she throws kisses like flower petals she thinks but they may as well be falling leaves for all the death they carry
- Wednesday, September 23, 1998 at 20:10:39 (EDT)

look at a heart sick of beating
lungs tired of breathing
eyes ill of seeing
all that I already know
Im alone...
- Thursday, September 17, 1998 at 12:08:39 (EDT)

your friend
bn
- Wednesday, September 02, 1998 at 13:05:17 (EDT)

Well, I don't know you, so I'm certainly not the best person to ask about this. But I'll try.... I'd say that you're not exactly -selfless-. You do look out for your own interests more than most people I know. This isn't bad, but it might drive away those close to you who don't feel that your relationship isn't equal. It comes down to this..... All relationships involve sacrifice. Friendships, lovers, even families. You give what you feel is appropriate for what you take from the relationship. Sometimes people can't find a common ground. One person might feel they are being fair, but the other may feel differently. This is all relative. It's why relationships that aren't equal -CAN- work, because the two people involved see eye to eye on what their respective roles.....dictate it terms of sacrifice and reward. On the grand spectrum ranging from Mother-Theresa-selflessness to complete-life-sucking-leech, I'd have to say you fall on the leech side. But not too far on the leech side to prevent you from doing what right and keeping you from caring about people. But your vision of the give:take dynamic may be very different than Wade's. This is not to say that Wade is terribly selfless himself.......and perhaps that's where the problem lies? Not enough friendship for -BOTH- you guys' self-focused needs? BTW, you do need to get out of there. It's the best thing for both of you.
- Saturday, August 29, 1998 at 17:57:42 (EDT)

its funny how you can be such a dick to me in text but then when I take you out to dinner you just as nice as usual. Granted the night befor you took me out did I ask you? no! you offered. I dont want anything from you anymore but a roof till I find a place which will be as soon as possible. I dont care if you believe me or not. How sweet you are...its funny how easily I get blamed for the shittyness in your life. Every stain you see in the house minus the carpet will be easily removed. and I will get my moms shapooer this week and try and get this shit out. So thus they are not stains. fuck it man just fuck it. you seem to think I dont care and leave all this mess i guess you just fail to notice your own mess and cuz you have some problem with me being happy or somthng you just choose to see all of my mess but whatever dood act your age and fucking address things in person that bug you and stop belittling me on some web page
- Saturday, August 29, 1998 at 14:39:43 (EDT)

wow
- Monday, August 24, 1998 at 03:35:13 (EDT)

it is this
this is it
is it this
is this it
circular questions give me will to be
perfect suggestions will me to give
- Friday, August 21, 1998 at 23:00:14 (EDT)

a moment is a monument
carved in stone white quietly crying
swooning so soon she should have been saying
I dont mind
if you take my time
your heart for mine
this time I dont mind

- Friday, August 14, 1998 at 23:27:31 (EDT)

snap shot gets only half the picture
pouting face takes my breath away
away from this and all thats crazy
pretending kids get older much too fast
kinda sad the things often go unsaid
miscommunication steals words away
just simple words often dont convey
how much sorrier than sorry Im sorry to say
still cliche tears often ring so true
sorry to say Im sorry, sorry for you

- Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 01:53:20 (EDT)

- Wednesday, July 29, 1998 at 20:44:56 (EDT)

I love this

too much stuff in the way out of line
background picture paints the same
sanity sanitized, vanity materialized
and it went too far
go much too far
regarding it all lost its way
perfect picture paints the insane
the same raining diety
but has it gone too far
gone much too far
withered man, withered glass
poors time passed plastic spies
swollen eyes from hidden tears
taking too much little by little
gulp by gulp
its a pulp fiction kind of day
thinking its all gone too far
- Monday, July 27, 1998 at 23:17:25 (EDT)

forgiven forget-me-not
enough to try me on for size
enough to try this sincere suprise
Ill give you all I have
its everything Im not
this is sorry for everything Im not

