessing about comeing across right now...so silly little girl like I am

- Monday, August 17, 1998 at 05:28:48 (EDT)
well gina will be reading this soon...I think Im a bit nervous about this...maybe
I want her to know just how I have felt...but...Im just being silly it will be fine
what a nice time I had seeing her at work
and her "goth mobile" how cute
I can only imagine what her car would look like if she had one
soo sweet...I just hope she is aware how crazy I am about her
oh well..time to eat pasta and sleep
I get to be woken up by one of my favorite ppl tomorrow
its like christmas and going to sleep only to make tomorrow come sooner

- Monday, August 17, 1998 at 05:24:14 (EDT)
Busy sign shop needs detail-oriented person. "Hands-on" work. Pagemaker, Mac knowledge a plus. 648-0116.
- Sunday, August 16, 1998 at 13:15:38 (EDT)
the words fly out like birds cry out
Im left standing staring sighing
wished inspiration takes time
silenced seperation takes time
as scared as sacred your safest placement
I wish it was mine
to take your time
to make you mine
place your heart in mine
all this if you dont mind

I care so carefully and tear so easily
wish kisses cleaned caotic coincidences
will these tears, tear holes in the day
filling my heart with the spilling dark
I pray to some god some place that you would say
take my time
to make you mine
place your dreams with mine
and all this, this time

a moment is a monument
carved in stone white quietly crying
swooning so soon she should have been saying
I dont mind
if you take my time
your heart for mine
this time I dont mind

- Friday, August 14, 1998 at 23:27:31 (EDT)

ok soon all this will be read
I guess it doesnt seem like all I thought it might
but last night the words were said aloud
better is what I feel
at least my intentions are known
perhaps one day the level of my sincereity will be known as well
in a heart of hearts and truest of truth I hope it will be known
I cant lie and say it didnt bite at me when I found out that I may not be the only one
but thats ok cause fate will play what it has to play
I forget to remind my heart of that
its hard to do
good god how giddy am I...last night/yesterday/the last few weeks have been soo amazing
oh well...I am just afraid that when I am at the place we go and she is with me and whomever he is, is there that things will be no different
I will get scratched no less, looked at no different, danced with no less
I hate to seem so possesive...Im not a real possesive person at heart its just that I cant help it
when I know its mine I wont be...but Im get scared by all I might not be
oh well if it doesnt work then Ill just drift into a deep depression and write some sad songs
on that happy note...I miss her

- Friday, August 14, 1998 at 21:13:55 (EDT)
well here we go again with the journal bantering...this has gone too far.
ok I woke up I get a shitty email...I know what it said Im not denying that Im a jerk for how Ive handled the sitution
I just wrote what I wrote cause it was on my mind. Any other issues in the email are issues I will deal with
god its funny how ppl just love to tell you how you being
oh well Im just as guilty
wade im sorry for accusing you of saying shit about me that you probably didnt convey the way it was conveyed to me
I tend to fly off the handle befor thinking clearly about the situation
lydia though you wont read this
Im sorry for dicking you over and not being up front about stuff
I never said I was good at dealing with humans still figuring it out
so there ppl Im a dick I fly off the handle I am impulsive and I tend to get bent out of shape easily but one thing I do not do and I dont care one rats ass if you think I do I dont think the world is out to get me so much that I miss the fact that someone is reaching to me...its just that it could have been done better
so fuck it will all be explained and accounted for soon

- Saturday, August 08, 1998 at 18:09:17 (EDT)
well god, wake up feel like shit, get email, get a stabbing pain in my back
I guess I shouldnt be suprised. And really I dont care whether I have direction in other ppls eyes
cause as far as Im concerned this person that has stated that I lack direction defenitly doesnt have much figured out and more than that its me they theydefenitly dont have figured out whats even more ammusing is that they will chuckle and think in thier head that they know me. whatever
funny how you will say stuff just cause you want somthing and no Im not speakin of me wanting somthing
I am trying desperatly to get out of the situation Im in. But I so unluckily fell in love
I mean did I tell girl (a) of the feelings this person had...what he/she/it really wanted
nope did not
not that Im a saint. I guess Im lieing when I say that I dont care...I just shouldnt
I just think that some ppl should spend a little less time judging others and how they live thier lives. and really figure out how to try and get in someones pants without hurting thier friends...oh well who cares right
Im just a moooch

