My body may be young, but my soul is very old
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I am very glad that it is now possible to provide a link to Rafael Chandler's website
ya see he is prolly the single individual most responsible for the person I am today
in those ficle years of high school we saw the world with different eyes
pupils dimmed by the smoke of decay
crusted nearly shut by the stupidity of our peers
they were happy times let me tell you
but if I DO tell you i'll have to punch you in the gut and steal your soul
have a nice day
and go visit his site and read everything there
cuz if you don't i'll have to do perverse thing to everyone in your family

- Friday, October 16, 1998 at 03:37:58 (EDT)
What enemies have I found?
In a home so remembered
Lost in sands that drift around your eyes
A secret we kept
For a thousand years
A lifetime past in a glance
A quiet whisper in a darkened room
To forget all the pain
Curled in a ball
As if a drifting ship
My sails full of dream
Listen now my child
This tale is yours
To keep us warm
I slipped away that rainy night
Never to smell that scent again
A lamppost help your form
A twinkle in a young boys mind
"Is that it"
He sang
A song of heavenly collision
A memory from a lost friend
It's significance rings in my heart tonight
"Let's get happy"
Another cord played

But I am you see
I am alone
With nothing to fear
But the return to sleep
A bed so cold
As it's always been
The monsters sleep with me no more

My machines are broken
Warped around flesh
In curling steel
A wire hanging that smothers the fresh taste
Taped cones and stacked music
These are my things
Cluttered in reflection
Of a soul that must be eclectic
A mess to be seen
But a home for me

Hello all my lost friends
The past creeps up out of a locked closet
Humor in how memory is gone
A vacant head
A misguided stare

So dirty
If we rest
We will wake fresh
On another day

- Monday, October 12, 1998 at 02:30:55 (EDT)
i love that the compliments always come from the people that identify themselves
and those that seek to "hurt my feelings" hide behind the safety of anonimity
i look forward to the day that someone thinks my work is crap and actually has the stuff to back up their point of view
"your site sucks" and then they leave their name and URL and i'm blown away
that would be a great day indeed
doubt it would happen though
funny thing is:
most people with talent don't waste time attacking other people
they must be too busy creating....

btw my spelling sucks... :)

- Sunday, October 11, 1998 at 23:24:56 (EDT)
i hate syquest!
their sparq drives are pieces of shit!!
i have 5 gigs of data sitting here lost
my entire backup of my machine before i upgraded it
and tonight the second sparq went belly up
a call to their techs revealed that bad drives make bad disks
something they failed to mention when they shipped me the replacement drive
which means the first drive made all of my disks bad
and they in turn ruined my second drive
so all the data is lost
and the only chance for recovery comes at $700 a disk
which means it's not going to happen
all my art... gone
all my files for SiD... gone
and my writing... gone
everything i've done since febuary 96... gone
not phisically gone, oh no
i have five pieces of plastic sitting here in front of me
taunting me
it's all there i'm sure
and i might be able to have another drive sent to me that could read it

i guess it could be good
cathartic is the word i think
but hell
what a waste
kinda hard to make a portfolio when all my art is gone
screwed, screwed, screwed
i don't want to do this for a while
maybe not ever again

- Tuesday, October 06, 1998 at 21:13:54 (EDT)
i made this for her
she's been the subject of some of my best work
i think i'll go visit soon

- Sunday, October 04, 1998 at 23:35:45 (EDT)
blub blub
drowning in slack

- Sunday, October 04, 1998 at 23:08:32 (EDT)
i just saw What Dreams May Come, the new Robin Williams movie
it reminded me of a few things
of how we can take things for granted
and how i have forgotten to stay focused
on something
on someone

live life the way you feel it in your heart
no matter the cost
if your soul leads you
it will be worth it

- Friday, October 02, 1998 at 23:38:35 (EDT)
welcome back hera aine
- Wednesday, September 23, 1998 at 08:41:31 (EDT)
have not been making time for comment
much is goin on
me, a foolish human
walking blindly into the past
not thinking of the emotional fallout
two years since i last saw her
that last night
when i told her how i had felt since we met
when i had been rejected
i could not cope with it then
and i hid from her for two years
but i wanted to see her
so i searched her out
and now
after only lunch
i'm swooning again
confused, but happy
overly distracted
why do we willingly walk into chaos?
possibly self-induced
but when we looked into each others eyes...
it was such a deep stare
things were hinted at
a hug that seemed so strong
and when we parted i could still smell her perfume on my shirt
that really got me
oh my
why is this happening again
why does it feel so good?

- Tuesday, September 22, 1998 at 10:52:15 (EDT)
but is that spoken (sung) from my lips or yours?
- Friday, September 18, 1998 at 13:53:07 (EDT)
"i'm fukin dyin ova here"
can i go home now?

- Friday, September 18, 1998 at 13:51:11 (EDT)
i work in a very conservative organization
and well, it's state government
so they are eating this presidential impeachment thing up
i have one comment and one question on the matter
if you for a second think that this investigation has anything to do with moral issues and not a purely political move then you need to wake the fuck up, it's just another case of classic mudslinging
and the question:
who would you rather have in charge; a man that would lie about a private (yes, disgracefull) act to protect his family and integrity or people who would lie about their motives for exposing such an act so that they could gain power and influence?
seems pretty simple to me
i mean look at our country... of which our president is a citizen of
we live in a place where divorce is more common than long marriages
should we expect this man that represents us to not be like us?
well that's a good one
but i sure as hell know i would rather have a guy after a little ass (show me one that's not!) in charge instead of some jerks that would do anything to make the other "party" look bad
those same jerks discredit the office and make the whole country look bad
they don't realize that people are just as unlikely now to trust and republican dickwad that they put in to replace clinton
thatz my rant
i wish the people here could read this
instead they are reading the starr report or whatever
prolly touchin themselves thinkin how bad it is that the president does

- Monday, September 14, 1998 at 15:30:53 (EDT)
and electronic music in richmond happens too
go listen

- Friday, September 11, 1998 at 15:27:42 (EDT)
music is coming to town
a gathering
dance, dance, dance

- Friday, September 11, 1998 at 15:26:30 (EDT)
go here NOW!!!!!
agree to all the terms
and listen
oh my gawd
just listen!