- Friday, July 17, 1998 at 21:54:13 (EDT)

wish I cool hair like this

GRAPHIC DESIGN/OUTPUT: Tech/designer needed for fast paced studio. Mac, PC, Photo shop, Quark, Powerpoint, Illustrator, WEB exper. a must, animation & multimedia helpful. Send Resume to 5 W. Cary St., Rich., VA 23220 or fax 804-648- 1708.
- Sunday, July 12, 1998 at 21:52:57 (EDT)

well I will try and steer clear of this place as much as possible
till I can find a place to live
I really dont want to be on bad terms I bought him a present today.....why.....not to kiss his ass
just as a peace offering
I think that this situation is just another example of how you spend too much time with one person you begin to see things wrong about them and start to tolerate less of them than you would have if you were just hanging out
so for what its worth...this is me apologizing...this is me saying Im sorry for calling you a jerk and an asshole and for hurting you and for putting myself in front of you when you have done just that so many times....some times Im just blind
and hurt and confused
Im sincerely glad you had a good time last night, and though I said that I would make it a point of not missing you
I will (p.s. this is a journal/apology/whatever/spewing forth of feelings/I just dont want any bad blood/I dont want us to go on mad at each other/Im sorry note to myself and "HIM" and a atempt at saying I am not perfect and Im sorry)
- Friday, July 10, 1998 at 15:15:11 (EDT)

I have tried to be considerate to your inability to attract women. I have tried to be a true friend. I guess I didnt do it to your expectations. So you just go ahead and be alone. I wish you the best really I do. I hope you get all you want. Whatever that is. I tried to understand you but you didnt want to be understood.
I think I did all I was supposed to. Oh well, another friend dies to me. I'll still be in Richmond
I'll still be hanging out at twisters on thursdays. I'll still be seeing lydia. Because you throw me out doesnt mean my life will suddently suck
It doesnt mean that suddenly I'll see that you were trying to teach me a lesson
I dont need your lessons
It doesnt mean that I will suddenly become unhappy and lonely
I will miss you, sincerely
You find fault in me, I find fault in you
We are human and that is life
It sux though
I am saddened by it
not cause Im suddenly homeless again
I did fine before and Ill do fine again
I am sad cause you didnt talk to me about this
You were unable to express your feelings about this or werent able to admit your feelings to yourself
but not only am I hurt by this, so is Lydia. She wonders what role she has to play in all this
she isnt dumb you know and she isnt blind either
I know you'll start to really "hate july" cause thats what you want to feel right now
Im just confused cause I didnt see this coming
perhaps you will ignore the sincereity behind this, perhaps your too wrapped up in "woe is me" to see how you affect others
or maybe Im just blind to what I have done to make this happen
Im sorry Im cute
Im sorry I write good songs
Im sorry I know how to treat ppl
Im sorry you dont like me anymore
Im sorry your life isnt all you want it to be
I am sincerely sorry.
I love you man
sincerely
- Saturday, July 04, 1998 at 16:58:50 (EDT)

- Thursday, June 11, 1998 at 13:58:45 (EDT)

its always refreshing when people tell you "you've got it , the look, the smile, the eyes, the laugh you can be what you want"
like a cool drink of water my dreams are coming alive
so maybe I do have it who knows
- Saturday, June 06, 1998 at 17:07:06 (EDT)

PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE
LEARN TO USE YOUR COMPUTERS
I MEAN ITS COMMON SENCE

- Friday, May 29, 1998 at 18:43:26 (EDT)

---

sit and warm yourself
the fire of self pity burns brightest of all
the walkway is narrow and gothic
opionated and drowning
you cant pull me down there
Ive been there
I live there
living a conversation underlined by "feel bad for me
I have it soo much worse"
it is the ending thats like this
and it always ends just like this

but I wont forget you
not even when Im gone
not even when I dont leave at all
- Friday, May 29, 1998 at 18:24:59 (EDT)

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it is always only today
tomorrow exists only to keep us going
and yesterday is to teach us how to get there

- Wednesday, May 27, 1998 at 23:28:45 (EDT)

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Oh god A New band to obsess abouts
- Tuesday, May 26, 1998 at 18:29:14 (EDT)

