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Previous: 4/26-4/30 5/03-5/10 5/11-5/21 5/23-5/28 5/29-6/04 6/05-6/10 6/11-6/15 6/16-6/26 i've been fighting w/ everyone will have to do some pondering and figure out the cause male PMS? ha - Sunday, May 10, 1998 at 12:38:57 (EDT) crash collapse spinning it out turning it down i'll push you over if the rain falls down and stand on your head like the postcard show it the wet summer of loud thumping and violence or just play? i fell for you feel in you know what words you mean without being heard another Sarah i have known met her a while back but did not really meet her until tonight she was bored just gave me a call it should not have suprised me i knew there was something about her i liked from the start all too similar this new Sarah met and I and she spoke of visions as another Sarah pointed out, vision speak my weakness she spoke of love and of the one she lives with now how she loves him but has doubt he is her grounding force, she knows that but she, like i, desires someone to share our dreaming self with she is torn pulling away from him not because of him, but for her the depth kept sinking our verbal exchange reaching a point that each word uttered scared us with shared feeling and painfull realization i wish to clarify though not for lack of desire on my part this was not a romantic evening and that was really nice less roadblocks to soul pouring and as things continued her signifigant came home early and unexpected a bit akward i felt at first yet he sat down had a beer and struck up conversation her doubt and painfully deep thoughts washed away like dirt in the rain she became giddy and overflowing with affection for him when she drove me home she commented on that she thinks to much don't we all i informed her that i was glad she reacted to him that way that she knew that he DOES make her happy i told her that it was nice to see them so captivated by each other and i meant it - Saturday, May 09, 1998 at 02:34:13 (EDT) go here 'cus he links to SiD even though her does not need to - Saturday, May 09, 1998 at 02:17:42 (EDT) my email is fried right now blech say prayers for machines named after winged mamals - Friday, May 08, 1998 at 14:39:01 (EDT) now Calliope dear why must you always start to speak your mind then clamp up? if there is something you wish to say, then say it i will listen and judge not only think and reply your words so often are just riddles sometimes i'm too lazy to figure them out - Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 19:24:45 (EDT) ouch i should be at work right now instead i am sitting here feeling like ass home & mostly naked drove to DC that was cool got lost for a bit, but finally found the club the 9:30 club in DC is in the hood i had never been there before parked and went in saw the show, good, noise, i'll talk about it later when i'm more awake midnight and the show is over back to the car the new car have not even made the first payment yet use the keyless entry remote, the alarm beeps weird... it had never done that before as i approach there is glass on the sidewalk the little window on the back door is busted out glass all over the back seat dumb thieves there is no way to gain entry to the car if you bust out the back window so i think to myself: can i have any more bad luck w/ cars??? still distracted i finally crawl into the car and try to head home i miss my exit the signs you must understand are impossible to read unitl it is too late DC has the worst roads and the worst signs funny that it is the capitol says a great deal about this country an hour later... finally headed home by the time i get here i'm nodding off and changing lanes without knowing i hardly remember parking the car just sleep and now miserable and late to work - Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 09:05:46 (EDT) tonight i go to DC i will see sonic youth explode w/ glee - Wednesday, May 06, 1998 at 18:20:53 (EDT) Apollo Pan: he sings to us, and looks so confused Bacchus Dagodevas: crafts a story to ponder and be drawn in to Freyia Arianrhod: finally her arrival, i grin to read of her, joy at the faintest thought, powerfull in simplicity and truth Hera Aine: innocent and ethereal in ways, she can walk on the plane of dream without the jaded doubt of it not coming to be real, and answer for the future? Calliope Hnoss: complexity and knowledge of the grounding, she brings me pain and that which does not kill us only makes us stronger, and i know i am not to die by her blade the voices each with their place in my heart, soul, mind i can not help but think of pooh each of Christopher Robbin's playmates reflecting a different part of himself i relate to each of them in different ways each knows me as a different person all enhance the person that i am through them many aspects of my being grow at one time i thank them and only hope i can return the favor - Wednesday, May 06, 1998 at 01:08:11 (EDT) why so much pain for your age? i wish you could know only love if i could give five years of pain for myself for a year of joy for you i would without me saying it you know the joy of being alone the pleasure of being without the pain caused by "everyone" that is what i wanted you to listen to i know not how to break through to you i wish i did never think that you are any less important than the others in a way you are more special the others were given a space in my heart but not you i focused lust on you not blind love the love i feel for you now has been earned you worked for it when i wanted to freely give it you would not accept you have your terms force respect you won't trust me forever leaving me guessing at what i must do to earn that in my heart i know there is no one thing and as long as i look for it you will not allow me that place do youe see that your denial of dreaming keeps me dreaming? that i push my vision so that maybe you will share in it do you see that i am convinced that i need not truely push anything because it is you who dreams the most more than us all you have answers and foresight hidden behind the layers of pain i watch, and wait for the time that you have chosen to peel back those layers a phoenix rising from the flames of rage fueled by the pain pain layed on by others most of it though, brought on by yourself you love so much when you can not you must destroy yourself time after time repeating the cycle building the wall of nails that lies now on your chest iron and six inches long piercing you enough to make anyone scream my point? maybe to let you know i see maybe to let you know i am wrong, so that you may correct me my point: to let you know i care enough to think think about you, feel for you love you - Wednesday, May 06, 1998 at 00:57:59 (EDT) if you never take anything else i say to heart hear this you, everyone go out right now and find Consilience: The Unity Of Knowledge by Edward O. Wilson buy it, read it think..... become more aware - Wednesday, May 06, 1998 at 00:12:55 (EDT) im better today a full nights sleep helped it's been a while happiness? no it's not what i feel, not what i ever feel alone but an overwhelming feeling of ease i function better when i am alone of that i am now sure no mood swings no chaos everything predictable and under my control anything that goes wrong is my fault no fingers to point that is a comfortable feeling sometimes i long for an eternity of that but in my heart i know it would destroy me it is the chaos that makes life interesting not having control of where the next day will take you that feeling of being alone is something i think we all need when i AM alone i feel less alone nothing there to remind me, that i can not shut out the outside world forever but i am fond of sensory depravation leaving myself unable to relate to humanity or comprehend your reality it's akin to the awakening of the ancient shamen an experience of religion of which i must speak faith a word with many meanings, strongest of which being a blind following what a moving feeling it must be to feel you understand to think that you have become aware of your purpose in the universe that you now know why you are hear the power of that liberation it could move mountains or kill millions and you have do not doubt faith, there is nothing greater but be wary of those that attempt to define it for you myself included the ones that speak out have had their own awakening the innocent ones wish to let you in on the wonders they have found the others wish to force you to see their way both are wrong the only true teaching is that which compells you to find your own way your own answers your own truth - Monday, May 04, 1998 at 18:09:48 (EDT)  tonight.... me.... in three - Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 23:19:41 (EDT) he left me with his depression went off to find god i am alone spooning raw corn from a can empty dirty not any part of the real world return to it... holding no desire what worth has a man? this flesh i desire death more than the return to the nothing the entertainment of that thought lurking in the shadows i refuse to look there though i held that hand once and damn this mountain of nothing in me i will never walk that road again - Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 21:42:21 (EDT) a few days past life not so exciting, or not that i care to record if it was a little travel ho hum generally bored and frustrated lacking time and motivation summer bringing me down everything around is down - Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 13:26:42 (EDT) |   |