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Previous: 4/26-4/30 5/03-5/10 5/11-5/21 5/23-5/28 5/29-6/04 6/05-6/10 6/11-6/15 6/16-6/26 ya see he is prolly the single individual most responsible for the person I am today in those ficle years of high school we saw the world with different eyes pupils dimmed by the smoke of decay crusted nearly shut by the stupidity of our peers they were happy times let me tell you grrrrrr but if I DO tell you i'll have to punch you in the gut and steal your soul have a nice day and go visit his site and read everything there cuz if you don't i'll have to do perverse thing to everyone in your family - Friday, October 16, 1998 at 03:37:58 (EDT) What enemies have I found? In a home so remembered Lost in sands that drift around your eyes A secret we kept For a thousand years A lifetime past in a glance A quiet whisper in a darkened room To forget all the pain Curled in a ball As if a drifting ship My sails full of dream Listen now my child This tale is yours To keep us warm I slipped away that rainy night Never to smell that scent again A lamppost help your form A twinkle in a young boys mind "Is that it" He sang A song of heavenly collision A memory from a lost friend It's significance rings in my heart tonight "Let's get happy" Another cord played But I am you see I am alone With nothing to fear But the return to sleep A bed so cold As it's always been The monsters sleep with me no more My machines are broken Warped around flesh In curling steel A wire hanging that smothers the fresh taste Taped cones and stacked music These are my things Cluttered in reflection Of a soul that must be eclectic A mess to be seen But a home for me Hello all my lost friends The past creeps up out of a locked closet Humor in how memory is gone A vacant head A misguided stare So dirty If we rest We will wake fresh On another day - Monday, October 12, 1998 at 02:30:55 (EDT) i love that the compliments always come from the people that identify themselves and those that seek to "hurt my feelings" hide behind the safety of anonimity i look forward to the day that someone thinks my work is crap and actually has the stuff to back up their point of view "your site sucks" and then they leave their name and URL and i'm blown away that would be a great day indeed doubt it would happen though funny thing is: most people with talent don't waste time attacking other people they must be too busy creating.... btw my spelling sucks... :) - Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 23:24:56 (EDT) i hate syquest! their sparq drives are pieces of shit!! i have 5 gigs of data sitting here lost my entire backup of my machine before i upgraded it and tonight the second sparq went belly up a call to their techs revealed that bad drives make bad disks something they failed to mention when they shipped me the replacement drive which means the first drive made all of my disks bad and they in turn ruined my second drive so all the data is lost and the only chance for recovery comes at $700 a disk which means it's not going to happen all my art... gone all my files for SiD... gone and my writing... gone everything i've done since febuary 96... gone not phisically gone, oh no i have five pieces of plastic sitting here in front of me taunting me it's all there i'm sure and i might be able to have another drive sent to me that could read it maybe shit i guess it could be good cathartic is the word i think but hell what a waste kinda hard to make a portfolio when all my art is gone screwed, screwed, screwed i don't want to do this for a while maybe not ever again goodbye - Tuesday, October 06, 1998 at 21:13:54 (EDT) i made this for her she's been the subject of some of my best work .... glee i think i'll go visit soon - Sunday, October 04, 1998 at 23:35:45 (EDT) blub blub drowning in slack - Sunday, October 04, 1998 at 23:08:32 (EDT) i just saw What Dreams May Come, the new Robin Williams movie it reminded me of a few things of how we can take things for granted and how i have forgotten to stay focused on something on someone live life the way you feel it in your heart no matter the cost if your soul leads you it will be worth it - Friday, October 02, 1998 at 23:38:35 (EDT) welcome back hera aine - Wednesday, September 23, 1998 at 08:41:31 (EDT) have not been making time for comment much is goin on me, a foolish human walking blindly into the past not thinking of the emotional fallout two years since i last saw her that last night when i told her how i had felt since we met when i had been rejected i could not cope with it then and i hid from her for two years but i wanted to see her so i searched her out and now after only lunch i'm swooning again confused, but happy overly distracted why do we willingly walk into chaos? possibly self-induced but when we looked into each others eyes... it was such a deep stare things were hinted at a hug that seemed so strong and when we parted i could still smell her perfume on my shirt that really got me oh my why is this happening again why does it feel so good? - Tuesday, September 22, 1998 at 10:52:15 (EDT) but is that spoken (sung) from my lips or yours? - Friday, September 18, 1998 at 13:53:07 (EDT) "i'm fukin dyin ova here" can i go home now? - Friday, September 18, 1998 at 13:51:11 (EDT) grrrr i work in a very conservative organization and well, it's state government so they are eating this presidential impeachment thing up i have one comment and one question on the matter first: if you for a second think that this investigation has anything to do with moral issues and not a purely political move then you need to wake the fuck up, it's just another case of classic mudslinging and the question: who would you rather have in charge; a man that would lie about a private (yes, disgracefull) act to protect his family and integrity or people who would lie about their motives for exposing such an act so that they could gain power and influence? seems pretty simple to me i mean look at our country... of which our president is a citizen of we live in a place where divorce is more common than long marriages should we expect this man that represents us to not be like us? well that's a good one but i sure as hell know i would rather have a guy after a little ass (show me one that's not!) in charge instead of some jerks that would do anything to make the other "party" look bad those same jerks discredit the office and make the whole country look bad they don't realize that people are just as unlikely now to trust and republican dickwad that they put in to replace clinton ok thatz my rant i wish the people here could read this instead they are reading the starr report or whatever prolly touchin themselves thinkin how bad it is that the president does - Monday, September 14, 1998 at 15:30:53 (EDT) oh and electronic music in richmond happens too go listen - Friday, September 11, 1998 at 15:27:42 (EDT) music is coming to town a gathering dance, dance, dance - Friday, September 11, 1998 at 15:26:30 (EDT) go here NOW!!!!! agree to all the terms and listen oh my gawd just listen! - Friday, September 11, 1998 at 11:39:39 (EDT) Goth n 1: a crude uncouth ill-bred person lacking culture or refinement [syn: {peasant}, {barbarian}, {boor}, {churl}, {Goth}, {tyke}, {tike}] 2: one of the Teutonic people who invaded the Roman Empire in the 3rd to 5th centuries [syn: {Goth}] - Thursday, September 10, 1998 at 18:47:22 (EDT) eccentric adj 1: conspicuously or grossly unconventional or unusual; "restaurants of bizarre design--one like a hat, another like a rabbit"; "famed for his eccentric spelling"; "a freakish combination of styles"; "the outlandish clothes of teenagers"; "outre and affected stage antics" [syn: {bizarre}, {freakish}, {freaky}, {flaky}, {outlandish}, {outre}] 2: not having a common center; not concentric; "eccentric circles" [syn: {nonconcentric}] [ant: {concentric}] n 1: a person with an unusual or odd personality [syn: {eccentric person}, {oddball}, {geek}] 2: a person of a specified kind (usually with many eccentricities); "a strange character"; "a friendly eccentric"; "the capable type"; "a mental case" [syn: {character}, {type}, {case}] - Thursday, September 10, 1998 at 18:43:14 (EDT) grrrrr i wanna go to this show tonight but it's in DC and i'd have to go alone and be back for work tomorrow shit shit shit - Thursday, September 10, 1998 at 12:41:22 (EDT) a great talent is lost - Thursday, September 10, 1998 at 12:12:42 (EDT) tinkerbell you make me squishy - Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 18:09:52 (EDT) just bought two CDs Catherine Wheel Ferment basically because i kant get "black metallic" out of my head Diamamnda Galas malediction and prayer because i'm hooked - Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 17:51:53 (EDT) i had never heard Robyn Hitchcock's Yip Song before right now it made me chuckle - Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 12:22:18 (EDT) alright so i have to call bullshit on myself this morning the air was cool and crisp perfect a lawn on the way in had been freshly cut and I love the smell of fresh cut grass and something else too i was thinking of coming to work early because i was awake but my ICQ beeped in with someone coming online it was 6:30am my time 7:30 pm hers so i made a long LONG distance call and a voice from japan raised my spirits there is no way this day can be bad now of all the people that know me sarah is probably the only one that does not think i spend most of my time angry or depressed we laughed and sighed she made me blush i felt 12 "10" she corrected it's more innocent the past is bad most times but some people make remembering worth it - Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 