- Friday, September 11, 1998 at 11:39:39 (EDT)
Goth n 1: a crude uncouth ill-bred person lacking culture or refinement [syn: {peasant}, {barbarian}, {boor}, {churl}, {Goth}, {tyke}, {tike}] 2: one of the Teutonic people who invaded the Roman Empire in the 3rd to 5th centuries [syn: {Goth}]
- Thursday, September 10, 1998 at 18:47:22 (EDT)
eccentric adj 1: conspicuously or grossly unconventional or unusual; "restaurants of bizarre design--one like a hat, another like a rabbit"; "famed for his eccentric spelling"; "a freakish combination of styles"; "the outlandish clothes of teenagers"; "outre and affected stage antics" [syn: {bizarre}, {freakish}, {freaky}, {flaky}, {outlandish}, {outre}] 2: not having a common center; not concentric; "eccentric circles" [syn: {nonconcentric}] [ant: {concentric}] n 1: a person with an unusual or odd personality [syn: {eccentric person}, {oddball}, {geek}] 2: a person of a specified kind (usually with many eccentricities); "a strange character"; "a friendly eccentric"; "the capable type"; "a mental case" [syn: {character}, {type}, {case}]
- Thursday, September 10, 1998 at 18:43:14 (EDT)
i wanna go to this show tonight
but it's in DC
and i'd have to go alone
and be back for work tomorrow
shit shit shit

- Thursday, September 10, 1998 at 12:41:22 (EDT)
a great talent is lost
- Thursday, September 10, 1998 at 12:12:42 (EDT)
you make me squishy

- Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 18:09:52 (EDT)
just bought two CDs
Catherine Wheel Ferment
basically because i kant get "black metallic" out of my head
Diamamnda Galas malediction and prayer
because i'm hooked

- Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 17:51:53 (EDT)
i had never heard Robyn Hitchcock's Yip Song before right now
it made me chuckle

- Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 12:22:18 (EDT)
so i have to call bullshit on myself
this morning the air was cool and crisp
a lawn on the way in had been freshly cut
and I love the smell of fresh cut grass
and something else too
i was thinking of coming to work early because i was awake
my ICQ beeped in with someone coming online
it was 6:30am my time
7:30 pm hers
so i made a long LONG distance call
and a voice from japan raised my spirits
there is no way this day can be bad now

of all the people that know me
sarah is probably the only one
that does not think i spend most of my time angry or depressed
we laughed and sighed
she made me blush
i felt 12
"10" she corrected
it's more innocent
the past is bad most times
but some people make remembering worth it

- Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 09:37:05 (EDT)
don't ask me to explain
i am just really enjoying Andrew Bain's web site this morning
my alarm goes off in 4 minutes
i shoulda gone back to bed a while ago
this day is gonna suck

- Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 06:16:07 (EDT)
after i got back from being in the open air
(quite a trek too, but i don't feel like talkin about it now)
i feel directly asleep
which meant i woke up at 4:30 am
bored out of my mind
somehow i ended up at the Diary Registry
i began to realize how much other peoples lives suck
i mean i was closing windows so fast my mousepad was meltin
but i had to check the other ones in Virginia
for some reason i seem to be more tolerant of local "talent"
i like vitameatavegamin for no particular reason
and Andrew Bain made me laugh
so i think I'm goin back to bed now
oh, and i think bn is dead
he was supposed to get his stuff tonight
but i have not heard from him at all
and he was supposed to go to DC Monday for a concert

- Wednesday, September 09, 1998 at 05:59:54 (EDT)
amazing weather outside
no time for a journal when i can be outside!

- Tuesday, September 08, 1998 at 17:17:18 (EDT)
it is commonly known amongst the people close to me (mostly this means bn)
that i am no big fan of music that is considered "gothic"
tonight i add an exception to that statement
i recieved a flyer in the mail from the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts
it advertised a series of performances
which you will see if you follow that link
at the top there was a name that seemed familiar
Diamanda Galás
i realize now that i had heard her voice before
she has worked with fm einheit
a name any industro-boi's ears should perk up to
well, before i realized this i had shuffled down to the local music store and made a purchase
The Divine Punishment & Saint of the Pit
a single CD that collects these two previous works
painfull and stunning
if you like music that rips your guts out and shows 'em to you
all with a four octave vocal range
well this is for you
and you can count on me seeing her perfomance!

- Tuesday, September 08, 1998 at 00:19:40 (EDT)
that's my name
- Monday, September 07, 1998 at 00:52:20 (EDT)
it's late
i should really get to bed
this is the bad time
when the mind takes the soul to painfull places
i just caught up with puce
since the new job she's the only online person i dedicate time to
read one of her longest most honest entries in a while
she's good
makes me think
even though she's a gurl, from the west coast
completely different world
i related to what i read
i remember the being alone in a group of friends
the pining away
three years of my life
christine bellman was her name
she considered me a close friend
inside i wanted to be so much more
but i never spoke it
i was always the sucker for a hard luck story
after chrissy it was always the puppy dog
never making the first move
never confident
convinced that if love was to happen it had to be pure
it had to be mutual
i viewed myself as uniteresting
slightly overweight with little to offer
those self-views formed in early adolescence stay with us for a long time
maybe forever
i can not really say yet
but at 23 they are still lurking
as is the hope of pure love
this time of the morning harps on those ideals
dwelling on an end to loveless existence
in sex
or something stronger
i read puce and think of recent dreams
standing in a crisp new york winter
hugging a stranger
but with her in my arm i feel strong
memories of the dream are a collage
it was not a sexual dream
but emotional
i remember the overwhelming sense of feeling heroic
as if i were the character of some greek myth
laying next to her in bed
just resting after a full day
watching my hand touch her cheek
sitting across a table
sipping hot tea
watching through rising steam
she, distracting, not noticing my stare
in dream she was safe
because i was with her

damn this
i must sleep
let the music of underworld take me
into the dark
a filmhouse
that my mind will light with the movie of my dreams
hopeless i am
dumb ass romantic

- Sunday, September 06, 1998 at 03:26:17 (EDT)
this evening i rented naked
it's an odd film
very disturbed
kant say i really enjoyed it
but it definately left me feeling predatory

- Sunday, September 06, 1998 at 02:05:13 (EDT)
wanna see some photography?
ok, the click here

- Friday, September 04, 1998 at 18:26:37 (EDT)
dreamline has been updated
i really think dave mckean should hire this guy as an archive specialist for his art
this site really captures the spirit of the art
i applaud the webmaster for the level of dedication it takes to make such a great site!