- Saturday, August 08, 1998 at 12:34:40 (EDT)
messed up the saddest happy ending
dressed myself all set up for the fall
happily ever after aint so happy after all
tainted things seem well worth the wait
Its cliche the words only go to show
just the way Im waiting for them to show

sometimes people can be so cruel
ready the needle make sure its shiney and new
pierce the skin ready to bleed for you
just wait awhile, you'll know Im true

snap shot gets only half the picture
pouting face takes my breath away
away from this and all thats crazy
pretending kids get older much too fast
kinda sad the things often go unsaid
miscommunication steals words away
just simple words often dont convey
how much sorrier than sorry Im sorry to say
still cliche tears often ring so true
sorry to say Im sorry, sorry for you

- Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 01:53:20 (EDT)

bn pisces: your right I know, but listen man...this is me truly speaking here....the reason I am so scared is cause I have so much of my feeling so much of my heart involved and it scares the shit out of me...just remember how fucked up I was after helen...I really like gina alot (as if you didnt know that) Im not so sure she is as crazy about me as I am her....but that remains to be seen...I just really dont want to fuck this up....I know I need to not think about it so much man..I know that....Im jsut a obsessive sappy girl that is so scared of getting himself/herself hurt real bad...I dont want to ache like I did...granted I dont have 3 years tied up in this...but she is what I want....not just that she has the qualifications SHE is what I want...her...who she is....ok thats my heart on a stick for you...Ill stop freaking about it now
- Wednesday, August 05, 1998 at 14:39:49 (EDT)
first I thought I was going to have to work till 8
then it was 5
now tis 5 am
granted Im pulling a 17 hour shift
it rox cause Im just that much closer to seeing....her

- Monday, August 03, 1998 at 01:18:56 (EDT)
God the day drags
through the dust and haunting lust
how the hunger nags
complaining that your so amazing
wish I could move proving my truth
purest puuring stiring in your sleep
brightest red if these words were read
from hearts the things gone unsaid
perfect perfection perfects shining aloud
the control from which Im spinning out
contently counting constant seconds
waiting wanting writing writhing

- Sunday, August 02, 1998 at 13:30:03 (EDT)
just to clarify Im not really married now...it was just a fun flirt
- Friday, July 31, 1998 at 17:15:05 (EDT)
Im kinda married now
its only kinda for now though
I just figured out that what I am looking for has entered my life
all the things I have wanted in a girlfriend (as in what im looking for in a girl) are now right in front of me
maybe Im just obsessing....yeah thats probably it...but oh well obsession is fun
Just want it to be known that my intentions are completely genuin and I dont want to hurt anyone
Ok I know me being smitten has sicked quite a few of you (you know who you are) all I can say is oh well...Im sorry?
life goes on and it will be good

- Friday, July 31, 1998 at 16:33:36 (EDT)
kissing inocence away, say good bye
this is somthing in the way, say you'll try
climbing, clinging, singing a new beginging
slightly startled parting parcial ending
and I cant kiss you enough

- Wednesday, July 29, 1998 at 20:44:56 (EDT)

I love this

- Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 21:56:59 (EDT)
ok friday was damn near the best day of my life
had thiss soooooper cool girl hang with me all day, played on the radio, got a creatures CD
, played to 30-40 attentive ppl. And got lots of applause and praise. It was amazing
started writing a new song saturday

too much stuff in the way out of line
background picture paints the same
sanity sanitized, vanity materialized
and it went too far
go much too far
regarding it all lost its way
perfect picture paints the insane
the same raining diety
but has it gone too far
gone much too far
withered man, withered glass
poors time passed plastic spies
swollen eyes from hidden tears
taking too much little by little
gulp by gulp
its a pulp fiction kind of day
thinking its all gone too far