09:37:05 (EDT) don't ask me to explain i am just really enjoying Andrew Bain's web site this morning ????? shit my alarm goes off in 4 minutes i shoulda gone back to bed a while ago this day is gonna suck - Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 06:16:07 (EDT) after i got back from being in the open air (quite a trek too, but i don't feel like talkin about it now) i feel directly asleep which meant i woke up at 4:30 am bored out of my mind somehow i ended up at the Diary Registry i began to realize how much other peoples lives suck wow... i mean i was closing windows so fast my mousepad was meltin but i had to check the other ones in Virginia for some reason i seem to be more tolerant of local "talent" i like vitameatavegamin for no particular reason and Andrew Bain made me laugh so i think I'm goin back to bed now oh, and i think bn is dead he was supposed to get his stuff tonight but i have not heard from him at all and he was supposed to go to DC Monday for a concert - Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 05:59:54 (EDT) amazing weather outside no time for a journal when i can be outside! - Tuesday, September 08, 1998 at 17:17:18 (EDT) it is commonly known amongst the people close to me (mostly this means bn) that i am no big fan of music that is considered "gothic" tonight i add an exception to that statement i recieved a flyer in the mail from the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts it advertised a series of performances which you will see if you follow that link at the top there was a name that seemed familiar Diamanda Galás i realize now that i had heard her voice before she has worked with fm einheit a name any industro-boi's ears should perk up to well, before i realized this i had shuffled down to the local music store and made a purchase The Divine Punishment & Saint of the Pit a single CD that collects these two previous works painfull and stunning if you like music that rips your guts out and shows 'em to you all with a four octave vocal range well this is for you and you can count on me seeing her perfomance! - Tuesday, September 08, 1998 at 00:19:40 (EDT) that's my name - Monday, September 07, 1998 at 00:52:20 (EDT) it's late i should really get to bed this is the bad time when the mind takes the soul to painfull places i just caught up with puce since the new job she's the only online person i dedicate time to read one of her longest most honest entries in a while she's good makes me think even though she's a gurl, from the west coast completely different world i related to what i read i remember the being alone in a group of friends the pining away three years of my life christine bellman was her name she considered me a close friend inside i wanted to be so much more but i never spoke it i was always the sucker for a hard luck story after chrissy it was always the puppy dog never making the first move never confident convinced that if love was to happen it had to be pure it had to be mutual i viewed myself as uniteresting slightly overweight with little to offer those self-views formed in early adolescence stay with us for a long time maybe forever i can not really say yet but at 23 they are still lurking as is the hope of pure love this time of the morning harps on those ideals dwelling on an end to loveless existence in sex or something stronger i read puce and think of recent dreams standing in a crisp new york winter hugging a stranger but with her in my arm i feel strong tall invincible memories of the dream are a collage it was not a sexual dream but emotional i remember the overwhelming sense of feeling heroic as if i were the character of some greek myth laying next to her in bed just resting after a full day watching my hand touch her cheek sitting across a table sipping hot tea watching through rising steam she, distracting, not noticing my stare in dream she was safe because i was with her damn this torture i must sleep let the music of underworld take me into the dark a filmhouse that my mind will light with the movie of my dreams hopeless i am dumb ass romantic - Sunday, September 06, 1998 at 03:26:17 (EDT) this evening i rented naked it's an odd film very disturbed kant say i really enjoyed it but it definately left me feeling predatory - Sunday, September 06, 1998 at 02:05:13 (EDT) wanna see some photography? ok, the click here - Friday, September 04, 1998 at 18:26:37 (EDT) dreamline has been updated i really think dave mckean should hire this guy as an archive specialist for his art this site really captures the spirit of the art i applaud the webmaster for the level of dedication it takes to make such a great site! - Friday, September 04, 1998 at 15:27:36 (EDT) ya know nairb that's twice in a month i've had naked highly recomended to me walker said i should check it out too i guess i gotta now btw, walker, if you read this, give me a call - Friday, September 04, 1998 at 09:47:05 (EDT) um.... hit this link by accident ok bye w-a-d 2 tha e - Thursday, September 03, 1998 at 12:28:45 (EDT) puce has pix hey bn look at 5 & 6, notice the poster in the background and Silvia's shirt forget gina, u need to move to NYC - Wednesday, September 02, 1998 at 13:56:32 (EDT) alright bn, thanks for listening, and for the first time in a while i listened too maybe it could have been handeled differntly, but i don't know how but what's done is done you probably will get a better job now, you have to and that's good i understand about the concert kinda figured i'm not going alone though as you know the only thing that got me to buy the ticket was you wanting me to go so if you know anybody that needs a ticket 20 bucks for Bauhaus in DC on labor day but i'm prolly just out 25 bones :( oh, and i almost forgot, the dish rack is yours i'll go to the WalMart tonight and get a replacement take care man and good luck - Wednesday, September 02, 1998 at 13:41:09 (EDT) hurm i must have lost my dictionary apparently being kicked out means something other than i thought seems that it means your not allowed around when the person that kicked you out is home but it's ok to hang out when he is at work it's ok to dirty more dishes plug in his computer (bad thunderstorms last night) and fart around who knows what else damn it i placed trust in bn again, like a fool let him keep the key because he said he would come during the day to get his things things that are still here i should have known better should have known he would take advantage of it that he would give me shit because of a dumb ass fucking jar it's not my fault that you never got another job i didn't make you NOT look for another place to live these things were all you being lazy i would have been at fault if i continued to let it go on i offered you a place to live and now i pull the rug out from under you that's how you will always think of me how i wronged you i'll have to deal with that but i think i'll be ok with it i really enjoyed the time we spent together bn i really did it is a shame you did not move to richmond on your own we probably would have been best friends for a very long time but i could not have you in my home any longer i could not come home one more day to a place i work hard for but did not feel like mine could not spend another evening waiting around to use my computer no longer could i live my life so that it accomodates you not every second of it no more times when i can not listen to a cd because you want to hear the cure of play your guitar find your own place play music all you want listen to the cure for days straight stay up all night sleep all day sit around forever doing nothing don't go to work don't get a better job do whatever makes you happy but what makes you happy is not always what makes me happy since late april i have looked past that we had some great times yet i need to persue what makes me happy on my own i could not wait for you any longer i had to prevent you from feeling that you were welcome as long as you wanted i had to kick you out before handing me a single dollar i demanded you pay rent in an effort to get you to look elswhere but that failed i could no longer rely on you to do anything about changing this situation you can reply that you have interviews lined up that i acted too soon but remember that it was a "sure thing" interview that got you in the door in the first place it's taken you since april to get two more it's not that the jobs are not there it's not that you don't have desirable skills it's that you have not bothered to even look and no new job means no new place to live which means you would have stayed here as long as i let you good luck on the jobs btw i don't want you to do this to someone else and if she is that other person i don't want you to screw up she is a good person and good for you she cares about you a great deal, i'd hate to see you hurt yourself by hurting her ok... there's too many things going on in my head i've smoked to cigz while writing this and sighed alot but it's done please let it stay that way i don't want to be angry at you or see you do something dumb i just need you out of my home and lets get dinner sometime i'll treat, no strings attached (that'z easier to do when we don't come home together) i still might go to twisters on thursdays sometimes when i do your more than welcome along for the ride i would not mind driving to DC for the concert either i got the ticket sitting on my scanner when you came in last night things were calm i doubt either of us really expected that but i can not be angry to your face i think you know that that's why i keep a journal of course it just happens to be a "fucking webpage" that everyone can read including you i don't hate you i hate living with