- Friday, September 04, 1998 at 15:27:36 (EDT)
ya know nairb that's twice in a month i've had naked highly recomended to me
walker said i should check it out too
i guess i gotta now
btw, walker, if you read this, give me a call

- Friday, September 04, 1998 at 09:47:05 (EDT)
hit this link by accident
w-a-d 2 tha e

- Thursday, September 03, 1998 at 12:28:45 (EDT)
puce has pix
hey bn look at 5 & 6, notice the poster in the background and Silvia's shirt
forget gina, u need to move to NYC

- Wednesday, September 02, 1998 at 13:56:32 (EDT)
alright bn,
thanks for listening,
and for the first time in a while i listened too
maybe it could have been handeled differntly, but i don't know how
but what's done is done
you probably will get a better job now, you have to
and that's good
i understand about the concert
kinda figured
i'm not going alone though
as you know the only thing that got me to buy the ticket was you wanting me to go
so if you know anybody that needs a ticket
20 bucks for Bauhaus in DC on labor day
but i'm prolly just out 25 bones
oh, and i almost forgot, the dish rack is yours
i'll go to the WalMart tonight and get a replacement
take care man
and good luck

- Wednesday, September 02, 1998 at 13:41:09 (EDT)
i must have lost my dictionary
apparently being kicked out means something other than i thought
seems that it means your not allowed around when the person that kicked you out is home
but it's ok to hang out when he is at work
it's ok to dirty more dishes
plug in his computer (bad thunderstorms last night) and fart around
who knows what else
damn it
i placed trust in bn again, like a fool
let him keep the key because he said he would come during the day to get his things
things that are still here
i should have known better
should have known he would take advantage of it
that he would give me shit because of a dumb ass fucking jar
it's not my fault that you never got another job
i didn't make you NOT look for another place to live
these things were all you being lazy
i would have been at fault if i continued to let it go on
i offered you a place to live
and now i pull the rug out from under you
that's how you will always think of me
how i wronged you
i'll have to deal with that
but i think i'll be ok with it

i really enjoyed the time we spent together bn
i really did
it is a shame you did not move to richmond on your own
we probably would have been best friends for a very long time
but i could not have you in my home any longer
i could not come home one more day to a place i work hard for but did not feel like mine
could not spend another evening waiting around to use my computer
no longer could i live my life so that it accomodates you
not every second of it
no more times when i can not listen to a cd because you want to hear the cure of play your guitar
find your own place
play music all you want
listen to the cure for days straight
stay up all night
sleep all day
sit around forever doing nothing
don't go to work
don't get a better job
do whatever makes you happy
but what makes you happy is not always what makes me happy
since late april i have looked past that
we had some great times
yet i need to persue what makes me happy
on my own
i could not wait for you any longer
i had to prevent you from feeling that you were welcome as long as you wanted
i had to kick you out before handing me a single dollar
i demanded you pay rent in an effort to get you to look elswhere
but that failed
i could no longer rely on you to do anything about changing this situation
you can reply that you have interviews lined up
that i acted too soon
but remember that it was a "sure thing" interview that got you in the door in the first place
it's taken you since april to get two more
it's not that the jobs are not there
it's not that you don't have desirable skills
it's that you have not bothered to even look
and no new job means no new place to live
which means you would have stayed here as long as i let you
good luck on the jobs btw
i don't want you to do this to someone else
and if she is that other person i don't want you to screw up
she is a good person
and good for you
she cares about you a great deal, i'd hate to see you hurt yourself by hurting her

ok... there's too many things going on in my head
i've smoked to cigz while writing this
and sighed alot

but it's done
please let it stay that way
i don't want to be angry at you
or see you do something dumb
i just need you out of my home
and lets get dinner sometime
i'll treat, no strings attached
(that'z easier to do when we don't come home together)
i still might go to twisters on thursdays sometimes
when i do your more than welcome along for the ride
i would not mind driving to DC for the concert either
i got the ticket sitting on my scanner

when you came in last night things were calm
i doubt either of us really expected that
but i can not be angry to your face
i think you know that
that's why i keep a journal
of course it just happens to be a "fucking webpage" that everyone can read
including you
i don't hate you
i hate living with you
you, i really like, i'd go as far to say i love you (fuck you to tha pervz out there)
but i despise living with you
i need to be alone, it's who i am, who i must be
for whatever reason you want to give; you being here was killing me
i would shove a drowning man off my back to keep myself from drowning
maybe that makes me a bad person
it seems you are able to gather more sympathy for your situation than i
so i guess i am
in the end i usually get shafted
no matter what i do
or have done
i'm the asshole
you are right bn
you are not the only one that has said the things you say about me
but that's who i am
i've learned to live with me
and i've also learned very few other people will
i've accepted that
part of that acceptance is my desire to be alone
if nobody else is there then i will not be misunderstood
i've known that for a long time
i need to be alone, away from those people that can not see me
you have lived with me and only caught glimpses
you know more of the details than most
but often miss the function caused by those details
i would say i have my fair share of mental instability
and i need my own space to explore that
you would not understand
you are not expected to
at this point i can only think of one person who i would share any of that with
who would understand
but fate keeps that soul on the other side of the world
with time my belief in even that person has slipped
i have held back with you here
i can do that no longer
shaving my head again was actually a sign of that
the last time i did it resulted in the drive to leave norfolk behind
i am obsessed with symbolic actions
more so than i could ever discuss with you while you lived here
your presence has been a hinderance
i wish you would realize that
i wish you could understand
it is not your person i needed freedom from it was your presence

- Tuesday, September 01, 1998 at 19:54:24 (EDT)
"i want to see a negative before i provide you with a positive"
"what's that gonna prove"
"induldge me"

damn it
my right hand is completely fucking numb
that happens too ofter these days

- Monday, August 31, 1998 at 20:50:55 (EDT)
i only regret thhat i did not work on it
but there is always the sequel right?