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I think too loud
I feel the flake today
I let myself carlessly make myself carefully place my hands in the way
my words get in the way of how I feel
I let you think Im a mess
I let you dress me
cause it feels nice to not be alone
to make sence is futile
sence cannot be made
it must be sence
it must be seen coming miles away
you wanna hear my voice
I want to make you scream
I could make anything scream
frustrated
given enough time
but theres never enough time
- Sunday, May 24, 1998 at 19:45:56 (EDT)

---

Life is soo giddy silly slippiing through my hands
passing me by befor I ever let it pass me by
Im freezing, its colder than winter oceans
I move through fog and seas of voices
seas of time spent dreaming
all those if only dreams
every if only that could ever be
if only that was the way it really was for me

life gets smaller days get longer and I still dont know when Ill be stronger
kill the television
kill to relavence
kill the intuition
kindly killing your relatives

seas of time spent dreaming
all those if only dreams
every if only that could ever be
if only that was the way it really was for me
every if only dream of me

- Wednesday, May 20, 1998 at 00:57:40 (EDT)

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LISA IS THE COOOOOOOOOLESTs
- Saturday, May 16, 1998 at 00:49:57 (EDT)

---

for a mother

to be

- Saturday, May 09, 1998 at 00:26:44 (EDT)

---

for a princess

a dream of faries kisses
a kiss for the princess
and nobody ever listens
listens like this is it

I would give it all to you
only cause you listen
only cause you laugh
only for your wishes
only cause this could last

give anything for a forever with you
I'd give you anything for a forever with you
listen too seriously
this might make you laugh
or make you smile
or make you remember that Im always here....
for a princess

- Saturday, May 09, 1998 at 00:11:29 (EDT)

---

sometimes somthing comes along
sweeps you off your feet
just when you liked standing alone
you just seem so sticky sweet
caring, dareing the happy little girl
you turn me down
like you turn me around
and I like it, like it, like it, like a drug

raise my arms and smile at myself
keep my smile to myself but give it to you
if you want it want it want it like a drug
let me want to see you
let me want to scream
let me want to believe in you
let want to say the same things
over and over and over

your like wings on my back
or like the day gone black
hours pass like broken glass
its all unspoken
all shaped so twisted
it goes unsaid
wondering if this is it

- Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 22:56:12 (EDT)

---

things were said
said to you
said for you
and things were read
read to me
bleed for me
sing to me
and feeelings were there
and it makes me laugh
it makes me smile
it makes me walk miles and miles
still moving further away
the further away
the longer today
seems to take
- Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 20:09:39 (EDT)

---

but la la la
I sing praises
you simply amaze me
I think Im crazy
but you still amaze me

still you leave
bye bye
Never seen you
but soon enough
soon you'll be there
you'll be there soon
- Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 20:01:44 (EDT)

---

hey look I typed somthing
Interview's rock
new job preospects rock
girls rock
especially a certain girl by the name Lisa
(not mac tehc lisa either)
she is fun to talk to
Just wish she would send me some damn pictures
oh well
she is too fun
wish I could see her :(
- Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 19:57:40 (EDT)

---

bent up smile
and of course it was silly
silly to be mad
conforting in sadness
happy has to get sad somtimes
everything has to get said sometimes

afraid of things, writing the subtitles
this is what I miss
like doing herion and reading the bible
and to never want to never want
to never want to miss this

nothing like hiding your heart
losing you place
leaving your yourself staring into space

I trace your smile
staring into space
as I lose my place in this world
and it makes me happy

- Monday, May 04, 1998 at 22:53:22 (EDT)

---

cant sleep....oh and to sleep
forever and ever isnt close enough
but to sleep...oh and to sleept
such is this psychotic bliss
naturally fate wouldnt present itself
not like this

bands of color and the national anthem screams at me for hours
it would seem somthing special wouldnt it

but as mutable as life can get
as laughable as I forget
moodswings and everythings seems so brilliant

to seem so oblivious
to seem so obvious
to simply rely on chaos
so simple to imply and still forget Im alive

written on saturday by myself in the 3rd street diner
- Monday, May 04, 1998 at 22:44:30 (EDT)