you you, i really like, i'd go as far to say i love you (fuck you to tha pervz out there) but i despise living with you i need to be alone, it's who i am, who i must be for whatever reason you want to give; you being here was killing me i would shove a drowning man off my back to keep myself from drowning maybe that makes me a bad person it seems you are able to gather more sympathy for your situation than i so i guess i am in the end i usually get shafted no matter what i do or have done i'm the asshole you are right bn you are not the only one that has said the things you say about me but that's who i am i've learned to live with me and i've also learned very few other people will i've accepted that part of that acceptance is my desire to be alone if nobody else is there then i will not be misunderstood i've known that for a long time i need to be alone, away from those people that can not see me you have lived with me and only caught glimpses you know more of the details than most but often miss the function caused by those details i would say i have my fair share of mental instability and i need my own space to explore that you would not understand you are not expected to at this point i can only think of one person who i would share any of that with who would understand but fate keeps that soul on the other side of the world with time my belief in even that person has slipped i have held back with you here i can do that no longer shaving my head again was actually a sign of that the last time i did it resulted in the drive to leave norfolk behind i am obsessed with symbolic actions more so than i could ever discuss with you while you lived here your presence has been a hinderance i wish you would realize that i wish you could understand it is not your person i needed freedom from it was your presence - Tuesday, September 01, 1998 at 19:54:24 (EDT) "i want to see a negative before i provide you with a positive" "what's that gonna prove" "induldge me" damn it my right hand is completely fucking numb that happens too ofter these days - Monday, August 31, 1998 at 20:50:55 (EDT) Antz!!! I'M SO GLD THIS MOVIE WAS MADE!!!!! i only regret thhat i did not work on it but there is always the sequel right? - Monday, August 31, 1998 at 12:07:11 (EDT) just read bn's latest comments ewwwwwww my ears don't hear you anymore..... sorry i'm just gonna be the jerk of the universe oh well it is pretty shitty of me but ya know what? you are exactly where you were when i let you move in and you are gonna find some other poor slob fill them with promises of "i got an interview in a couple days" "i'll only stay a few weeks and be out as soon as possible" yadda, yadda, yadda i talked to you already and you called one place, one possible apartment but gave up before ever even talking to the guy so screw you you won't even try i'm not gonna stand for it i'm forcing the situation that's that - Monday, August 31, 1998 at 01:19:26 (EDT) just saw saving private ryan wow and now i'm packing damn though, a film that leaves you shellshocked - Monday, August 31, 1998 at 01:05:53 (EDT) - Saturday, July 04, 1998 at 19:57:04 (EDT) that's a good one too - Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 20:29:24 (EDT) oh shit HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 21:56:59 (EDT) in Apollo Pan need to read it today, cuz it changes - Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 20:26:06 (EDT) oh BTW for those of you that may be a bit confused by what i'm rambling about here this is a "conversation" w/ bn - Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 20:23:22 (EDT) that's nice... you done now? i hope so, because you are not very good at this anymore not very good at making me feel like a bastard for wanting my life back i've asked you to leave before you didn't so i'm kicking you out doing something for me i know it's shitty for you but oh well you've been told this was coming from day one it's pretty shitty for me to have someone sleeping in the living room so i've stopped having faith that i was doing a good thing having faith that you were just here temporarily this has little to do with you a great deal to do with me i'm being selfish yeah me!!! i was the little kid that stopped sharing his toys because when he did the other kids would take them home and keep them - Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 20:15:13 (EDT) damn.... that was supposed to be fool not foll heh it's funny, i'm in a pretty good mood maybe because this was inevitable and i've been working up to it maybe because for the first time in a while i'm looking ahead without the thought of any burdens on my back maybe it's because of how good this book i got recently is i find myself pretty inspired and wishing i was a better photographer oh, and take a look at yahoo's Dave McKean section most of those pages are worth a look - Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 16:52:10 (EDT) your guilt trips are not going to work this time i'm so disgusted with myself for being a foll all this time it's so obvious now that our "friendship" is based on me providing you a place to live based on me providing for you and you have hardly done anything to change that as i said before all the things that you have said you will do "as soon as i can" are no closer now than the day you walked in my door no, i don't want you sleeping here another night yes, you can leave your things until friday at that point they are going in the hall - Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 16:35:37 (EDT) here is the answer: a soon as possible is not soon enough you're gone want to save a friendship? then work on that after your're out you've been saying you'll do this, do that, "as soon as possible" for too long no new job, now new place to live, car is still illegal, ect, ect i really don't give a shit what you think of me i just don't want you living in my home another day i don't care what you think my motives are, just get out and not as soon as possible, get out now your days of freeloading off of me are over it's done and why did i not talk talk to you in person? because you twist things around because unless it's written down where you can't change it you will say it never happened so here it is get out - Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 13:24:24 (EDT) thinking of gus - Friday, August 28, 1998 at 11:16:00 (EDT) sigh..... hate why am i so mean to you? because i've asked you to leave and you won't because you are so self centered you are inconsiderate you dirty every dish and leave them piled high you ask me for money to entertain her you, who already owe's me did you need it? no could you have gone on just fine without? yes you took my last dollars dollars that i could not spare you took them eagerly you will leave your presence known when you go as you do each time you depart a couch layed flat only cleaned when it suits you the floors and bathroom stained in the name of your beauty maybe you have not understood the times i have said before so i say again leave you have made yourself unwelcome and she asks why i am mean to you? i'm sure your answer placed me at fault look past the stains on the mirror as you walk out the door and see the cause - Friday, August 28, 1998 at 03:52:25 (EDT) listenin to some net radio this one mix has a sample: "cgi agent data nully" anybody know what that's from? made me giggle - Wednesday, August 26, 1998 at 11:27:27 (EDT) i grow very tired of the refusal of classifications this eve i was confronted with much hostility to the idea i said "oh that's like so&so" instantly sending the creator of said product into a rage i have never been able to understand that attitude grouping something with other things i percieve to have similarities only gives a reference point to analyze the item in question it is not derogatory or demeaning take SiD for example: "oh, it's just another online journal" why yes it is... reference point made, now read it and compare to the others "but i don't like personal journals" then you probably won't like this site i'd like if you took a look anyway, but don't stress it when looking for a car i want a description of 4 door sedan and not just car record stores SHOULD have different sections or else i'm walking home with conway twitty that i got from the singular "just music" bin a cat IS a cat big band music IS big band music these are not bad definitions, just identifiers like bad spelling for example if one does not like the classification they recieve then i feel it is their issue to resolve because if one person makes the classification then countless other will as well learn to deal with it don't be foolish and live in denial of the human nature to make reference points and for gawd sakes don't get pissed when someone does - Wednesday, August 26, 1998 at 03:28:36 (EDT) music at it's finest sit back, relax, and let the ooze flow over you - Tuesday, August 25, 1998 at 09:04:12 (EDT) a reminder of a group to find music by http://www.cs.umu.se/~tdv94ati/dj/vinyl-1.html - Monday, August 24, 1998 at 16:07:22 (EDT) last night was one of the most interesting saturday eves i've had in a while the day yesterday was relatively unproductive much like today but i had been invited to a party the bledsoes they run quite a bit of the show over at ArtSpace the gallery that i've helped with RPAC events at they are good people i'm going to try and set up an all digital art show there but anyway i was invited to this party at first it was pretty chill i didn't know anyone and am always introduced as "the web guy" which i don't mind but i hate to be known for my job "this is wade, he does internet stuff" yadda yadda yadda but then walker showed up and that's