- Monday, August 31, 1998 at 12:07:11 (EDT)
just read bn's latest comments
my ears don't hear you anymore.....
i'm just gonna be the jerk of the universe
oh well
it is pretty shitty of me
but ya know what?
you are exactly where you were when i let you move in
and you are gonna find some other poor slob
fill them with promises of "i got an interview in a couple days"
"i'll only stay a few weeks and be out as soon as possible"
yadda, yadda, yadda

i talked to you already
and you called one place, one possible apartment
but gave up before ever even talking to the guy
so screw you
you won't even try
i'm not gonna stand for it
i'm forcing the situation
that's that

- Monday, August 31, 1998 at 01:19:26 (EDT)
just saw saving private ryan
and now i'm packing
damn though, a film that leaves you shellshocked

- Monday, August 31, 1998 at 01:05:53 (EDT)
- Saturday, July 04, 1998 at 19:57:04 (EDT)
that's a good one too

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 20:29:24 (EDT)
oh shit
- Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 21:56:59 (EDT)
in Apollo Pan
need to read it today, cuz it changes

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 20:26:06 (EDT)
oh BTW for those of you that may be a bit confused by what i'm rambling about here
this is a "conversation" w/ bn

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 20:23:22 (EDT)
that's nice...
you done now?
i hope so, because you are not very good at this anymore
not very good at making me feel like a bastard for wanting my life back
i've asked you to leave before
you didn't
so i'm kicking you out
doing something for me
i know it's shitty for you
but oh well
you've been told this was coming from day one
it's pretty shitty for me to have someone sleeping in the living room
so i've stopped having faith that i was doing a good thing
having faith that you were just here temporarily

this has little to do with you
a great deal to do with me
i'm being selfish
yeah me!!!
i was the little kid that stopped sharing his toys
because when he did the other kids would take them home and keep them

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 20:15:13 (EDT)
that was supposed to be fool not foll
it's funny, i'm in a pretty good mood
maybe because this was inevitable and i've been working up to it
maybe because for the first time in a while i'm looking ahead
without the thought of any burdens on my back
maybe it's because of how good this book i got recently is
i find myself pretty inspired
and wishing i was a better photographer
oh, and take a look at yahoo's Dave McKean section
most of those pages are worth a look

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 16:52:10 (EDT)
your guilt trips are not going to work this time
i'm so disgusted with myself for being a foll all this time
it's so obvious now that our "friendship" is based on me providing you a place to live
based on me providing for you
and you have hardly done anything to change that
as i said before
all the things that you have said you will do "as soon as i can"
are no closer now than the day you walked in my door

no, i don't want you sleeping here another night
yes, you can leave your things until friday
at that point they are going in the hall

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 16:35:37 (EDT)
here is the answer:
a soon as possible is not soon enough
you're gone
want to save a friendship? then work on that after your're out
you've been saying you'll do this, do that, "as soon as possible" for too long
no new job, now new place to live, car is still illegal, ect, ect
i really don't give a shit what you think of me
i just don't want you living in my home another day
i don't care what you think my motives are, just get out
and not as soon as possible, get out now
your days of freeloading off of me are over
it's done

and why did i not talk talk to you in person?
because you twist things around
because unless it's written down where you can't change it you will say it never happened
so here it is
get out

- Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 13:24:24 (EDT)
thinking of gus
- Friday, August 28, 1998 at 11:16:00 (EDT)
why am i so mean to you?
because i've asked you to leave and you won't
because you are so self centered you are inconsiderate
you dirty every dish and leave them piled high
you ask me for money to entertain her
you, who already owe's me
did you need it? no
could you have gone on just fine without? yes
you took my last dollars
dollars that i could not spare
you took them eagerly
you will leave your presence known when you go
as you do each time you depart
a couch layed flat
only cleaned when it suits you
the floors and bathroom stained in the name of your beauty

maybe you have not understood the times i have said before
so i say again
you have made yourself unwelcome
and she asks why i am mean to you?
i'm sure your answer placed me at fault
look past the stains on the mirror as you walk out the door
and see the cause

- Friday, August 28, 1998 at 03:52:25 (EDT)
listenin to some net radio
this one mix has a sample:
"cgi agent data nully"
anybody know what that's from?
made me giggle

- Wednesday, August 26, 1998 at 11:27:27 (EDT)
i grow very tired of the refusal of classifications
this eve i was confronted with much hostility to the idea
i said "oh that's like so&so"
instantly sending the creator of said product into a rage
i have never been able to understand that attitude
grouping something with other things i percieve to have similarities only gives a reference point to analyze the item in question
it is not derogatory or demeaning
take SiD for example:
"oh, it's just another online journal"
why yes it is... reference point made, now read it and compare to the others
"but i don't like personal journals"
then you probably won't like this site
i'd like if you took a look anyway, but don't stress it
when looking for a car i want a description of 4 door sedan and not just car
record stores SHOULD have different sections
or else i'm walking home with conway twitty that i got from the singular "just music" bin
a cat IS a cat
big band music IS big band music
these are not bad definitions, just identifiers
like bad spelling for example
if one does not like the classification they recieve then i feel it is their issue to resolve
because if one person makes the classification then countless other will as well
learn to deal with it
don't be foolish and live in denial of the human nature to make reference points
and for gawd sakes don't get pissed when someone does

- Wednesday, August 26, 1998 at 03:28:36 (EDT)
music at it's finest
sit back, relax, and let the ooze flow over you

- Tuesday, August 25, 1998 at 09:04:12 (EDT)
a reminder of a group to find music by

- Monday, August 24, 1998 at 16:07:22 (EDT)
last night was one of the most interesting saturday eves i've had in a while
the day yesterday was relatively unproductive
much like today
but i had been invited to a party
the bledsoes were celebrating their anniversary
they run quite a bit of the show over at ArtSpace
the gallery that i've helped with RPAC events at
they are good people
i'm going to try and set up an all digital art show there
but anyway
i was invited to this party
at first it was pretty chill
i didn't know anyone
and am always introduced as "the web guy"
which i don't mind
but i hate to be known for my job
"this is wade, he does internet stuff"
yadda yadda yadda
but then walker showed up
and that's when things took a turn for the better
walker is an interesting fellow
i first heard of him at artspace
he was the first one to do any video art there
in fact the reaction to his "digital" art is going to be the main reason the electronic art exhibit will happen
he's rather quiet
keeping to himself
always dressed in gray
with a pouch/bag slung over his shoulder
the type of person i look at and think: what's this guys story?
the ArtSpace folks had determined that walker and i should be friends
a good call on their part
we have a great deal in common
similar views on most things, passionate about what we do, reclusive, dreamers
i like the guy
he's neat
we talked about music, film, drinking, and the end of the world
that last one was basically a y2k thing
a few other people were in on that one
it left us with images of soup cans and guns in our heads
we all felt kind of dirty after that talk
with walker were amanda, a perfect goff gurl that's grown out of the sound
and mike, a paranoid stealth-geek that really doesn't like anything
by far they were the three most interesting people at the party
so when they said they were leaving
walking to another party
i tagged along
that's when walker asked me who bn is
it suddenly hit me
walker reads these pages
reads them on a fairly regular basis
he had made a few comments in reference to the site earlier in the eve
but it did not sink in until that instant
for the first time i was talking to a person who knew a great deal more about me than i did of them
it was scary and exciting at the same time
i wish i knew how he views me
an unatural sense of ease maybe
as if i really don't have to explain things
very very weird
he already knew some of the stories i had to tell without ever hearing them before
eventually we arrived at this other location
a less "intelligent" gathering
basically a gap ad come to life and passing around a pipe
loud and pretty
shallow and drunk
not my scene really
we proceeded to the living room
once there walker (with a great amount of pleasure) found a tape of raising arizona
at least we could be entertained
amanda went to locate the person who had invited her and friends to this shindig
we sat and watched the film
i alomost wishing someone had taken notice of the fact that we were crashing the party
but no such luck
i should have done more that just ashing my smokes on the floor
maybe raided their fridge
but it was all good
after a while we noticed that amanda had disappeared
we split up a scoured the house in search of her
look past all the white boys with their perfect clean dreads
but no goff gurlz to be seen
apparently she has a tendancy to wander off
and she was pretty drunk when we got there
although it was unspoken i think we all felt better departing without her there
so i drove them back to walkers van