- Monday, July 27, 1998 at 23:17:25 (EDT)


    Gasloline Spark
    Freedom Ring
    For A Princess
    Pretty Mistakes
    Blistered Shoes
    The Other Love Song
    Call The Shots
    Chinese Dreams
    Happily Ever After

- Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 15:52:10 (EDT)
LOOK I have a Web CAM like everyone else
- Sunday, July 19, 1998 at 14:58:18 (EDT)
world in my eyes
as sung by Robert Smith of the Cure

- Sunday, July 19, 1998 at 13:20:56 (EDT)
just try me, I might be easy as pie
I might not mean to be mean to you
I just met you, set you on a pedestal
till its torn off the frail unknown
its hard to listen to whispers to soft
hard to hear with you so near the edge
if you need to jump Ill push you
and if you get pushed Ill catch you

a witherd friendly grin
softer eyes that cut the skin
and lonely and only sweeter alone
bitter and bigger and withered
he's left himself alone

show and tell, scream a story
of shut out and locked in
left out and forgotten
severed headless hopless morning
bathed in glory and all was forgiven

forgiven forget-me-not
enough to try me on for size
enough to try this sincere suprise
Ill give you all I have
its everything Im not
this is sorry for everything Im not

- Friday, July 17, 1998 at 21:54:13 (EDT)

wish I cool hair like this

- Sunday, July 12, 1998 at 23:23:39 (EDT)
I gots a good chance at either of these
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- Sunday, July 12, 1998 at 21:52:57 (EDT)

no doubtage
power outage
black as a cat
crossed my path
bad luck leads
borrowing someones needs
and it boring to not sleep

- Sunday, July 12, 1998 at 19:56:11 (EDT)
The Genetorturers (sp) are amazing amazing...now I have to figure out how to say goodbye with out hurting anyone
ahhhh but such psychotic bliss is to be had simply watching others play with others
I wish I had someone to play with, I do sort of, but unfortunatly we arent to be I think
too many issues, a magazine store full of 'em really (wade's quote)both mine and hers
oh well I will just play the situation like all others and just wait for the solution to present itself

- Saturday, July 11, 1998 at 15:13:36 (EDT)
just think of all the journal junkies and cyber drama junkies are probably missing this
I hope this is going in the internet archive
or at least gets its own online zine issue one day
not unhappy face

- Friday, July 10, 1998 at 15:20:10 (EDT)
So many questions.....
well I re-read what I wrote the other day
i just get angry when it seems like "HE" doesnt care about my emotions
the reason I specify this now is cause I do realize that he did/does care about what happens to me
I sit and ponder maybe I wasnt the best friend
maybe I shouldnt have liked the girl
I really couldnt help it, or could I
I think I have fucked up
still I need to get out regardless of if "WE" are on good terms or bad
Did I do somthing bad
I think maybe but I dont know
"HE" said this about sums it up but I read it and some of it just doesnt apply
I mean some does thats for sure, but it appplies to both of us
I wonder if thats what "HE" meant
I mean you no harm man, if you want rent money for the last little while that Im hear
I can do that
I dont know....I tried so hard to remain upset and not happy about the way I was treated
but there I go again focusing on me
maybe I was the one who was mistreating you/him
its sort of a problem sometimes I think
after all its what ended my 3 year relationship
being selfish and self absorbed
but this time it was unintentional I swear,......I thought it was ok
you ever just sit and think maybe I shouldnt have done that, I wish I could back and change it
I dont talk about how horrible he is, cept maybe latley when we've been throwing insults at each other, and even then Im hurt by what he has said about me
I dont share his confidences with others to exault me
I tell everyone that he is a great guy and I really wish love would come out and bite a huge chunk out of his ass
even ppl that say stuff about him I still give him the benefit of the doubt and stick up for him when I can
I guess cause deep down I know he is an extremely compassionate person
I mean Ive had a place for free for the last few months
if thats not compassion I dont knwo what is