when things took a turn for the better walker is an interesting fellow i first heard of him at artspace he was the first one to do any video art there in fact the reaction to his "digital" art is going to be the main reason the electronic art exhibit will happen he's rather quiet keeping to himself always dressed in gray with a pouch/bag slung over his shoulder the type of person i look at and think: what's this guys story? the ArtSpace folks had determined that walker and i should be friends a good call on their part we have a great deal in common similar views on most things, passionate about what we do, reclusive, dreamers i like the guy he's neat we talked about music, film, drinking, and the end of the world that last one was basically a y2k thing a few other people were in on that one it left us with images of soup cans and guns in our heads we all felt kind of dirty after that talk with walker were amanda, a perfect goff gurl that's grown out of the sound and mike, a paranoid stealth-geek that really doesn't like anything by far they were the three most interesting people at the party so when they said they were leaving walking to another party i tagged along that's when walker asked me who bn is it suddenly hit me walker reads these pages reads them on a fairly regular basis he had made a few comments in reference to the site earlier in the eve but it did not sink in until that instant for the first time i was talking to a person who knew a great deal more about me than i did of them it was scary and exciting at the same time i wish i knew how he views me an unatural sense of ease maybe as if i really don't have to explain things weird very very weird he already knew some of the stories i had to tell without ever hearing them before eventually we arrived at this other location a less "intelligent" gathering basically a gap ad come to life and passing around a pipe loud and pretty shallow and drunk not my scene really we proceeded to the living room once there walker (with a great amount of pleasure) found a tape of raising arizona at least we could be entertained amanda went to locate the person who had invited her and friends to this shindig we sat and watched the film i alomost wishing someone had taken notice of the fact that we were crashing the party but no such luck i should have done more that just ashing my smokes on the floor maybe raided their fridge but it was all good after a while we noticed that amanda had disappeared we split up a scoured the house in search of her look past all the white boys with their perfect clean dreads but no goff gurlz to be seen apparently she has a tendancy to wander off and she was pretty drunk when we got there soooooo although it was unspoken i think we all felt better departing without her there so i drove them back to walkers van - Sunday, August 23, 1998 at 19:22:10 (EDT) Dear President Andrew Jackson: The canal system of this country is being threat-ened by the spread of a new form of transportation known as railroads. The federal government must preserve the canals for the following reasons: One - if canal boats are supplanted by railroads, serious unemployment will result. Captains, cooks, drivers, repair-men, and lock tenders will be left without means of livelihood, not to mention the numerous farmers now employed in growing hay for horses. Two - boat builders would suffer and towline, whip, and harness makers would be left destitute. Three - canal boats are absolutely essential to the defenses of the United States. In the event of the expected trouble with England, the Erie Canal would be the only means by which we could move supplies so vital to waging modern war. As you well know, Mr. President, railroad carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by engines, which in addition to endanger-ing the life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside setting fire to crops, scaring livestock, and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should move at such breakneck speed. Signed by MARTIN VAN BUREN, GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK April 1832 - Friday, August 21, 1998 at 13:18:55 (EDT) damn steve they killed your account quick thanks to bn for doing his part to keep the email flowing sorry to anyone it bounced for that should be corrected in an hour or so BTW steve if ya got a new one i need to know where to redirect ego@SiDominion.com ;) - Friday, August 21, 1998 at 12:12:50 (EDT) this is where I've been spending my thursday nights.... was there last night yawn but it's getting lame.... let me tell ya same old crap, too few good songs - Friday, August 21, 1998 at 09:36:07 (EDT) This is a very very attractive woman.... what can i say? some people are stunning - Thursday, August 20, 1998 at 13:53:07 (EDT) Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens. - Wednesday, August 19, 1998 at 15:14:36 (EDT) grrrr fuck gawd damn state government complacency if my name is going to be on something i want it ot have an ounce of quality when i'm given a .gif image and told they want it 200% larger my response is "where is the file you made the gif with?" "that's all we have" "but it's going to look like crap, no matter what i do" "that's ok" NO IT FUCKING IS NOT!!!! but they don't care, quality means nothing here, it pisses me off! - Wednesday, August 19, 1998 at 12:21:34 (EDT) ha.... I just got added to open pages... how long ago did i put that application in? oh well sure, whatever hi, and welcome... - Wednesday, August 19, 1998 at 08:21:51 (EDT) bovine boy just did something really nice i've been havin a shitty mornin thieving vending machines and bad syquest products he was listening to me bitch which i do often and he asked if i wanted any food 'cuz he was going out i figured a couple cheap burgers would do the job since the vending moster yielded no goods i handed him a couple bucks but when he walked away he dropped the money back in my bag i protested a bit but damn, i went to college, i learned never to shun free food nonetheless it was really nice thanks man..... - Tuesday, August 18, 1998 at 13:58:14 (EDT) http://www.interfacemagazine.com/ go there get their magazine give them support because i got my first issue tonight and really love it and because i said so!!! - Tuesday, August 18, 1998 at 00:39:39 (EDT) bovine boy at work showed me this can't really check it out here at work but it looks weird enough to justify a link - Monday, August 17, 1998 at 14:50:55 (EDT) Advertising The Martin Agency seeks an Interactive Designer to work in their Interactive Department. Ideal candidate must be a conceptual thinker. At least 1 year experience with Netscape & Inter net Explorer. Proficient in HTML, Photoshop, Illustrator, Quark, GIF builder (Animation software) and other related software. Knowledge of UNIX and Windows-NT. Experience with HTML integration issues that affect multiple browswes re quired. Please fax resume and salary requirements to..... as soon as i read that i rushed to fax them my resume in my haste i spelled ad "add" and included http://support.infi.net/apps/net/commail.shtml which is a dead link damn and i really, really, really wanted that job to guess i learn the hard way that being too quick does not pay - Sunday, August 16, 1998 at 17:11:40 (EDT) lindsay signed my guestbook her page has some info that made me laugh my ass off, sure it's disturbing, but most things that i find funny are.... - Saturday, August 15, 1998 at 15:03:13 (EDT) Cloei's web page is kinda weird it's like a DIY porn cam her "this is me" attitude is kinda cute but overall i am just reminded of an elly with worse spelling than me - Saturday, August 15, 1998 at 14:50:00 (EDT) an hour of sleep this mornin before work only 12:45 and I am dying it feels like it's been 3:59 for the past two hours drag drag drag how many smoke breaks can i take in one day? - Friday, August 14, 1998 at 12:45:00 (EDT) i'm captivated ---- mega geek! - Thursday, August 13, 1998 at 20:22:38 (EDT) drunk turkey - Wednesday, August 12, 1998 at 23:33:00 (EDT) i got to talk to tank last night on AIM bn was eating dinner and i was sitting at the helm when i heard the door open wave file play i was almost suprised to find out she is actually pretty nice went to look at the page again and laughed my ass of even more suprising is that she is coming to richmond this very weekend small world well anyway... she was nice, i dug that work is demanding.... but i impressed 'em today that felt kinda good me and my photoshop skills never disapoint spelling on the other hand.... ;) - Tuesday, August 11, 1998 at 15:21:32 (EDT) damn it.... my mind is a real piece of work let me tell ya actually i won't i've done so much listening i find it hard to open up myself mainly because i don't want to make someone else feel the way all my "friends" make me feel their pain becomes my pain i can not help it but i won't do it to someone else i've talked to nobody about exactly how suicidal i've been how close i came to stealing my fathers pistol this weekend i mentioned it to the person who currently knows me best told him how every night before i sleep i think of escape but i beat around the bush mostly mexico or a bullet both just answers to what seems a hopeless situation my life is in finacial ruin too many bills not enough income my physical desires are raging tormenting me as i watch others embrace my emotional hell the need to love with nobody even willing to entertain the idea of recieving disatisfaction with what it seems i have chosen as a career being forced to compramise one's vision and ability for a job is a nightmare constanly giving myself to others being too kind to ask for anything in return it's all been too much relentless i gasp for