---

well..........what to say?
I love my mom
she worries about me too much. Worries about my soul, worries whether I will be with her in heavan
I took her to the Franklin Graham revival in charlottesville yestarday
it was moving
not that I accept Jesus as my lord and savior
it was just moving. I cry whenever I see my mom cry
I hope she is ok

She called today. (not my mom) Says we should never talk again
I'm so saddened by that idea
to never hear her voice
to never know how she is doing
its my fault, I shouldnt have said what I said

but thats life
more later I hope p.s. sorry I didnt come back last night and left you with depression
- Monday, May 04, 1998 at 17:39:48 (EDT)

---

w a l k i n g
r a i n i n g   ,  p o o r i n g   m e   o u t s i n g i n g   t o   n o   o n e   s p e c i al
l o n e l i e r   t h e   s p a c e   b e t w e e n
a l o n e   l i a r   m u s t   m o v e   t o   c a r e f u l
- l   o   v   e -
- Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 00:11:04 (EDT)

---

words come so slowly......movement is so darkend
all I want.........all I want is to know what I want
to be endless, shapeless, carlessly speechless
Your place beside me has been replaced by your absence
I dress myself so misunderstood
paint me the color of carefully considered carelessness

hearing names...so many names Ive heard before
liked loved admired desired like so many times before
seeing faces Ive never seen so many times before
I pick out the line you pick the knot
I shuffle about
my arms raised
I notice you not noticeing me
silently sing praise
its the way it always is
the ways it will never let me
never let me believe

move me sing me a song
whisper words, read me your thoughts
am I lost again
is there anyone looking for me
Ive lost myself again
Im tired of looking

- Friday, May 01, 1998 at 23:18:25 (EDT)

---

What fun was had last night
Switchblade Symphony really impressed me
Even saw some ppl I hadnt seen in years
Granted I didnt talk to them either but thats just they way ppl are somtimes
oh well
cute gothic girlies are everywhere

Even got in a fight today
A cyber fight
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
It was based on whether all gothic ppl on the left side are the country are true goths
or all gothic ppl on the right coast are posers namely Virginia
dont get me wrong most ppl give me a reason to laugh at them within the first five minutes
but dont go around pre-judging when you haev no true evidence to back up your claim
if you havent been here you cant make a judgment like that
that is all
- Friday, May 01, 1998 at 17:09:16 (EDT)

---

what am I thinking of
medication..............self medication
it's highly underated I think......
I mean I know what makes me work better
I know it when I feel it
I most of the time like it
and the times when I dont............I just learn from it and move on

and on and on....
boredom can kill
I promise you that friends
you can die from too much of nothing to do
Ive seen it
I swear its true
but even sobriety can be a drug if you dont have it for a while
you stay so oblivious to sobriety that when you encounter it
its a whole new expierience................

lets sum up:

Self Medication is good but only if one knows themselves
Boredome can KILL!! beware of boredome
Sobriety can be a Drug

questions.................?
- Tuesday, April 28, 1998 at 20:09:52 (EDT)

---

RUGS!!!!!!
RUGS ARE NICE!!!!
Even nicer when you look under them
who knows what treasures you will find
KEYS!!!!
YOU CAN FIND KEYS!!!!
KEYS TO DOORS AND Other PrIzEs as Well
hail tankgirl
- Tuesday, April 28, 1998 at 14:39:36 (EDT)

---

And I say................
this isnt the way I had invisioned it this just isnt the way it was planned
but go with it I do, cause thats just the way this life seems to be
I tend to mope about, not all the time
but often enough to get tired
tired of this
tired of her
whoever she may be
just tired
tire
- Monday, April 27, 1998 at 20:14:09 (EDT)

---

a still summoner
I weeping willow tree
hanging in a summer breeze
an evening of moons
and I the sound of creaking wood
and whispering leaves
I sleep alone
with the rest of the world

- Sunday, April 26, 1998 at 22:15:54 (EDT)

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and test is what it does
not what it is
it's the simple thoughts
that are simple
not the minds
it's the tongues that tell lies
not lies speaking in tongues
its closure that is seeked out
we are not out of closure
- Sunday, April 26, 1998 at 22:13:27 (EDT)

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An entry that is first
- Sunday, April 26, 1998 at 21:02:06 (EDT)

---