- Sunday, August 23, 1998 at 19:22:10 (EDT)
Dear President Andrew Jackson:

The canal system of this country is being threat-ened by the spread of a new form of transportation known as railroads. The federal government must preserve the canals for the following reasons:

One - if canal boats are supplanted by railroads, serious unemployment will result. Captains, cooks, drivers, repair-men, and lock tenders will be left without means of livelihood, not to mention the numerous farmers now employed in growing hay for horses.
Two - boat builders would suffer and towline, whip, and harness makers would be left destitute.
Three - canal boats are absolutely essential to the defenses of the United States. In the event of the expected trouble with England, the Erie Canal would be the only means by which we could move supplies so vital to waging modern war.

As you well know, Mr. President, railroad carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by engines, which in addition to endanger-ing the life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside setting fire to crops, scaring livestock, and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should move at such breakneck speed.

April 1832

- Friday, August 21, 1998 at 13:18:55 (EDT)
damn steve
they killed your account quick
thanks to bn for doing his part to keep the email flowing
sorry to anyone it bounced for
that should be corrected in an hour or so
BTW steve if ya got a new one i need to know where to redirect

- Friday, August 21, 1998 at 12:12:50 (EDT)
this is where I've been spending my thursday nights....
was there last night
but it's getting lame.... let me tell ya
same old crap, too few good songs

- Friday, August 21, 1998 at 09:36:07 (EDT)
This is a very very attractive woman....
what can i say?
some people are stunning

- Thursday, August 20, 1998 at 13:53:07 (EDT)
Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.
- Wednesday, August 19, 1998 at 15:14:36 (EDT)
fuck gawd damn state government complacency
if my name is going to be on something i want it ot have an ounce of quality
when i'm given a .gif image and told they want it 200% larger
my response is "where is the file you made the gif with?"
"that's all we have"
"but it's going to look like crap, no matter what i do"
"that's ok"
but they don't care, quality means nothing here, it pisses me off!

- Wednesday, August 19, 1998 at 12:21:34 (EDT)
ha.... I just got added to open pages...
how long ago did i put that application in?
oh well
sure, whatever
hi, and welcome...

- Wednesday, August 19, 1998 at 08:21:51 (EDT)
bovine boy just did something really nice
i've been havin a shitty mornin
thieving vending machines and bad syquest products
he was listening to me bitch
which i do often
and he asked if i wanted any food 'cuz he was going out
i figured a couple cheap burgers would do the job since the vending moster yielded no goods
i handed him a couple bucks
but when he walked away he dropped the money back in my bag
i protested a bit
but damn, i went to college, i learned never to shun free food
nonetheless it was really nice
thanks man.....

- Tuesday, August 18, 1998 at 13:58:14 (EDT)
go there
get their magazine
give them support
because i got my first issue tonight and really love it
and because
i said so!!!

- Tuesday, August 18, 1998 at 00:39:39 (EDT)
bovine boy at work showed me this
can't really check it out here at work
but it looks weird enough to justify a link

- Monday, August 17, 1998 at 14:50:55 (EDT)
Advertising The Martin Agency seeks an Interactive Designer to work in their Interactive Department. Ideal candidate must be a conceptual thinker. At least 1 year experience with Netscape & Inter net Explorer. Proficient in HTML, Photoshop, Illustrator, Quark, GIF builder (Animation software) and other related software. Knowledge of UNIX and Windows-NT. Experience with HTML integration issues that affect multiple browswes re quired. Please fax resume and salary requirements to.....

as soon as i read that i rushed to fax them my resume
in my haste i spelled ad "add" and included which is a dead link
and i really, really, really wanted that job to
guess i learn the hard way that being too quick does not pay

- Sunday, August 16, 1998 at 17:11:40 (EDT)
lindsay signed my guestbook
her page has some info that made me laugh my ass off, sure it's disturbing, but most things that i find funny are....

- Saturday, August 15, 1998 at 15:03:13 (EDT)
Cloei's web page is kinda weird
it's like a DIY porn cam
her "this is me" attitude is kinda cute
but overall i am just reminded of an elly with worse spelling than me

- Saturday, August 15, 1998 at 14:50:00 (EDT)
an hour of sleep this mornin before work
only 12:45 and I am dying
it feels like it's been 3:59 for the past two hours
drag drag drag
how many smoke breaks can i take in one day?

- Friday, August 14, 1998 at 12:45:00 (EDT)
i'm captivated
mega geek!