air but only get water friday i skipped work thursday an all night talk with a little bird her heart full of panic on forced departure without sleep i made plans for a late arrival to work with shaving cream on my face and in my underwear the landlord's thugs arrived harrased me for past due payments i emptied my bank account to satisfy them absolutely empty after that devestation i escaped back to the beach for the weekend celebrating the success of an old friend Bacchus Dagodevas moving to the big apple it was this eve at his celebration that i found my salvation suprising, but not so much, it came from the most unexpected of places Geneva was the reason Silicon Dominion came into being and tonight i can say she is a big part of why it will continue she has known pain, and she knows how to relate she listens and converses and she will fuck you up if you don't be honest with her no sugar coating how you feel a response like "things are alright" just won't cut it she let me tell her everything (a brief version at least) and responded with shared tales no words of encouragement really, just understanding the fact that she was there to listen and not in the depths of Richmond squalor (she is from here) that was encouragment enough, and she's smart enough to know it she is a good person, i am lucky to know that for some reason she figured i am worthy, and it's one of the biggest honors i have ever known the friendship of someone who is sometimes seen as unfriendly that's a friendship with value ok.... i can't dwell on it anymore tonight sleep now for a 5:30am wakeup but one last thing i've been looking at my web stats and i've noticed that there are some regulars i really want to thank each of you and i'd really like if anyone who visits these pages more than once a week signs the guestbook it would be very nice and also would give my ego a much needed boost ;) - Monday, August 10, 1998 at 01:04:59 (EDT) maybe if people listen to what other people have to say about them instead of trying to have some kind of "you don't understand me" comeback their lives would be a little less stressfull if you always try and read between the lines you often miss the point people are stupid everyone is stupid especially the people who bother to care about people that only hurt them - Saturday, August 08, 1998 at 17:38:29 (EDT) it's a shitty fucking day they just don't get it - Friday, August 07, 1998 at 15:04:20 (EDT) ok i may have gotten some of the details wrong but check out the cool pictures! - Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 17:30:58 (EDT) it was a bad day to be a driver in Richmond this morning something like 6 people died in three seperate accidents one falls into the "ain't that a bitch" catagory a tractor trailer ran up onto the guard-rail on a bridge that passes over the James River one car became entangled in the wreck the two people inside the car survived the impact with the truck but the trailer clipped an overhead interstate sign it broke off and fell on to the car, crushing it flat as a pancake the driver of the truck survived as well but when he opened up the cab to step out he obviously forgot his truck was perched on the guard-rail he stepped off into thin air and fell several hundred feet into the river btw, i got my new job it's at the Dept of Transportation which means i'm privy to interesting details the typical public doesn't hear neat huh? - Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 17:24:01 (EDT) in the middle of the night just slip away a little before dawn one last bang pulling, prying, tearing away into release from bonds of nothingness a heart so big full of empty space caring so much for everyone that walks this path a heart so large is destined to be a lonely soul unsatisfied in a cold bed chilled long enough warmth has been forgotten a question did it ever exist at all mind full of dreams creative desire flesh in need of shelter compramise selling the dream clamp down the spirit in order to survive disatisfied in the end it brings the end escape from nothing to be free of being empty a foolish notion that perhaps the dead or forgotten somehow find fullfillment push out the clouds from around these eyes all misty with dreams sacred shelter in your desired embrace whisper me a song little bird who stole her name across the vast seas i perch with you in the treetops where we breath take you in talk of him in english tone sarcastic verses i against the sleeper a wall between my only path to you squeezed together to better hear in comfort you tell me what you fear a wish for you to make us if only my embrace could provide you safety sacred place all hope lost options exhausted your future preordained in lies and misguided love a bird in a cage no bird at all your feathers clipped returned in silver freedom lost so i can have mine at cost of servitude no place for you a thousand gifts i'd offer only to know what to do how to provide salvation from what you will become shipped away in preparation lost reborn forgotten changed distorted there is something in your eyes i lay awake with hopes it won't be lost the breeze of our skies blowing into the streams flowing into rivers the motion never ceases what has begun can not be changed now inevitible conclusion i whisper softly on your cheek an idea, a thought for now until then could it be possibly maybe take your hand in mine passing glances growing to deepened stares this is my heart open to you this is not love no time for it my feeling a deeper channel stronger than a friend more trusted than a lover let me be yours for now until then that comes too quick time too short to let it pass like it is now cherish it never will it be like this again let me fill that longing for now a brief time maybe not a prize can not offer you the bright feathers but the song in my chest i will sing for you so loud you will feel it ripping from my heart so that it may lift you up in a nest built of twigs of joy, laughter, happiness a fragile work i build for you little bird until you spread your wings to fly sitting on this perch next to you do i dare lean forward smell your skin feel the tender touch of delicate lips - Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 01:38:56 (EDT) all thw windows are open a cool pre-fall breeze is blowing in i can hear the noises of the outside it's perfect weather in the cd player, on random: sinead o'conner, beth orton, mary lou lord, suzanne vega, & concrete blond feelin miserable it's a deep down misery not showin on the surface but right now i really want one of two things a boat to live i can on somewhere off the coast of mexico or a loaded shotgun i'm manic hope a shrink never reads this site but padding would be nice just white nothing to think about nothing to feel - Wednesday, August 05, 1998 at 18:41:06 (EDT) happy birtday ly sorry i forgot thanks for reminding me thanks for bein such a sweetie! - Tuesday, August 04, 1998 at 23:44:56 (EDT) lookie - Tuesday, August 04, 1998 at 10:11:35 (EDT) reason i HATE living on the east coast of the united states: employeers here are convinced there is some advantage to being at work at 7am fuk that there is no advantage to a web page written at 2pm versus the crack of dawn and another thing: expecting 10 hour days that's some bullshit i don't mind doing it but expecting it is a whole other matter all together ideally i'm a 10 to 6 type 9 to 5 is fine though, as that is what i consider standard and i don't mind being at work until 8 at night, i'm an evening type guy but 7am to 5pm, maybe later, that's insane grrrrr yawn and today my car is in the shop so i gotta ride public transit to and from work which means a 5:30am wake up call damn this shit to hell i grew up in a military town if i wanted this i would have let some moron shave my head a long time ago may as well smash my nuts with a sledgehammer and be a monk crap, crap, crap yawn second freakin day at this job and i hate it already great, just fukin great - Tuesday, August 04, 1998 at 06:14:47 (EDT) damnit bn there is giz all over the mouse! kant even click cuz my fingers slide off gross d00d - Monday, August 03, 1998 at 17:05:12 (EDT) she is amazing! a piece of living art! in a few hours i start a new job wish i could kick this flu stuff my breathing is difficult wish i had done laundry - Sunday, August 02, 1998 at 23:41:40 (EDT) still ill recovering is sometimes worse than the illness blah, sigh, cough - Thursday, July 30, 1998 at 22:57:30 (EDT) fever so very ill i'm freezing and starving but it takes so much effort to aquire food but i must or i shall never heal - Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 21:14:48 (EDT) today i find myself @ home sick flu/cold type sore throat/congestion thing cramps... but that prolly has more to do with my bad eating habits my digestive system is a nightmare speaking of the dreaming a bit of inspiration from art i'm feeling ill, but motivated... i predict something will happen but maybe some music first Bowie's outside seems appropriate - Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 11:36:28 (EDT) i've got blisters on my fingertips casualty of learning an instrument but someday i'll be able to play a ditty today at work i train my replacement she finds herself a bit overwhelmed but she will do ok if she can learn the PC interview today too wish me luck - Monday, July 27, 1998 at 12:28:08 (EDT) holy cow what a great day more on it later.... right now i gotta rush out the door to CVille to see Bn play then off to the beach for the weekend to visit my 'rents but man o man I am stoked what an amazing day!!!!! - Friday, July 24, 1998 at 19:11:28 (EDT) whackos! - Friday, July 24, 1998 at 16:38:04 (EDT) sometimes on the net you can read