well I will try and steer clear of this place as much as possible
till I can find a place to live
I really dont want to be on bad terms I bought him a present today.....why.....not to kiss his ass
just as a peace offering
I think that this situation is just another example of how you spend too much time with one person you begin to see things wrong about them and start to tolerate less of them than you would have if you were just hanging out
so for what its worth...this is me apologizing...this is me saying Im sorry for calling you a jerk and an asshole and for hurting you and for putting myself in front of you when you have done just that so many times....some times Im just blind
and hurt and confused
Im sincerely glad you had a good time last night, and though I said that I would make it a point of not missing you
I will (p.s. this is a journal/apology/whatever/spewing forth of feelings/I just dont want any bad blood/I dont want us to go on mad at each other/Im sorry note to myself and "HIM" and a atempt at saying I am not perfect and Im sorry)

- Friday, July 10, 1998 at 15:15:11 (EDT)

ok that was harsh
but still man it just hurts when you so obviously dont give a fuck
and I do
I guess Im the dork for caring
but it just doesnt even pay to care about you
you dont care about me
are you so convinced that if I wasnt in the picture you would have her
so thats just it
I hurt cause you deep down dont give a fuck
and that makes me sincerely sad
but I dont even know why Im writing this
its not like you'll feel bad or anything
oh well Im tired of it
Im getting out asap and you can have the whole house to sit in a any corner you have and miss all the ppl you want
Im not saying you need me
but you fail recognize any possibilites that you might
I guess cause I need you
sux you feelthis way about me
but I guess its my fault for not wanting ppl to dislike me
it sux that it all came out like this
but I guess thats just how you want it to be
you learn alot about ppl when you take trips with them
and whether you recognize it or not

I will be someone
in my world

- Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 15:36:54 (EDT)
your an asshole
dont miss me jerk, whatever
I could give a fuck now
at one point I did
now I realize your are nothing but a bad vibe
thanx for the place to crash
Ill be gone soon and you wont miss me
and I will make it a point of not missing you

- Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 15:19:29 (EDT)
this fits, badly but it fits
not as well as smiths fit
but fits like this

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 15:35:57 (EDT)
p.s. how was I supposed to know if it would be cool if you came or not?
no you wont get the "expected answer" cause no I didnt know if it was cool if you came
I felt as wierd about it as you
I didnt want to leave you hanging but I did
not entirely my fault
regardless I AM sorry

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 06:06:33 (EDT)
its amazing the walls ppl build for themselves.
I wasn't expecting to be drug out of the house only to go do nothing with a few nobodies
I sincerely felt bad, but at the same time wasnt alone the point of ripping my heart out after a weekend of heartfelt drug use and even more heartfelt words and feelings
ahh but the girl, isnt she the reason behind all this
a specific girl but no more specific than any other girl, who's main attraction is her unatainability
feeling for the mas as I do, gets me no where
I dont understand him
but I have my understanding of him
him according to how I have lived and learned and loved and lost
I dream, thats what I do best. I imagine and and create
I know who I am, I just never said that I had this whole interacting with other humans life shit together.
I sincerely hope that one day you will see that I didnt take things I didnt think were for the offering
and once I learned that they were not offered I stopped taking them
I didnt take/spend/ask for money that I wasnt perpared to return as soon as possible
You offered
you helped me get at least a little stability
and I am grateful
and what did it cost me? nothing
not one thing except the caring for another that cared when it is/was convieniant
didnt cost me anything except for the deep sympathy for one so down on oneself
and yes wether you admit it to yourself you did ask for sympathy
its funny how many words are left unsaid
but screamed out loud when read
It is your life, do with it what you want. Live it lieing to yourself or being as honest as you can
You want to help me help myself? and you have I simply want the same. But you wont let me. My words fall on deaf ears
because I dont understand? I may not comprehend your motives or your emotions but I can certainly understand.
in the truest sence of the word
I relate
its a relationship
and it is my life and I live it for me and not one other person.
There are all these expectations of me
all I can say is expect me to be caring, compassionate, nuturing, selfish, moody, cocky, humble, depressed, shy, bashful, annoying, poor, rich, giving, sharing, needy, creative, sensetive and possibly as human as I can be
yes I have who I as figured out as much as any 24 musician, semi attractive, pisces, male can.
I mean no disrespect here
I mean to come to no conclusions here
all I ask is all you ask
is that you sit and think about the words here and how they can influence your life
it is you life and only yours
if you choose to fuck up
it is your fuck up
if you choose to hurt and alienate ppl
then that is your right as much as it is mine to have the opinion:
it is my life and it is my hope that I hurt as few ppl as I can

