My body may be young, but my soul is very old
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well thank you to my guest book signers
Shannon and Carl and Katharine
i'm flattered
well ok i don't get carl's so it's not so flattering
but hey
at least he bothered to write!

- Thursday, June 04, 1998 at 23:05:08 (EDT)
i just had an idea for a short story
since i'll never get around to writing it i'll share the idea
if you like it feel free to steal it
use it
here goes:
there is a college student working on artificial intelligence
he is a big fan of electronic music
so he feeds his favorite songs into the machine to analyze for similar traits
an attempt to have the machine learn what makes good music
to test the success the machine must be allowed to create it own
but it is horrible
it lacks inspiration
but the student finds a solution
he connects the machine to the net
it then acts like a web crawler and turns the pages it finds into music
using it's knowledge gained from his CDs it takes the white noise and paints it into coherent sound

i like the concept
making a never ending song from the thoughts and ideas that people all over the world have commited to the web
maybe this would be a better short film
something sarah's friend Aton might make

- Thursday, June 04, 1998 at 17:23:31 (EDT)
Skinny Puppy lives on
- Thursday, June 04, 1998 at 16:52:33 (EDT)
sent an email to the Gus today
so i'm going to write an entry in his style

tonight i am expected to attend gofik night at twisters
a bunch ov groovy ghoulies getting together
listen to a bad dj
the music is mostly techno
every fourth song is a goth, industrial, or '80s retro tune
this is what richmond constitutes as a theme night
i feel old when i go
i can buy my own drinks
Bn likes it though
and i do to, when they play something i want to dance to
he likes to people watch
i can not understand how they don't irritate him to death
but to each their own
my anti-social tendacies shine through
i got a bad taste in my mouth for thursday nights last week though
i was kinda lookin forward to it
but Bn wanted to visit ivan first
ivan lives a block from the place
in the heart of VCU land
his apartment is this cluttered little trash bin
ivan, the unemployed, sits in the rat hole all day
watching pornographic springer, getting drunk, getting high, and playing bad music
when i first met him Bn and ivan played song for song
it was almost painfull, Bn is so good, ivan is not
but last thursday there i was laying on ivan's floor
jessica, someone Bn used to know, was tossin herself all over our musician (the good one)
she would ramble on about this drug or that while puttin down straight tequila
ivan, lookin like a burned up billy corgan, just sat an rambled
i interjected some
but mostly just lay on the floor dozing and imaptient to leave
ivan's amazing gurlfriend arrived, she is the sweetest
she had some stories to tell
of note was about her being evicted
the real estate people are already showing the apartment
the agent had let herself and some prospects in
when they walked in there she lay, naked, ivan's arm draped over her
must have been quite a site
made for a funny story
i think i would have rented the place on the spot
the night wore on
i was generally unhappy
i wanted to get a grove on
but we never made it
Bn was content to just lay on the couch
bonding w/ ivan
being adored by jess
i fear that is tonights fate
so i will stay home
or play video games
better than laying on a dirty floor
smellin cat poo, viewing dirty panties
being with people that don't interest me
if i go Andrea might be there
a dream she is, a living fairy
small and elf like
angelic with dark style
yeah, i have a crush, have since i met her
she is part of the old norfolk crew
moved up here for college
i miss those people sometimes
mostly Jeff
i miss him most of all
he was my closest friend of the past few years
I met him through Jon Dewitt, prolly my best friend ever
damn i miss those guys
i miss jon so much because i could not get in touch with him if i wanted to

i guess this really does not read like anything the gus would write
*laugh* oh well....

- Thursday, June 04, 1998 at 16:30:41 (EDT)
hey Bn,
when can I advertise your new web design?

- Thursday, June 04, 1998 at 14:07:09 (EDT)
darn typo.....(previous entry)
usually i fix 'em
but since i'm makin an entry about this one i won't

i'm starting to notice that many of the journal peeps know each other
even weirder is the fact that many think about the same things on the same days
like mention of X Files recently
a very odd breed
maybe we are all some lost colony
and this is how we used to communicate on our home world
that is
if half of us were not really just a 47 year old black woman

- Thursday, June 04, 1998 at 13:54:48 (EDT)
this guy lives in the same city
i found hime thanks to The Gus
so get bored
and go play on the web
while you are out there
go see what i made for puce

- Thursday, June 04, 1998 at 13:49:10 (EDT)
tonight i have intensity
thanks to puce for awaking something in me
a forgotten way to xpress
so much to give
or just a wish
and dahlin puce
when you buy that soundtrack
pick up Beth Orton's Trailer Park

- Tuesday, June 02, 1998 at 01:31:32 (EDT)
anger and rage
sometimes they make you feel powerfull
intelligent and aware
clear and clean
these emotions are pure
and they reflect my mood

- Monday, June 01, 1998 at 16:37:35 (EDT)
long and lacking of sleep
emotions stretched
little adventures everywhere
i am sorry lydia
sorry i made you frustrated with me
sorry that i maybe scared you
i am better now
but the thoughts still linger

said hello to isabella last night
weird that the obsession past
not that i really miss it
just makes the alone seem stronger
hello sarah... japan
hello sarah... new york