some stuff that scares the shit out of you with a little follow up research i realized the horror it seems all mamillian life, particularly meat eaters, are on a course of slow decay over time we are gradully passing on a tendency towards this shortcoming really really creepy even the most basic observation would show that each generation faces a growing risk you are what you eat never sounded so true but maybe this could also be the key to preventing disease and making us stronger organisms i am curious if any research is being done to counter this trend? - Friday, July 24, 1998 at 16:09:06 (EDT) i bought the cure album "show" recently and, bn is gonna love this, i really really like it listening to it right now spiderman is having me for dinner tonight.... - Thursday, July 23, 1998 at 18:28:08 (EDT) wow ok so maybe not all webrings are bad Private Parts has a premise i can relate to, even though most of the links are dead but as you can see if you follow the wow link there are some real gems to be found - Thursday, July 23, 1998 at 13:39:58 (EDT) you know what? web rings are fucking bullshit! some elitist crap telling me how I have to be i mean read this shit going on and on how someone has to be this and that they are on freakin geoshitties... how "kewl" is that???? want a web ring for guys? well suck my dick and maybe i'll let you include my site gawd damn jerks if the people that join these things were worthwhile in the slighteset then they would not be part of such an elitist group it is like web frats or sumthin ugh ok.... i'm done now - Thursday, July 23, 1998 at 13:07:09 (EDT) i talked to him all day monday, wanna see? - Thursday, July 23, 1998 at 10:19:57 (EDT)  we will miss you Al - Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 15:00:56 (EDT) hi brian, i did buy a low CD, sumthin about songs for dead pilots or something like that have not had the chance to sit and dwell on it yet though, but i like what i have heard so far thanks for signin the guestbook and you make me sick with envy i was only able to spend a dozen or so days with her and that was six years ago now.... but september is coming and cooler, dryer places may be too - Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 11:44:43 (EDT) it's so damned hot bored out of my mind i feel so lazy the work situation looks grim i feel like if i lay down and don't concentrate i'll just fade away this is the type of place where a guy could just die bn is writing down his set list for his big gig on friday night he's gonna be playing with a friend of his that has a big record deal she apparently is really nice i look forward to meeting her the gus will prolly be there too so that could prove interesting hera has an obsession with number 41 each month it is mentioned i called her tonight but she was not home think i confused her roomie maybe it's not so hot in oregon? perhaps i could breathe there i discovered recently that i have an adversion to pyromaniacs not much respect for them even when i try so hard to clue them in as to how they should act to get what they want still she ignores reason and better judgment so she gets the meat treatment, i creep her out i don't really care, the gurls always see me as a nice guy or a weirdo anyway so fuck 'em actually i'd like too really horny lately, and lacking of much emotion been listening too much, a shoulder for feminine troubles it is so easy to think i can drown my pain and frustration in erotic pleasure damn..... bn is rehearsing he writes such good songs, makes a boi wanna cry and the fact that he is sitting there singing and playing unaware that i am writing of him now so honest, sincere i wish my words could inspire a song i've often thought how nice it would be to write a song something like: finding pathways in daytripped dizzy delirum a snake has wrapped around a bird coils constricting in suffocating bliss flashing flicker shadow shrouded mystical enchantment seduction of rare pearls desired of all the swimmers in our sea washed up on the shore, so many shells emptied of living cargo deafening echos of beauty placed in procession gathered around a boy's sleeping body dreamer tossing turning away again at persistance in the rings of bells cries of desire deafening echos of beauty or something like that i try to work out how to sing it in my head too bad i don't play i envy that lydia, bn, even puce music is so perfect don't ever forget that, regardless of anything else you three exist in perfection for that alone goodnight - Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 00:03:17 (EDT) last night i strolled up to the local sev after being a vegetable all day bought some cigs, b&j, and a nantucket nectar damn i hate softpacks when i got home the liquid was gone and the ice cream had reached "not gonna bend the spoon" status but i was bored of the computer, so i decided to watch a movie i am a member of an anime of the month club and subsequently have the starts of a nice collection for the past few months i have been without anything to view them on so i have a bit of a backlog there is one of note that i've been wanting to see the animation looks second rate but the story sounds interesting i dropped the video out of it's box, popped it in, and sat down with my pint (why do so many good things come in pints?) Barefoot Gen lit the screen i was numbed, horrified, angered, saddened did you feel the pain of Schindler's List? then maybe you want to stay clear of this one after that i headed for bed... too bad 1:30am was greeted by a phone call and a visit by a pyromaniac she did not leave until 4am yawn something funny i heard this weekend when talking to a female friend about a recent three person sexual encounter she had, she told me of how she had to call her female friend out after all was said and done "you see" she explained to me "you guys may not be able to tell when a woman is faking it" she paused to take a drag off her cig "but another woman can tell without a second thought" good point damn that turned me on too bad she trusted me with information like that 'cuz people never fuck the ones they trust - Monday, July 20, 1998 at 15:38:18 (EDT) "In addition to hearing a report from the State Statistician, the Board will consider the adoption of documents concerning Pseudorabies regulation and shooting enclosure regulation." damn my job is neat ........sigh - Monday, July 20, 1998 at 12:25:46 (EDT) now that is some stew observation: my body is not fond of peanuts. just does not deal with them at all - Monday, July 20, 1998 at 11:51:40 (EDT) last night was cool crazy, long and cool made a new friend my first impression of her was less than favorable but i should not have judged that book by it's cover she has some really great stories i've been awake way too long and a hello to Sarah (Japan) see you in oregon - Sunday, July 19, 1998 at 12:32:01 (EDT) hmmmm what's this? - Friday, July 17, 1998 at 21:57:51 (EDT) i'm not normally one to be out promoting pictures of naked people but there is something about this girl i found myself looking at the images not for the erotic but instead i wanted to see the vibe she was giving off her look cuddling puppies glowing behind the bar she is captivating so go look i suspect you will find yourself looking at image after image too - Friday, July 17, 1998 at 20:31:34 (EDT) so let's see a week - a blur friday you read about saturday had well laid plans an event at artspace, a performance art piece done by a VCU proff sounded great, and my RPAC friends wanted to make a night of it matt has a friend, she is new to richmond, he plans to get us together she was going to join us i was running late as usual so i told them i would just meet them at the place we planned to have pre-show dinner i got there and they were no where to be found i waited, drank, waited, ordered, waited, ate, waited as i pushed the last pieces around my plate the hostess brought me a phone seemed this bling date had not shown, so they were waiting and would meet me at the show ok i headed over there and watched what can best be described as "eh" people moving about, there was no planning, no concept, and it showed no message, just an exercise in pretention and annoyance welcome to the art world wade but the artspace folks were well met, good people we gathered post show to grub up i being full watched them eat the blind date never showed i was informed of another artspace happening monday eve sunday was nothing, just vegetation monday held big plans i skipped work with the idea of collecting on the payoff for my wrecked car that was the intent anyway night fell and i had not accomplished that but art thingz were a callin i showed up to be confronted by some sort of musically electronic deviation at some point what they were playing was dance music, techno but in the dark alleys of these musician's heads the music took a turn a step away from anything danceable it was the right equipment for the job but the viewer could only stand and become numb this was chaos it was great i watched as LSR gouged CDs with a screwdriver then he would play them and build soundscapes around the resulting noise it was fascinating, and breathtaking their music drained me after four hours of just standing and watching i was exhausted hmmmmmm i'm really tired right now i just danced my ass off at the gofik night it was amazing 'cuz it was mostly industrial got to dance to pigface, revco, and skinny puppy all in the same night hell yeah SO, i'll finish the tale of monday eve and tuesday later cheeerio - Friday, July 17, 1998 at 03:00:38 (EDT) i have a new curriculum vitae online go take a look there are also two older versions the oldest and the not sold old it's kinda neat to look at