My body may be young, but my soul is very old
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it occurs to me this morning that i must have been pretty grumpy lately
i've been fighting w/ everyone
will have to do some pondering and figure out the cause
male PMS?

- Sunday, May 10, 1998 at 12:38:57 (EDT)
crash collapse
spinning it out
turning it down
i'll push you over
if the rain falls down
and stand on your head
like the postcard show
it the wet summer
of loud thumping and violence
or just play?
i fell for you
feel in you
know what words you mean without being heard

another Sarah i have known
met her a while back
but did not really meet her until tonight
she was bored
just gave me a call
it should not have suprised me
i knew there was something about her i liked from the start
all too similar this new Sarah met and I
and she spoke of visions
as another Sarah pointed out, vision speak my weakness
she spoke of love and of the one she lives with now
how she loves him
but has doubt
he is her grounding force, she knows that
but she, like i, desires someone to share our dreaming self with
she is torn
pulling away from him
not because of him, but for her
the depth kept sinking
our verbal exchange
reaching a point that each word uttered scared us
with shared feeling and painfull realization
i wish to clarify though
not for lack of desire on my part this was not a romantic evening
and that was really nice
less roadblocks to soul pouring
and as things continued her signifigant came home
early and unexpected
a bit akward i felt at first
yet he sat down had a beer and struck up conversation
her doubt and painfully deep thoughts washed away like dirt in the rain
she became giddy and overflowing with affection for him
when she drove me home she commented on that
she thinks to much
don't we all
i informed her that i was glad she reacted to him that way
that she knew that he DOES make her happy
i told her that it was nice to see them so captivated by each other
and i meant it

- Saturday, May 09, 1998 at 02:34:13 (EDT)
go here
'cus he links to SiD even though her does not need to

- Saturday, May 09, 1998 at 02:17:42 (EDT)
my email is fried right now
say prayers for machines named after winged mamals

- Friday, May 08, 1998 at 14:39:01 (EDT)
now Calliope dear why must you always start to speak your mind
then clamp up?
if there is something you wish to say, then say it
i will listen
and judge not
only think and reply
your words so often are just riddles
sometimes i'm too lazy to figure them out

- Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 19:24:45 (EDT)
i should be at work right now
instead i am sitting here feeling like ass
home & mostly naked
drove to DC
that was cool
got lost for a bit, but finally found the club
the 9:30 club in DC is in the hood
i had never been there before
parked and went in
saw the show, good, noise, i'll talk about it later
when i'm more awake
midnight and the show is over
back to the car
the new car
have not even made the first payment yet
use the keyless entry remote, the alarm beeps
weird... it had never done that before
as i approach there is glass on the sidewalk
the little window on the back door is busted out
glass all over the back seat
dumb thieves
there is no way to gain entry to the car if you bust out the back window
so i think to myself:
can i have any more bad luck w/ cars???
still distracted i finally crawl into the car and try to head home
i miss my exit
the signs you must understand are impossible to read unitl it is too late
DC has the worst roads and the worst signs
funny that it is the capitol
says a great deal about this country
an hour later... finally headed home
by the time i get here i'm nodding off and changing lanes without knowing
i hardly remember parking the car
just sleep
and now
miserable and late to work

- Thursday, May 07, 1998 at 09:05:46 (EDT)
tonight i go to DC
i will see sonic youth
explode w/ glee

- Wednesday, May 06, 1998 at 18:20:53 (EDT)
Apollo Pan: he sings to us, and looks so confused
Bacchus Dagodevas: crafts a story to ponder and be drawn in to
Freyia Arianrhod: finally her arrival, i grin to read of her, joy at the faintest thought, powerfull in simplicity and truth
Hera Aine: innocent and ethereal in ways, she can walk on the plane of dream without the jaded doubt of it not coming to be real, and answer for the future?
Calliope Hnoss: complexity and knowledge of the grounding, she brings me pain and that which does not kill us only makes us stronger, and i know i am not to die by her blade

the voices
each with their place in my heart, soul, mind
i can not help but think of pooh
each of Christopher Robbin's playmates
reflecting a different part of himself
i relate to each of them in different ways
each knows me as a different person
all enhance the person that i am
through them many aspects of my being grow at one time
i thank them
and only hope i can return the favor