- Thursday, August 13, 1998 at 20:22:38 (EDT)
drunk turkey
- Wednesday, August 12, 1998 at 23:33:00 (EDT)
i got to talk to tank last night on AIM
bn was eating dinner and i was sitting at the helm when i heard the door open wave file play
i was almost suprised to find out she is actually pretty nice
went to look at the page again and laughed my ass of
even more suprising is that she is coming to richmond this very weekend
small world
well anyway... she was nice, i dug that
work is demanding.... but i impressed 'em today
that felt kinda good
me and my photoshop skills never disapoint
spelling on the other hand.... ;)

- Tuesday, August 11, 1998 at 15:21:32 (EDT)
damn it....
my mind is a real piece of work let me tell ya
actually i won't
i've done so much listening i find it hard to open up myself
mainly because i don't want to make someone else feel the way all my "friends" make me feel
their pain becomes my pain
i can not help it
but i won't do it to someone else
i've talked to nobody about exactly how suicidal i've been
how close i came to stealing my fathers pistol this weekend
i mentioned it to the person who currently knows me best
told him how every night before i sleep i think of escape
but i beat around the bush mostly
mexico or a bullet
both just answers to what seems a hopeless situation
my life is in finacial ruin
too many bills not enough income
my physical desires are raging
tormenting me as i watch others embrace
my emotional hell
the need to love with nobody even willing to entertain the idea of recieving
disatisfaction with what it seems i have chosen as a career
being forced to compramise one's vision and ability for a job is a nightmare
constanly giving myself to others
being too kind to ask for anything in return
it's all been too much
i gasp for air but only get water
friday i skipped work
thursday an all night talk with a little bird
her heart full of panic on forced departure
without sleep i made plans for a late arrival to work
with shaving cream on my face and in my underwear the landlord's thugs arrived
harrased me for past due payments
i emptied my bank account to satisfy them
absolutely empty
after that devestation i escaped back to the beach for the weekend
celebrating the success of an old friend
Bacchus Dagodevas moving to the big apple
it was this eve at his celebration that i found my salvation
suprising, but not so much, it came from the most unexpected of places
Geneva was the reason Silicon Dominion came into being
and tonight i can say she is a big part of why it will continue
she has known pain, and she knows how to relate
she listens and converses
and she will fuck you up if you don't be honest with her
no sugar coating how you feel
a response like "things are alright" just won't cut it
she let me tell her everything (a brief version at least) and responded with shared tales
no words of encouragement really, just understanding
the fact that she was there to listen
and not in the depths of Richmond squalor (she is from here)
that was encouragment enough, and she's smart enough to know it
she is a good person, i am lucky to know that
for some reason she figured i am worthy, and it's one of the biggest honors i have ever known
the friendship of someone who is sometimes seen as unfriendly
that's a friendship with value

ok.... i can't dwell on it anymore tonight
sleep now for a 5:30am wakeup
but one last thing
i've been looking at my web stats
and i've noticed that there are some regulars
i really want to thank each of you
and i'd really like if anyone who visits these pages more than once a week signs the guestbook
it would be very nice
and also would give my ego a much needed boost ;)

- Monday, August 10, 1998 at 01:04:59 (EDT)
maybe if people listen to what other people have to say about them instead of trying to have some kind of "you don't understand me" comeback their lives would be a little less stressfull
if you always try and read between the lines you often miss the point
people are stupid
everyone is stupid
especially the people who bother to care about people that only hurt them

- Saturday, August 08, 1998 at 17:38:29 (EDT)
it's a shitty fucking day
they just don't get it

- Friday, August 07, 1998 at 15:04:20 (EDT)
ok i may have gotten some of the details wrong
but check out the cool pictures!

- Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 17:30:58 (EDT)
it was a bad day to be a driver in Richmond
this morning something like 6 people died in three seperate accidents
one falls into the "ain't that a bitch" catagory
a tractor trailer ran up onto the guard-rail on a bridge that passes over the James River
one car became entangled in the wreck
the two people inside the car survived the impact with the truck
but the trailer clipped an overhead interstate sign
it broke off and fell on to the car, crushing it flat as a pancake
the driver of the truck survived as well
but when he opened up the cab to step out he obviously forgot his truck was perched on the guard-rail
he stepped off into thin air and fell several hundred feet into the river

btw, i got my new job
it's at the Dept of Transportation
which means i'm privy to interesting details the typical public doesn't hear
neat huh?

- Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 17:24:01 (EDT)
in the middle of the night
just slip away

a little before dawn
one last bang

pulling, prying, tearing
into release
from bonds of nothingness

a heart so big
full of empty space
caring so much
for everyone that walks this path
a heart so large
is destined to be a lonely soul
in a cold bed
chilled long enough
warmth has been forgotten
a question
did it ever exist at all

mind full of dreams
creative desire
flesh in need of shelter
selling the dream
clamp down the spirit
in order to survive
in the end
it brings the end

escape from nothing
to be free of being empty
a foolish notion
that perhaps the dead or forgotten
somehow find fullfillment

peel back the sky
push out the clouds
from around these eyes
all misty with dreams
sacred shelter
in your desired embrace

whisper me a song
little bird
who stole her name
across the vast seas

i perch with you
in the treetops
where we breath
take you in
talk of him
in english tone
sarcastic verses
i against the sleeper

a wall between
my only path to you
squeezed together
to better hear
in comfort
you tell me what you fear

a wish
for you to make us
if only my embrace
could provide you safety
sacred place

all hope lost
options exhausted
your future preordained
in lies
and misguided love

a bird in a cage
no bird at all
your feathers clipped
returned in silver
freedom lost
so i can have mine
at cost of servitude
no place for you

a thousand gifts i'd offer
only to know
what to do
how to provide
from what you will become
shipped away
in preparation


there is something in your eyes
i lay awake
with hopes it won't be lost

the breeze of our skies
blowing into the streams
flowing into rivers
the motion never ceases
what has begun
can not be changed now
inevitible conclusion

i whisper softly on your cheek
an idea, a thought
for now
until then
could it be

take your hand in mine
passing glances
growing to deepened stares
this is my heart
open to you

this is not love
no time for it
my feeling
a deeper channel
stronger than a friend
more trusted than a lover

let me be yours
for now
until then
that comes too quick
time too short
to let it pass
like it is now
cherish it
never will it be like this again

let me fill that longing
for now
a brief time
maybe not a prize
can not offer you the bright feathers
but the song in my chest
i will sing for you
so loud
you will feel it
ripping from my heart
so that it may lift you up

in a nest
built of twigs
of joy, laughter, happiness
a fragile work
i build for you
little bird
until you spread your wings
to fly

sitting on this perch
next to you
do i dare
lean forward
smell your skin
feel the tender touch
of delicate lips

- Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 01:38:56 (EDT)
all thw windows are open
a cool pre-fall breeze is blowing in
i can hear the noises of the outside
it's perfect weather
in the cd player, on random:
sinead o'conner, beth orton, mary lou lord, suzanne vega, & concrete blond
feelin miserable
it's a deep down misery
not showin on the surface
but right now i really want one of two things
a boat to live i can on somewhere off the coast of mexico
or a loaded shotgun
i'm manic
hope a shrink never reads this site
but padding would be nice
just white
nothing to think about
nothing to feel

- Wednesday, August 05, 1998 at 18:41:06 (EDT)
happy birtday ly
sorry i forgot
thanks for reminding me
thanks for bein such a sweetie!