the way i have promoted myself in the past i'm getting better at this now i just gotta get work - Thursday, July 16, 1998 at 16:17:47 (EDT) darn i almost forgot i wrote something kinda big for bud.com this weekend here it is: The Geek Farm - Wednesday, July 15, 1998 at 12:49:24 (EDT) shit, i found out not long ago that a week from monday VDACS plans to end my contract i was originally told 6 months that would have been Sept 1 but now i'm gonna slack off like a mo-fo fuk 'em as long as i get paid i'm kewl - Wednesday, July 15, 1998 at 12:42:01 (EDT) HELL YEAH - Tuesday, July 14, 1998 at 17:22:06 (EDT) something grim for you on 4-8-94 Cobain, Kurt Donald (W-M-dob 2/20/67) was wearing a shirt by this band in case you wanted to know - Tuesday, July 14, 1998 at 14:31:28 (EDT) i like this i feel bad i'm starting to put links i find at bud_dot_komm here but it's good stuff i hope you are reading it cuz he puts my crap up there too - Monday, July 13, 1998 at 18:30:10 (EDT) whoa hey M.R. a little angry there are we not? it does indeed take two to tango and she is going to end up alone again because of her choice prolly better for all parties involved but it took some hurtin to get to this point i'm not really sure what to do with this guy  and i'm not sure he knows either but we are back where we were just waiting for me to blow up again sigh at least we give you ppl sumthin to read - Monday, July 13, 1998 at 18:17:54 (EDT) took the day off from werk to fart around the house going to write something for bud.com and a proposal for a Non-Profit org that i would like to start recently I have made some contacts to that end RPAC and ArtSpace, one for performers, the other a gallery both non-profits, i figure they may be interested in helping me get started i'm planning on helping them, making web pages and such i've already done flyers for RPAC it's a good relationship talking to some folks at ArtSpace made me realize that maybe digital artist could use a home it's been a long term dream of mine more on that later - Monday, July 13, 1998 at 12:17:33 (EDT) I just saw the movie Metropolis for the first time it was screened at Richmond's Byrd Theatre since it is a silent movie a live band played the score, they included the original pipe organ that is still part of the Byrd it was amazing probably one of the most visually stimulating experiences I have had in the past few years i have an uncontrolable to create now Skinny Puppy in the CD player, PhotoShop calling me i'll post some images later and i am not the only one amazed by the film two scenes were copied almost exactly in the film The Fith Element think "re-animation chamber" and the "singing diva" - Saturday, July 11, 1998 at 02:32:57 (EDT) gawd damn i thought i was a good designer but Derek Powazek is REALLY good his work kinda makes me feel inadequate - Friday, July 10, 1998 at 15:32:19 (EDT) a couple of sound bytes: -sometimes it is best not to read between the lines of a one line statement- -my life is an imitation of art- examples of byte 1: i love you i like to dress as a woman i hate you i wish you were dead ... the proper response to all four is to say "ok" and walk away example of byte 2: um... you are reading it dumb ass and btw art does not imitate crap, it's just art, deal with it - Friday, July 10, 1998 at 14:00:40 (EDT) ok so I lied, i did go and goff out HE was not there, so there was no drama i got a groove on the dj even played some Skinny Puppy, but she sucks because she cut the song short the CVille contingent was in the house too they are not people of the gus instead i am refering to the sweetheart Andy Dean who sings for the gofik band Bella Morte he has to be one of the nicest people i have ever met i feel like he would do anything for anybody, his heart must be the size of texas! anyway there was a real cutie there she did not dance much but we kept making eye contact by the end of the night i finally got up the nerve to go up and mumble out a hello i was all shy and coy and dumb her name is Kahrin (phonetic spelling) and she is from CVille too small freakin world she had to head back there tonight but said she looked forward to seeing me next week neato -insert dumb boyish grin w/ dragging the toe of my right foot on the ground- maybe next time i won't be such a "um, hi, um, you are really pretty, um, my name is wade, um," little shhepish smile and stare at the floor sigh followed up dancing with the ceremonial visit to the all night 3rd street diner listened to a crazy old homeless guy with one tooth talk to me about fashion he was trying to sell me some hot pink pants....??? weirdness but Kara the waitress came over and took her break with me she is so super dooper kool i'd kill to date a girl like her i'd devote my life to making sure she is happy and giggly as much as she could possibly want not that she is the giggly type, but i'm just sayin i could luff a gurl like her! i'm being pretty hard up i guess recent drama has put the idea of a special someone foremost in my mind sigh double deep big honkin sigh ok remember Parker Lewis? syncronize swatches thank you, and goodnight - Friday, July 10, 1998 at 03:31:44 (EDT) this about sums it up - Thursday, July 09, 1998 at 23:27:04 (EDT) Ich möchte gern dein Herr sein. - Thursday, July 09, 1998 at 22:01:59 (EDT) hot as hell out tonight tired am i no damned goffs this eve shrug no big loss really - Thursday, July 09, 1998 at 21:52:47 (EDT) Subject: hello Date: Wed, 8 Jul 1998 12:42:51 -0700 (PDT) From: !!*p u c e*!! To: alektraunic@sidominion.com talking to justin right now... told him a little about you...now cause i was talking about how weird it is, he's gonna quote me talking about gus... woo hoo..heh... oh yah..and he wants screencaps of me doing cuseeme stuff...nicely cropped that is...so he can possibly do some kind of creative piece..hahah.. idunno... he's a cutie...glad he linked you? that's cool :) puce -puce, dahlin, you rawk, you can call me anytime!- - Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 15:45:41 (EDT) HOLY FREAKIN COW!!!!! hey bn remember when i said SiD was gonna be mentioned on a major site sometime in the next two months? well go look at http://www.bud.com/ Justin is tha man! i knew if i oogled over him long enough..... i feel obligated now this weekend i'll write him sumthin for bud.com and if you are reading this you write something too! listening to '80s tunes from Radio Free Underground they are playing The Glove um, that's gotta be Bob woooewwwwooooeeeaaaaaoooow - Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 13:00:21 (EDT) at puce's request a clarification: the lydia that is the focus of the current war being waged here does not live in oregon she is very much here in the flesh to be seen, smelled, and for some fortunate few tasted - Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 00:08:13 (EDT) hey fanboy wanna see piktrz of your favorite musician??? or maybe you should just celebrate fucking christmas in july! - Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 19:34:05 (EDT) just my fucking luck!!!!! the BuzzRadio.com website lists: Thu, 7/9 pigface FLOOD ZONE on it's concert page.... The floodzone has no advertisements for this..... I would love for it to be true. What exactly is going on here? Alek Traunic Subject:Re: Web Feedback Date: Tue, 7 Jul 1998 19:00:39 EDT From: InvisiHQ@aol.com To: alektraunic@SiDominion.com It is not true. Sorry. The Lowest of the Low tour with Pigface, FM Einheit, Scorn, Dead Voices on Air, Not Breathing, Bagman and Phylr ended on April 12. No other dates are scheduled at this time. The new Pigface remix album, Below the Belt, featuring remixes by Justin Broadrick of Godflesh, Tranquility Bass, Scanner and Mick Harris among others is out now. If you need any further info, please let me know. Take Care, David - Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 19:13:27 (EDT) i was surfin about and ended up here but made a coo sound when i found this - Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 17:42:51 (EDT) The Power Station - Bang a Gong does it get any better than this? and btw FUCK YOU YAHOO! the bastards took the links to other search engines off their results pages! that was my favorite part about their site! - Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 17:40:01 (EDT) Thu, 7/9 pigface FLOOD ZONE damn i had the wrong date.... - Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 15:59:27 (EDT) btw, i don't care about her she is yours, now and forever she reeks of your urine attraction? i never got a chance to explore that avenue i confided in you my interest which you soon assumed take, take, take "i would not have invited her up" i did if you feel the whole world is yours how can you feel bad for taking anything you see? i do not see the world as mine i see myself as part of it i lay myself open for passerbyes to see take what you will leave something in return the basket of my soul if feeling quite empty goods taken but not replaced how can someone become so convinced that they are needed? does he forget...? the happiest i have been in months is when i thought he was gone for good i don't need you stop trying to convince me i do it's annoying like a bad rash yes, i interact with you when you are here integrate you into my life since i can not escape your presence but i'm not attached when you are gone i will not miss you not like I miss Jeff, Jon, and even Steve i trust them ........ work called meetings and such lost my train of thought oh well this is just entertainment anyway thinking about it... i could not write pages this good from scratch if I tried wooohoooo web drama - Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 15:47:51 (EDT) if given the choice would you share the limelight or keep the glory for yourself? - Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 13:21:26 (EDT) benjamin - Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 13:14:26 (EDT) remember Midnight Oil? the Dead Heart... we don't serve your country, don't serve your king that was 1987 over ten years ago now amazing, i remeber dancing in my bedroom while that song blared on the radio life keeps on trukin - Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 12:50:01 (EDT) i go on so much about how i like to be alone i guess it should come as no suprise then when i find myself feeling uninvited "you should have just come, i did not know" the expected answers i'm not one to impose oh well even the isolationist feels lonely when he gets geared up for an evening of activity but early bed tonight may be in my favor pigface comes to town tomorrow night and none of these fuckers are invited! - Monday, July 06, 1998 at 22:44:37 (EDT) a little story for you... i once lived in Savannah, Georgia i went to college there holding great aspirations of being an artist of video and computer animation remember "Jurassic Park"...? I wanted to do stuff like that but i met a girl and for the first time in my life i was with someone who said she wanted to be with me too i was 17, young, and she said what i needed to hear "when i first saw you i wanted to be with you" i have not heard that since i wanted to be with her constantly for the most part i was which meant i was not at school and i failed most of my classes our relationship started a week after valentines two months later it was over it ended with a fight i left in a rage before we spoke again she went home for the weekend saw her old boyfriend, and they decided they should live together that summer when she returned that was it i was out, he was in no closure for me just over i fell in to a tailspin my schoolwork was bad with her it was ten times worse without her but i thought that maybe if i pushed myself maybe if i stayed the summer and took classes then i would be alright i began to recover i even saw her a few times as the school year ended everyone was moving to new apartments for the summer she asked my help, and why not, we were friends right? ...the first night we slept together at my place the second at hers but as we pulled off each others clothes he called to make sure everything was prepared for his arival in three days she did not make me leave but that sleep was worse than any nightmare i have ever had all the recovering I had done was gone there was nothing that meant anything to me and she still wanted to be friends i would torture myself she posed for my studies for life drawing in retrospect she was probably taking pity on me letting me view in detail that which was no longer mine to touch to escape it i had taken in with the deviants their understanding of the pleasures of pain appealed to me and emotionless sexual exploration one of them took a liking to me in the wee hours of the morning exactly five years ago we had vary bad sex but i was hers then a subject for verbal abuse and giver of blind affection i remeber how she demanded i make noises when we fucked even if i faked them still making me ill at the thought of how much i hated it but i needed someone could not stand to be alone because alone I would have thought of my first love one eve we foolishly decided to go out and pick up another couple to swing we only found a guy i knew we came back to my place to hang out sitting on the balcony smoking and drinking i went inside to show him some of my art they never joined me as i went to find them i heard the moaning coming from my roomates bedroom my roomate that was out of town i stood for a while and watched, in shock when they were through she cleaned herself i went in the bathroom to join her but she would not let me touch her she said she would feel dirty i slapped her she left with him a few days later i left Savannah my parents promised i could return in the fall september came and went they told me i had lost their faith so i pawned everything i had of value and caught a bus i had no plan just Rollins Band - The End Of Silence spent some time on the street sleeping on a bench outside the apartment of first love school friends hid me in the closets at the video department finally an old dormmate let me stay in a room he had it was a place he was planning to rent out but i assured him i would get a job and help with the rent much of the remaining time was a blur sex, drug users, vampires, coffee, near death experiences, shitty short lived jobs, theft, bondage, dirt, hair dye it's amazing how college towns have that hidden sub-culture the underbelly of ex-students the amazing ability they have to survive on no money clinging to each other stealing life from any place they can i remember walking thirty blocks at six am to a friends house her door was unlocked a dozen people were laying about sleeping incense burning nick cave looping on the stereo i drank a bottle of her JD smoked a pack of her cloves filled her bathroom with my vomit all this living i was doing i did for free i never paid rent to my friend, host to the homeless i ate his food kept him up late at night with music and visitors "it's my life" i said too many times but he was too kind, foolish, to kick me out one evening i even attempted to make some quick cash out of guilt i headed to bull street a place known for it's young male prostitutes a lexus stopped and picked me up the man was sweaty he stopped at one point to get my payment out of the trunk a bag full of poppers he explained how he had spent all his cash on them but figured i would accept some as payment for my services when the car stopped i ran harder and faster than i could have imagined desperation can push a person to the limit my friend, my host, left for the holidays, trusting me to attend to his bills thanksgiving came and i was sitting in that one room rotting food strewn about a full cat litter box the only thing to eat was half a box of dry grape nuts i should have been addicted to heroin it would have been more appropriate a week later i left Savannah again no goodbyes no responsibilities a month later my host tracked me down he had returned from vacation to find all his utilities turned off his credit ruined and 800 dollars in debt i had nothing to offer him he could only be satisfied with knowing he had told me how much i had let him down how i had made him feel like an idiot for ever trusting me Jim, I am sorry i really really am i will never forget what you did for me someday i will find you put your years of schooling as an architect to use pay you way too much money to build me a house Jim was a trusted person a good person to know him was to be his friend screwing him over lost all my friends there to me they sided with him as they rightfully should have i left that place behind because i want better for myself i want to work toward my own success i will not allow it to happen again or to be done to me i can not allow myself to tolerate what i was "it is my life" those are the words of someone with no concern for anyone but themselves it was not my life, and it is not yours i must demand the trust and compassion that i did not show then the people in my life must be willing to hurt themselves as not to hurt me i expect nothing less from myself every day i dream of finding love, yet i would rather be alone than know the embrace of someone a friend is interested in - and do not apologize, no amount of bellyaching can change what has been done - - i hope things go there natural course now - - i do not wish to change the present because of what has already happened - you do not understand me you are not helping me i am not learning anything from you that i have not already taught myself - Monday, July 06, 1998 at 21:18:16 (EDT)     
- Monday, July 06, 1998 at 21:14:59 (EDT) http://www.bud.com/ shit after all this time I still have Justin envy - Monday, July 06, 1998 at 15:59:04 (EDT) http://www.urbanlegends.com/ - Sunday, July 05, 1998 at 20:42:36 (EDT) you should not think you have it all figured out you don't Rollins Band - The End Of Silence you should give it a listen i want the alone because some people are better left that way i am trivial and foolish an emotional wasteland that dwells so much on what can not be had that is my destiny in love to not have it to be empty i will not tell you because you will not hear draw your own conclusions she has heard us both thinks we do not understand each other obviously she is right years of practice have taught me how not to feel to be a void at times i stuggle with it but in the end i find it is still there my ability to not care - Sunday, July 05, 1998 at 12:59:40 (EDT) on my mind is "Is You 7?" Big Fat Jerk um... you will get that reference later i stepped out of daily record keeping, and now it's kinda hard to get back in drugs use 'em, enjoy 'em and there is a new place to create Justin "Funkin" Hall has made an open invitation for us to create for him shamelles self promotion is a current buzz werd 4 me i'll prolly send him some shit shit that he will never read but screw him and so what if i never finish an issue of SiD? seems i never get more than a quarter of the ideas i have for an issue actually working but that's ok, it's my damn online zine crap my pseudo-journal space my place to spell shit however i want if you don't like it go to someone elses page this place is mine and i rawk and you will like what i do because i told you to so there this weekend will be fun Puce have a safe trip and good summer, even if you did not call last night and and and nuthin - Wednesday, July 01, 1998 at 12:07:05 (EDT) |   |