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 05:57:49 (EDT)
I didn say I had it all figured out.
But I think I understand whats going on alot more than I get credit for
Im always hearing how I need to be or how I live my life wrong
but the second I try and give some advice it falls on deaf ears
oh well thats just the way you are
you seem to be content in the theory that you will never find love
so I let you live like that
but that is exactly the type of thinking that keeps your from finding a girl
You need to realize that you are not a loser cause you cant find a girl
you are only a loser cause you believe you are
I dont think of you this way
I certainly dont think you are a asshole for feeling the way you do
Im just trying to help man thats all
but I guess maybe I should stop

- Sunday, July 05, 1998 at 19:42:37 (EDT)
I am thinking that the last entry was kinda harsh
but oh well, I will move out still, and if you wanna gimmie some more time thats cool but if not I understand
I just dont want to not be friends that all

- Saturday, July 04, 1998 at 19:57:04 (EDT)
All I can say is why, not that I mind really.
My theory is that either:
a) you saw that I would be really happy with someone and couldnt handle someone being happy around you
b) you just didnt want to be around two ppl falling for each other
c) you decided that she was someone you wanted and knew you couldnt have and so didnt want to be around
d) you just cant admit to yourself that you are insanely jealous
e) you are afraid that I will hurt another girl and you dont want to witness that.

I have tried to be considerate to your inability to attract women. I have tried to be a true friend. I guess I didnt do it to your expectations. So you just go ahead and be alone. I wish you the best really I do. I hope you get all you want. Whatever that is. I tried to understand you but you didnt want to be understood.
I think I did all I was supposed to. Oh well, another friend dies to me. I'll still be in Richmond
I'll still be hanging out at twisters on thursdays. I'll still be seeing lydia. Because you throw me out doesnt mean my life will suddently suck
It doesnt mean that suddenly I'll see that you were trying to teach me a lesson
I dont need your lessons
It doesnt mean that I will suddenly become unhappy and lonely
I will miss you, sincerely
You find fault in me, I find fault in you
We are human and that is life
It sux though
I am saddened by it
not cause Im suddenly homeless again
I did fine before and Ill do fine again
I am sad cause you didnt talk to me about this
You were unable to express your feelings about this or werent able to admit your feelings to yourself
but not only am I hurt by this, so is Lydia. She wonders what role she has to play in all this
she isnt dumb you know and she isnt blind either
I know you'll start to really "hate july" cause thats what you want to feel right now
Im just confused cause I didnt see this coming
perhaps you will ignore the sincereity behind this, perhaps your too wrapped up in "woe is me" to see how you affect others
or maybe Im just blind to what I have done to make this happen
Im sorry Im cute
Im sorry I write good songs
Im sorry I know how to treat ppl
Im sorry you dont like me anymore
Im sorry your life isnt all you want it to be
I am sincerely sorry.
I love you man

- Saturday, July 04, 1998 at 16:58:50 (EDT)

You can have everything
its all only for you
the world the stars the sky
its all just for you
you could be anything
if only you knew
the world the stars the sky
its all only for you