- Wednesday, May 06, 1998 at 01:08:11 (EDT)
why so much pain for your age?
i wish you could know only love
if i could give five years of pain for myself for a year of joy for you
i would

without me saying it you know the joy of being alone
the pleasure of being without the pain caused by "everyone"
that is what i wanted you to listen to
i know not how to break through to you
i wish i did
never think that you are any less important than the others
in a way you are more special
the others were given a space in my heart
but not you
i focused lust on you
not blind love
the love i feel for you now has been earned
you worked for it
when i wanted to freely give it you would not accept
you have your terms
force respect
you won't trust me
forever leaving me guessing at what i must do to earn that
in my heart i know there is no one thing
and as long as i look for it you will not allow me that place
do youe see
that your denial of dreaming keeps me dreaming?
that i push my vision so that maybe you will share in it
do you see
that i am convinced that i need not truely push anything
because it is you who dreams the most
more than us all
you have answers and foresight
hidden behind the layers of pain
i watch, and wait
for the time that you have chosen to peel back those layers
a phoenix rising from the flames of rage fueled by the pain
pain layed on by others
most of it though, brought on by yourself
you love so much
when you can not you must destroy yourself
time after time repeating the cycle
building the wall of nails that lies now on your chest
iron and six inches long
piercing you
enough to make anyone scream

my point?
maybe to let you know i see
maybe to let you know i am wrong, so that you may correct me
my point: to let you know i care enough to think
think about you, feel for you
love you

- Wednesday, May 06, 1998 at 00:57:59 (EDT)
if you never take anything else i say to heart
hear this
you, everyone
go out right now and find Consilience: The Unity Of Knowledge by Edward O. Wilson
buy it, read it
become more aware

- Wednesday, May 06, 1998 at 00:12:55 (EDT)
im better today
a full nights sleep helped
it's been a while
happiness? no it's not what i feel, not what i ever feel alone
but an overwhelming feeling of ease
i function better when i am alone
of that i am now sure
no mood swings
no chaos
everything predictable and under my control
anything that goes wrong is my fault
no fingers to point
that is a comfortable feeling
sometimes i long for an eternity of that
but in my heart i know it would destroy me
it is the chaos that makes life interesting
not having control of where the next day will take you
that feeling of being alone is something i think we all need
when i AM alone i feel less alone
nothing there to remind me,
that i can not shut out the outside world forever
but i am fond of sensory depravation
leaving myself unable to relate to humanity or comprehend your reality
it's akin to the awakening of the ancient shamen
an experience of religion
of which i must speak
a word with many meanings, strongest of which being a blind following
what a moving feeling it must be to feel you understand
to think that you have become aware of your purpose in the universe
that you now know why you are hear
the power of that liberation
it could move mountains
or kill millions
and you have
do not doubt faith, there is nothing greater
but be wary of those that attempt to define it for you
myself included
the ones that speak out have had their own awakening
the innocent ones wish to let you in on the wonders they have found
the others wish to force you to see their way
both are wrong
the only true teaching is that which compells you to find your own way
your own answers
your own truth

- Monday, May 04, 1998 at 18:09:48 (EDT)

tonight.... me.... in three

- Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 23:19:41 (EDT)
he left me with his depression
went off to find god
i am alone
spooning raw corn from a can
not any part of the real world
return to it... holding no desire
what worth has a man?
this flesh
i desire death more than the return to the nothing
the entertainment of that thought lurking in the shadows
i refuse to look there though
i held that hand once
and damn this mountain of nothing in me
i will never walk that road again

- Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 21:42:21 (EDT)
a few days past
life not so exciting, or not that i care to record if it was
a little travel
ho hum
generally bored and frustrated
lacking time and motivation
summer bringing me down
everything around is down

- Sunday, May 03, 1998 at 13:26:42 (EDT)