- Sunday, May 31, 1998 at 14:19:47 (EDT)
i must find out more about Blue Room Released
- Friday, May 29, 1998 at 17:19:50 (EDT)
it's lunchtime here
and as i walked down to the one of the many grub vendors
i was reminded of why i wanted/want to be in San Fran
so long ago it seems that i expressed that obsession on these pages
a new job helped cure it
but it is the new job that is feeding it again
standing there waiting for traffic it occured to me
if i tried to talk about what i do none of these people would get it
it's all magic to them
most would probably respond with "is that like AOL?"
i want to live in a place where i can stand on a street corner and hear people talking about the latest version of PhotoShop
i want to be able to go to a coffeehouse and talk to someone i have never met before about designing a good web page that works at 640X480
i want to live in a place where there are people that i can relate to and that can relate to me

this web stuff is my life now
it will always be part of me... from now on
and that isolates me
in my mind San Fran has become this mystical place where i may not be so alone
now when someone asks what my job is i hesitate
not because i am ashamed, far from it
but because my fear of that glazed-over look they are going to get
people assume that this glorified typing is beyond them
that i have some arcane knowledge they will never understand
so i hide what i know, what i do
a turn-off to them

and i hope some of those lucky ones out there read this
those jaded bastards that are unhappy with being so privelaged
i hope they read this and realize how lucky they are
to be able to start up conversation because of the knowledge they have
to be in a place where people their own age are doing the same things they do

yes, i'm thinking about getting out again

- Friday, May 29, 1998 at 12:56:18 (EDT)
sometimes lesbians really piss me off
because they are evil
but i'm getting ahead of myself
let me explain
yesterday as i was leaving work i saw this couple
but definately a certain type
short buzz cut
brown hair frosted blond
tacky sunglasses on those foamy neck holder things
tight denim shorts
bright, usually day-glo, tank-top
their build is like that of a marathon runner
lean and skinny
one usually a little larger than the other
it's sad
when i saw them i new
the look is so overdone
it screams their sexual preference

we were the only three people on the street
i on the sidewalk
they crossing over the pavement
i made eye contact with one
her instant reaction was to grab her lover and kiss her
and it was so obvious
it was not an act of passion
they were walking across the street
it was uncomfortable
i felt she may as well have lifted her leg and pissed on her
she did it because i have a penis
because she views me as a threat
is she that disturbed
that high on her mountain that she must send out a message
that she is, in her own mind, somehow better than me

it reminds me of the countless hordes screaming rape
it is an evil thing, i do not deny that
but every person with a penis is bad because of it?
and no i don't care that you do have male friends
it's deeper than that
it is the fact that so many of the girls (usually under 25)
look at a stranger with a penis and impose their own pain
they assume that unknown males must be bad

i have been sodomized by a friend with an empty beer bottle
she was convinced i would enjoy it
even when i screamed no
and the rape victems that say "i'm only a weak girl" know the truth
even if you are a strong guy it does not matter
you lay there helpless
you can not move
thinking over and over "why"
and they don't hear you
and they won't stop until you cry
that's if you are lucky
i have been there, felt that
but every time i see a woman with an empty rolling rock i don't assume she is bad

so i beg of women
stop your blind hate
i despise resenting you for it
test yourself
when you see a strange person, one with a penis
ask yourself
"do i already hate him?"
if your answer is yes then wake up
he did nothing to you
and if he does
maybe in some disturbed way
just as disturbed as your blind hate
his act is a response to his oppressor
the ones that assume he is bad
only for being born male

- Friday, May 29, 1998 at 10:23:21 (EDT)
the one so far away
but i call her different than the other two
why have i lost you
my times have changed
and i avoid it all
all that includes you
i was falling for you
falling so fast and hard
it would have hurt
i backed away
your life is about to change so much
you will change so much
i'll just wait through that i tell myself
pick up tidbits here and there from mutual friends
never first hand
because when i talk to you i dream of you
and my dreams are ever so intense
i am pained by what i should chase after
throw all caution to the wind
like i have said to you so many times before
but do it for real?
am i strong enough
brave enough
foolish enough
and what if i am not who you take me for
the essence you know
but do you know what my favorite things are?
it is soon time to run to that other coast if i dare
and i have thought of it
in recent past while dwelling on mind in the dark
looking internal
smothering in my own pain
depression a lover in my bed
and i said then "why die when you can run"
"if you go to her a broken man, she will still take you in"
but how could i do that?
i think of you and want only to deliver joy
in well thought words i can do that
on the fly though i am not that at all
i want to make you happy
but there is no way to know i could is to drop myself in your lap
or you in mine
i could fall for you
and maybe i should
but to do it
one of us must sacrifice everything we have been up until this point
all that we have worked our lives toward

i am rambling
the reason i wrote this is simple
i have not forgotten her
as she probably thinks
i am hiding from her, as i am sure she knows
i miss her greatly
she was, and is, the light at the end of the tunnel i've built of my own internal coal
i need to let her(l) know i am here

- Friday, May 29, 1998 at 09:43:14 (EDT)