I sit and stare
a simple vacant stair way
like so many times before
I sit and wait
and stare at the floor
and whatch the colors change
from dark to light
the end of time
and still you make me wait

what is it that is desired of me
what is it that you want
what is it that is required of me
what it is I cant believe
believe you would ask this of me

the words run together
the sounds seeem to blur
the day seems to be ending
the world seems to turn

your words seem so dreamy
as Im slowly starting to dream
your voice seems so easy
as I slowly start to sleep

and I wish I had to give all the things that make you scream
Ive been there not exactly
but Ive gone there at least in dreams

its not ending so happy after all

- Tuesday, June 23, 1998 at 15:57:44 (EDT)
met a really cool really beuatiful gothic girl
and had much fun with her at this club
she dissappeared and stuff so I called my good good friend and he came and picked me up
we went to 3rd street diner, had much fun talking and what not
I was absorbed in my little wirled and what had just happend
I feel bad when I do that...its never meant to be all about me
its just that I get sooo excited about things
so anyway
after all that I figured that we (goth girl and I)wouldnt talk again till next week
I had this hope that she would have called while I was at 3rd st. but wrote it off as unlikly
but low and behold she did the coolest thing and called
so I called her we talked for a little while
made psuedo plans to get together tomorrow
so it was a good night and I thought I should take note of it
that is all

- Friday, June 19, 1998 at 03:46:56 (EDT)
but I am wondering

Suns come out, but its still raining outside
but I, wonder why...Im still alive
Pass a rose, ask if knows your name
but I, get no reply...Im not surprised
Sit and think, that your words seem some much
older than so younge your face...
so pretty the place...that I make mistakes
Sit and wonder, if I should follow the rules
but I, wonder why...why even try
Sit and question, should I get what I want
but I know its not all up to me...but Im growing up at least
Still I smile at the clown that paints his smile
as dark as night...as dark as I might not be ready
Now see its all gone too far
No its me its, Its not your fault
You just seem so much more than you are

- Tuesday, June 16, 1998 at 14:20:10 (EDT)
Well now that this is settled,.....or at least I think it is.
I was a fucker, though I didnt realize it
Late night conversation is good
too bad it was cut short because of the waking world
I dont want to walk on eggshells but I think that is whats going to happen in the end
oh well such is life
at least i have a place to crash no matter what happpens
I think I will try to write the long awaited third street song today

- Thursday, June 11, 1998 at 13:58:45 (EDT)

wouldnt make a difference if I tried to come up with some sort of witty come back poem
wouldnt make a difference if I explained all your faults in frilly metaphors
cause your too narrow minded, pig headed and are too much of a spoiled kid stomping up and down cause you dont get your way
I gave a shit once you're just too wrapped up in "woe is me" to notice
fuck it..............just give me a place to stay for now,
Ill be out of your life soon enough
if today's entry wasnt aimed at me then ignore this entry

- Tuesday, June 09, 1998 at 19:57:48 (EDT)
Wierdness abounds
after an evening deep meaningful introspection into the world of alternate ethnic diversity

its always refreshing when people tell you "you've got it , the look, the smile, the eyes, the laugh you can be what you want"
like a cool drink of water my dreams are coming alive
so maybe I do have it who knows

- Saturday, June 06, 1998 at 17:07:06 (EDT)


- Friday, May 29, 1998 at 18:43:26 (EDT)
sit and warm yourself
the fire of self pity burns brightest of all
the walkway is narrow and gothic
opionated and drowning
you cant pull me down there
Ive been there
I live there
living a conversation underlined by "feel bad for me
I have it soo much worse"
it is the ending thats like this
and it always ends just like this

but I wont forget you
not even when Im gone
not even when I dont leave at all

- Friday, May 29, 1998 at 18:24:59 (EDT)

it is always only today
tomorrow exists only to keep us going
and yesterday is to teach us how to get there

- Wednesday, May 27, 1998 at 23:28:45 (EDT)
Oh god A New band to obsess abouts
- Tuesday, May 26, 1998 at 18:29:14 (EDT)
I think too loud
I feel the flake today
I let myself carlessly make myself carefully place my hands in the way
my words get in the way of how I feel
I let you think Im a mess
I let you dress me
cause it feels nice to not be alone
to make sence is futile
sence cannot be made
it must be sence
it must be seen coming miles away
you wanna hear my voice
I want to make you scream
I could make anything scream
given enough time
but theres never enough time

