My body may be young, but my soul is very old
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i love to hear the distant screams of japanese children at play
a dream of something i can not know
music and samples
i want to show her
tell her
this is how you made me feel
how miserable i am today
i am chewing on a plastic knife that i have bent in a thousand directions
unable to focus
work is just a wish
i am getting nothing done
my body punishing me for three hours sleep
sometime on the morning of the naked sun
we found the city hidden in your shoe
walking down the street of unwashed machine
a bird flew in my ear
we sat down for a drink
you ordered a table to build your house
i hovered in the flowers
words dripped on the floor
and the cat licked it up
a bark or two for the homeless man
he is nude in the puddle
but i have a spare rag
wipe down the bike
we are going for a drive
just tie my laces first
so tight it is hard to breath
feels good though
like peanut butter and jelly
or shrimp in the clouds
synthetic apocolypse
i try to explain it to you
but you dont understand
too caught up in my gender
try to hand us a paper clip
but it's no good
type it on his chin
this is too funny
but we have gone too far now
away from the things of man
a dangerous way we stroll
pull your shirt tight my dear
so they know i am not a threat
if they kill me
you should hide in my shell
see the world in a transparency

- Thursday, May 28, 1998 at 11:08:58 (EDT)
this is pretty neat
- Thursday, May 28, 1998 at 10:41:04 (EDT)
another one of them
pouring out the tumoil of having what it is i want so bad
in her car driving to nowhere
she plays her music... Lou, Bare Naked, Paula Cole
and she sings along
i so much want to yell at her
scream at the top of my lungs: stop it
not because she can not sing, she can, and very well
not because i don't like the songs, i do, she has good taste
it's because she emotes
because the emotions ooze out of her
like a thick tar that i drown in
my empathy a prisoner to their every swell
she is killing me with her pain
i am killing myself with my desire to provide her some way out
an answer to her questions
and when she talks there is the white noise
allowing me to think, get a grasp of my thoughts
but the music is too much
she pours into me
filling the veins
that flow through the muscles
in the hand
clenched in a fist
around my heart

- Thursday, May 28, 1998 at 02:33:22 (EDT)
Bn showed me another online music place
cuz i'm mad at GoGaGa cuz they didn't play Siouxsie like i requested

- Wednesday, May 27, 1998 at 17:31:28 (EDT)
happy birthday to Siouxsie Sioux (5.27.57)
and while finding that page i found this one
follow that link because all those women rock!!!

- Wednesday, May 27, 1998 at 12:42:03 (EDT)
the other evening a friend pointed out that i do not have much of my illustration online
she was refering to my hand drawn work
the "traditional mediums
she was right
and in order to appeas her i offer you these three, large file size/no slick page, scans:

- Wednesday, May 27, 1998 at 01:26:58 (EDT)
you bored loon


[[ sometimes the fool who rushes in gets the job done ]]
                      al bernstein
heh, Thanks!

- Tuesday, May 26, 1998 at 18:01:16 (EDT)
Justin is writing again, freed from thesis hell

The Gus, Justin Hall, & this Steadman fellow
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret
they are fake
all virtual
in reality they are just one person
her name is Dorothy Brown
a 47 year old black woman that runs a bakery in southern texas
ya see Dorothy is really lonely and bored
she had some extra cash and decided to make some new friends
so here she is churning out web pages
she pays these young boys to pose for pictures on the sites
and it got so popular that she has had to have them rehearse scripts that she wrote
that way she can send them off to conferences and such
they mumble alot, but it get's written off as their "artistic" nature

so there you go
the truth that was out there
too bad i don't have any pikchurz of Scully huh?

- Tuesday, May 26, 1998 at 14:16:06 (EDT)
it is lunch time
back at work after four days
was puking air friday... so yes it was four days off
not really in tune with the work concept
kickin out some web pages though
oh the things I've done w/ Virginia Ham
now that i think about it i have not linked to my work in a while
so here is the site i took over as webmaster for

sitting here eating some seafood variant of pasta salad
trying like hell to figure out who Carl Steadman is
he's pretty attractive for a web guy
watch out Bn
i just can't figure out if this kat is someone i SHOULD know

and BTW go look at my guestbook and DO follow those links
i'm lucky in that no bad web page owners sign my guestbook

- Tuesday, May 26, 1998 at 12:59:20 (EDT)
this dark feeling i find myself in
a warm lover in my bed
she calls to me
i, standing in the light of the moon
stare through the window at a cat on a car's roof
i need to shower
our deviant acts together leave me feeling dirty
i wish i could escape her
not think about the pills she offers
or the gun
or the running
so much weight she reminds me of
her whispers in my ear of money due but money not had
her spotlights on little irritations by those i hold close
she pulls me from them
her sultry form so easy to bury myself in
she would let them bury me
this woman, beast, lover
knowing my buttons
how to release the anger inside my heart
the pain of years
built into something more dreadfull than i care to aknowledge
i swore to myself she would not lead me to the end again
that the last time i was there a sarah pulled me free
my lover points out that they are all too far away
all of them
those that could not possibly know me
they're just words i say
only if i could know them not
nothing but her
squeezing her in my arms
as the needle pushes in slowly
one last high
it is the escape i seek
she is with me
so it will be them, you, us that i flee from
the cost of existence so high

diese Frau ist mein Tiefstand
eine Metapher für, was ich kann nicht zulassen

- Tuesday, May 26, 1998 at 01:13:21 (EDT)
Right fear and - Loathing
of the saw; I fall for gurl
of one another man; it and I Saegetogether
I the phenomenon, if junkie
been its; in one another extension of life I died in OD
I am that
full safe; to the remainder, that fingernails
here mine; chews; because I age last the two long hours

- Sunday, May 24, 1998 at 01:07:04 (EDT)
just saw Fear & Loathing
i'm falling for another man's gurl
they and i saw it together
i the freak, that should have been a junkie
in another life i died from an OD
i'm pretty sure of that
sitting here chewing my fingernails
like i have been for the past two hours

- Sunday, May 24, 1998 at 01:01:56 (EDT)
a well made escape from reality.....
this Ultima Online game i have found
Alek Traunic in the Chesapeak shard
making his home in the city of Yew
hours have i spent there
building towards a being that is greater
other warriors met
Cluruchan walked the path with me
watched as a fould beast fell me
his aid a great help

i escape from what is real

a translation of poem:
i my bitter life
i almost loose sight of what is good
what is pure
the innocent gave of a child
up to the heavens
skies that are filled with mounds of cotton
a beauty of nature
eclipsing all that i think of as wrong
how can i be angry in a world with such magic
a planet that is made of grace
there can be no wrong
in a world this amazing

that my life lasted
forms stone I close aligning outside
to block that this
pure not guiltily
of cavity elasticity a child
sky that which too much
riempirsi beauty
normal monticule for colludere
much that which to too much think like
malvagitā like same in
relative position
I disturbing in such world planet
that which too so pure to form magic
beauty relative in degree
here any malvagitā in world astonishment

- Saturday, May 23, 1998 at 20:18:08 (EDT)