- Sunday, May 24, 1998 at 19:45:56 (EDT)
Life is soo giddy silly slippiing through my hands
passing me by befor I ever let it pass me by
Im freezing, its colder than winter oceans
I move through fog and seas of voices
seas of time spent dreaming
all those if only dreams
every if only that could ever be
if only that was the way it really was for me

life gets smaller days get longer and I still dont know when Ill be stronger
kill the television
kill to relavence
kill the intuition
kindly killing your relatives

seas of time spent dreaming
all those if only dreams
every if only that could ever be
if only that was the way it really was for me
every if only dream of me

- Wednesday, May 20, 1998 at 00:57:40 (EDT)

- Saturday, May 16, 1998 at 00:49:57 (EDT)

for a mother

to be

- Saturday, May 09, 1998 at 00:26:44 (EDT)

for a princess

a dream of faries kisses
a kiss for the princess
and nobody ever listens
listens like this is it

I would give it all to you
only cause you listen
only cause you laugh
only for your wishes
only cause this could last

give anything for a forever with you
I'd give you anything for a forever with you
listen too seriously
this might make you laugh
or make you smile
or make you remember that Im always here....
for a princess

- Saturday, May 09, 1998 at 00:11:29 (EDT)
sometimes somthing comes along
sweeps you off your feet
just when you liked standing alone
you just seem so sticky sweet
caring, dareing the happy little girl
you turn me down
like you turn me around
and I like it, like it, like it, like a drug

raise my arms and smile at myself
keep my smile to myself but give it to you
if you want it want it want it like a drug
let me want to see you
let me want to scream
let me want to believe in you
let want to say the same things
over and over and over

your like wings on my back
or like the day gone black
hours pass like broken glass
its all unspoken
all shaped so twisted
it goes unsaid
wondering if this is it

- Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 22:56:12 (EDT)
things were said
said to you
said for you
and things were read
read to me
bleed for me
sing to me
and feeelings were there
and it makes me laugh
it makes me smile
it makes me walk miles and miles
still moving further away
the further away
the longer today
seems to take

- Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 20:09:39 (EDT)
but la la la
I sing praises
you simply amaze me
I think Im crazy
but you still amaze me

still you leave
bye bye
Never seen you
but soon enough
soon you'll be there
you'll be there soon

- Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 20:01:44 (EDT)
hey look I typed somthing
Interview's rock
new job preospects rock
girls rock
especially a certain girl by the name Lisa
(not mac tehc lisa either)
she is fun to talk to
Just wish she would send me some damn pictures
oh well
she is too fun
wish I could see her :(

- Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 19:57:40 (EDT)
bent up smile
and of course it was silly
silly to be mad
conforting in sadness
happy has to get sad somtimes
everything has to get said sometimes

afraid of things, writing the subtitles
this is what I miss
like doing herion and reading the bible
and to never want to never want
to never want to miss this

nothing like hiding your heart
losing you place
leaving your yourself staring into space

I trace your smile
staring into space
as I lose my place in this world
and it makes me happy

- Monday, May 04, 1998 at 22:53:22 (EDT)
cant sleep....oh and to sleep
forever and ever isnt close enough
but to sleep...oh and to sleept
such is this psychotic bliss
naturally fate wouldnt present itself
not like this

bands of color and the national anthem screams at me for hours
it would seem somthing special wouldnt it

but as mutable as life can get
as laughable as I forget
moodswings and everythings seems so brilliant

to seem so oblivious
to seem so obvious
to simply rely on chaos
so simple to imply and still forget Im alive

written on saturday by myself in the 3rd street diner

- Monday, May 04, 1998 at 22:44:30 (EDT)
well..........what to say?
I love my mom
she worries about me too much. Worries about my soul, worries whether I will be with her in heavan
I took her to the Franklin Graham revival in charlottesville yestarday
it was moving
not that I accept Jesus as my lord and savior
it was just moving. I cry whenever I see my mom cry
I hope she is ok

She called today. (not my mom) Says we should never talk again
I'm so saddened by that idea
to never hear her voice
to never know how she is doing
its my fault, I shouldnt have said what I said

but thats life
more later I hope p.s. sorry I didnt come back last night and left you with depression

- Monday, May 04, 1998 at 17:39:48 (EDT)

w a l k i n g
r a i n i n g   ,  p o o r i n g   m e   o u t s i n g i n g   t o   n o   o n e   s p e c i al
l o n e l i e r   t h e   s p a c e   b e t w e e n
a l o n e   l i a r   m u s t   m o v e   t o   c a r e f u l
- l   o   v   e -

- Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 00:11:04 (EDT)
words come so slowly......movement is so darkend
all I want.........all I want is to know what I want
to be endless, shapeless, carlessly speechless
Your place beside me has been replaced by your absence
I dress myself so misunderstood
paint me the color of carefully considered carelessness

hearing names...so many names Ive heard before
liked loved admired desired like so many times before
seeing faces Ive never seen so many times before
I pick out the line you pick the knot
I shuffle about
my arms raised
I notice you not noticeing me
silently sing praise
its the way it always is
the ways it will never let me
never let me believe

move me sing me a song
whisper words, read me your thoughts
am I lost again
is there anyone looking for me
Ive lost myself again
Im tired of looking

- Friday, May 01, 1998 at 23:18:25 (EDT)

What fun was had last night
Switchblade Symphony really impressed me
Even saw some ppl I hadnt seen in years
Granted I didnt talk to them either but thats just they way ppl are somtimes
oh well
cute gothic girlies are everywhere

Even got in a fight today
A cyber fight
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
It was based on whether all gothic ppl on the left side are the country are true goths
or all gothic ppl on the right coast are posers namely Virginia
dont get me wrong most ppl give me a reason to laugh at them within the first five minutes
but dont go around pre-judging when you haev no true evidence to back up your claim
if you havent been here you cant make a judgment like that
that is all

- Friday, May 01, 1998 at 17:09:16 (EDT)

what am I thinking of
medication..............self medication
it's highly underated I think......
I mean I know what makes me work better
I know it when I feel it
I most of the time like it
and the times when I dont............I just learn from it and move on

and on and on....
boredom can kill
I promise you that friends
you can die from too much of nothing to do
Ive seen it
I swear its true
but even sobriety can be a drug if you dont have it for a while
you stay so oblivious to sobriety that when you encounter it
its a whole new expierience................

lets sum up:

    Self Medication is good but only if one knows themselves
    Boredome can KILL!! beware of boredome
    Sobriety can be a Drug

- Tuesday, April 28, 1998 at 20:09:52 (EDT)
Even nicer when you look under them
who knows what treasures you will find
KEYS TO DOORS AND Other PrIzEs as Well
hail tankgirl

- Tuesday, April 28, 1998 at 14:39:36 (EDT)
And I say................
this isnt the way I had invisioned it this just isnt the way it was planned
but go with it I do, cause thats just the way this life seems to be
I tend to mope about, not all the time
but often enough to get tired
tired of this
tired of her
whoever she may be
just tired

- Monday, April 27, 1998 at 20:14:09 (EDT)
a still summoner
I weeping willow tree
hanging in a summer breeze
an evening of moons
and I the sound of creaking wood
and whispering leaves
I sleep alone
with the rest of the world

- Sunday, April 26, 1998 at 22:15:54 (EDT)
and test is what it does
not what it is
it's the simple thoughts
that are simple
not the minds
it's the tongues that tell lies
not lies speaking in tongues
its closure that is seeked out
we are not out of closure

- Sunday, April 26, 1998 at 22:13:27 (EDT)
An entry that is first

- Sunday, April 26, 1998 at 21:02:06 (EDT)