- Tuesday, August 04, 1998 at 23:44:56 (EDT)
- Tuesday, August 04, 1998 at 10:11:35 (EDT)
reason i HATE living on the east coast of the united states:
employeers here are convinced there is some advantage to being at work at 7am
fuk that
there is no advantage to a web page written at 2pm versus the crack of dawn
and another thing:
expecting 10 hour days
that's some bullshit
i don't mind doing it
but expecting it is a whole other matter all together
ideally i'm a 10 to 6 type
9 to 5 is fine though, as that is what i consider standard
and i don't mind being at work until 8 at night, i'm an evening type guy
but 7am to 5pm, maybe later, that's insane
and today my car is in the shop
so i gotta ride public transit to and from work
which means a 5:30am wake up call
damn this shit to hell
i grew up in a military town
if i wanted this i would have let some moron shave my head a long time ago
may as well smash my nuts with a sledgehammer and be a monk
crap, crap, crap
second freakin day at this job and i hate it already
great, just fukin great

- Tuesday, August 04, 1998 at 06:14:47 (EDT)
damnit bn there is giz all over the mouse!
kant even click cuz my fingers slide off
gross d00d

- Monday, August 03, 1998 at 17:05:12 (EDT)
she is amazing!
a piece of living art!

in a few hours i start a new job
wish i could kick this flu stuff
my breathing is difficult
wish i had done laundry

- Sunday, August 02, 1998 at 23:41:40 (EDT)
still ill
recovering is sometimes worse than the illness
blah, sigh, cough

- Thursday, July 30, 1998 at 22:57:30 (EDT)
so very ill
i'm freezing
and starving
but it takes so much effort to aquire food
but i must
or i shall never heal

- Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 21:14:48 (EDT)
today i find myself @ home sick
flu/cold type sore throat/congestion thing
cramps... but that prolly has more to do with my bad eating habits
my digestive system is a nightmare
speaking of the dreaming
a bit of inspiration from art
i'm feeling ill, but motivated...
i predict something will happen
but maybe some music first
Bowie's outside seems appropriate

- Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 11:36:28 (EDT)
i've got blisters on my fingertips
casualty of learning an instrument
but someday i'll be able to play a ditty
today at work i train my replacement
she finds herself a bit overwhelmed
but she will do ok
if she can learn the PC
interview today too
wish me luck

- Monday, July 27, 1998 at 12:28:08 (EDT)
holy cow
what a great day
more on it later....
right now i gotta rush out the door to CVille to see Bn play
then off to the beach for the weekend to visit my 'rents
but man o man I am stoked
what an amazing day!!!!!

- Friday, July 24, 1998 at 19:11:28 (EDT)
- Friday, July 24, 1998 at 16:38:04 (EDT)
sometimes on the net you can read some stuff that scares the shit out of you
with a little follow up research i realized the horror
it seems all mamillian life, particularly meat eaters, are on a course of slow decay
over time we are gradully passing on a tendency towards this shortcoming
really really creepy
even the most basic observation would show that each generation faces a growing risk
you are what you eat never sounded so true
but maybe this could also be the key to preventing disease and making us stronger organisms
i am curious if any research is being done to counter this trend?

- Friday, July 24, 1998 at 16:09:06 (EDT)
i bought the cure album "show" recently
and, bn is gonna love this, i really really like it
listening to it right now
spiderman is having me for dinner tonight....

- Thursday, July 23, 1998 at 18:28:08 (EDT)
so maybe not all webrings are bad
Private Parts has a premise i can relate to, even though most of the links are dead
but as you can see if you follow the wow link there are some real gems to be found

- Thursday, July 23, 1998 at 13:39:58 (EDT)
you know what?
web rings are fucking bullshit!
some elitist crap telling me how I have to be
i mean read this shit
going on and on how someone has to be this and that
they are on freakin geoshitties... how "kewl" is that????
want a web ring for guys? well suck my dick and maybe i'll let you include my site
gawd damn jerks
if the people that join these things were worthwhile in the slighteset then they would not be part of such an elitist group
it is like web frats or sumthin
i'm done now

- Thursday, July 23, 1998 at 13:07:09 (EDT)
i talked to him all day monday, wanna see?
- Thursday, July 23, 1998 at 10:19:57 (EDT)

we will miss you Al

- Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 15:00:56 (EDT)
hi brian,
i did buy a low CD, sumthin about songs for dead pilots or something like that
have not had the chance to sit and dwell on it yet though, but i like what i have heard so far
thanks for signin the guestbook
and you make me sick with envy
i was only able to spend a dozen or so days with her
and that was six years ago now....
but september is coming
and cooler, dryer places may be too

- Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 11:44:43 (EDT)
it's so damned hot
bored out of my mind
i feel so lazy
the work situation looks grim
i feel like if i lay down and don't concentrate i'll just fade away
this is the type of place where a guy could just die
bn is writing down his set list for his big gig on friday night
he's gonna be playing with a friend of his that has a big record deal
she apparently is really nice
i look forward to meeting her
the gus will prolly be there too
so that could prove interesting
hera has an obsession with number 41
each month it is mentioned
i called her tonight
but she was not home
think i confused her roomie
maybe it's not so hot in oregon?
perhaps i could breathe there
i discovered recently that i have an adversion to pyromaniacs
not much respect for them
even when i try so hard to clue them in as to how they should act to get what they want
still she ignores reason and better judgment
so she gets the meat treatment, i creep her out
i don't really care, the gurls always see me as a nice guy or a weirdo anyway
so fuck 'em
actually i'd like too
really horny lately, and lacking of much emotion
been listening too much, a shoulder for feminine troubles
it is so easy to think i can drown my pain and frustration in erotic pleasure
damn..... bn is rehearsing
he writes such good songs, makes a boi wanna cry
and the fact that he is sitting there singing and playing
unaware that i am writing of him now
so honest, sincere
i wish my words could inspire a song
i've often thought how nice it would be to write a song
something like:

finding pathways in daytripped dizzy delirum
a snake has wrapped around a bird
coils constricting in suffocating bliss
flashing flicker shadow shrouded
mystical enchantment
seduction of rare pearls
desired of all the swimmers in our sea
washed up on the shore, so many shells
emptied of living cargo
deafening echos of beauty
placed in procession
gathered around a boy's sleeping body
dreamer tossing
turning away again
at persistance in the rings of bells
cries of desire
deafening echos of beauty

or something like that
i try to work out how to sing it in my head
too bad i don't play
i envy that
lydia, bn, even puce
music is so perfect
don't ever forget that, regardless of anything else
you three exist in perfection for that alone

- Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 00:03:17 (EDT)
last night i strolled up to the local sev after being a vegetable all day
bought some cigs, b&j, and a nantucket nectar
damn i hate softpacks
when i got home the liquid was gone and the ice cream had reached "not gonna bend the spoon" status
but i was bored of the computer, so i decided to watch a movie
i am a member of an anime of the month club and subsequently have the starts of a nice collection
for the past few months i have been without anything to view them on
so i have a bit of a backlog
there is one of note that i've been wanting to see
the animation looks second rate but the story sounds interesting
i dropped the video out of it's box, popped it in, and sat down with my pint
(why do so many good things come in pints?)
Barefoot Gen lit the screen
i was numbed, horrified, angered, saddened
did you feel the pain of Schindler's List?
then maybe you want to stay clear of this one
after that i headed for bed...
too bad 1:30am was greeted by a phone call and a visit by a pyromaniac
she did not leave until 4am
something funny i heard this weekend
when talking to a female friend about a recent three person sexual encounter she had, she told me of how she had to call her female friend out after all was said and done
"you see" she explained to me "you guys may not be able to tell when a woman is faking it" she paused to take a drag off her cig "but another woman can tell without a second thought"
good point
damn that turned me on
too bad she trusted me with information like that
'cuz people never fuck the ones they trust

- Monday, July 20, 1998 at 15:38:18 (EDT)
"In addition to hearing a report from the State Statistician, the Board will consider the adoption of documents concerning Pseudorabies regulation and shooting enclosure regulation."
damn my job is neat

- Monday, July 20, 1998 at 12:25:46 (EDT)
now that is some stew
my body is not fond of peanuts. just does not deal with them at all

- Monday, July 20, 1998 at 11:51:40 (EDT)
last night was cool
crazy, long and cool
made a new friend
my first impression of her was less than favorable
but i should not have judged that book by it's cover
she has some really great stories

i've been awake way too long

and a hello to Sarah (Japan)
see you in oregon

- Sunday, July 19, 1998 at 12:32:01 (EDT)
hmmmm what's this?
- Friday, July 17, 1998 at 21:57:51 (EDT)
i'm not normally one to be out promoting pictures of naked people
but there is something about this girl
i found myself looking at the images not for the erotic
but instead i wanted to see the vibe she was giving off
her look
cuddling puppies
behind the bar
she is captivating
so go look
i suspect you will find yourself looking at image after image too

- Friday, July 17, 1998 at 20:31:34 (EDT)
so let's see
a week - a blur
friday you read about
saturday had well laid plans
an event at artspace, a performance art piece done by a VCU proff
sounded great, and my RPAC friends wanted to make a night of it
matt has a friend, she is new to richmond, he plans to get us together
she was going to join us
i was running late as usual
so i told them i would just meet them at the place we planned to have pre-show dinner
i got there and they were no where to be found
i waited, drank, waited, ordered, waited, ate, waited
as i pushed the last pieces around my plate the hostess brought me a phone
seemed this bling date had not shown, so they were waiting and would meet me at the show
i headed over there and watched what can best be described as "eh"
people moving about, there was no planning, no concept, and it showed
no message, just an exercise in pretention and annoyance
welcome to the art world wade
but the artspace folks were well met, good people
we gathered post show to grub up
i being full watched them eat
the blind date never showed
i was informed of another artspace happening monday eve
sunday was nothing, just vegetation
monday held big plans
i skipped work with the idea of collecting on the payoff for my wrecked car
that was the intent anyway
night fell and i had not accomplished that
but art thingz were a callin
i showed up to be confronted by some sort of musically electronic deviation
at some point what they were playing was dance music, techno
but in the dark alleys of these musician's heads the music took a turn
a step away from anything danceable
it was the right equipment for the job
but the viewer could only stand and become numb
this was chaos
it was great
i watched as LSR gouged CDs with a screwdriver
then he would play them and build soundscapes around the resulting noise
it was fascinating, and breathtaking
their music drained me
after four hours of just standing and watching i was exhausted

i'm really tired right now
i just danced my ass off at the gofik night
it was amazing 'cuz it was mostly industrial
got to dance to pigface, revco, and skinny puppy all in the same night
hell yeah
SO, i'll finish the tale of monday eve and tuesday later

- Friday, July 17, 1998 at 03:00:38 (EDT)
i have a new curriculum vitae online
go take a look
there are also two older versions
the oldest
and the not sold old
it's kinda neat to look at the way i have promoted myself in the past
i'm getting better at this
now i just gotta get work

- Thursday, July 16, 1998 at 16:17:47 (EDT)
i almost forgot
i wrote something kinda big for this weekend
here it is: The Geek Farm

- Wednesday, July 15, 1998 at 12:49:24 (EDT)
shit, i found out not long ago that a week from monday VDACS plans to end my contract
i was originally told 6 months
that would have been Sept 1 sorta
but now i'm gonna slack off like a mo-fo
fuk 'em
as long as i get paid i'm kewl

- Wednesday, July 15, 1998 at 12:42:01 (EDT)
- Tuesday, July 14, 1998 at 17:22:06 (EDT)
something grim for you
on 4-8-94 Cobain, Kurt Donald (W-M-dob 2/20/67) was wearing a shirt by this band
in case you wanted to know

- Tuesday, July 14, 1998 at 14:31:28 (EDT)
i like this
i feel bad
i'm starting to put links i find at bud_dot_komm here
but it's good stuff
i hope you are reading it
cuz he puts my crap up there too

- Monday, July 13, 1998 at 18:30:10 (EDT)
whoa hey M.R. a little angry there are we not?
it does indeed take two to tango
and she is going to end up alone again because of her choice
prolly better for all parties involved
but it took some hurtin to get to this point
i'm not really sure what to do with this guy

and i'm not sure he knows either
but we are back where we were
just waiting for me to blow up again
at least we give you ppl sumthin to read

- Monday, July 13, 1998 at 18:17:54 (EDT)
took the day off from werk to fart around the house
going to write something for
and a proposal for a Non-Profit org that i would like to start
recently I have made some contacts to that end
RPAC and ArtSpace, one for performers, the other a gallery
both non-profits, i figure they may be interested in helping me get started
i'm planning on helping them, making web pages and such
i've already done flyers for RPAC
it's a good relationship
talking to some folks at ArtSpace made me realize that maybe digital artist could use a home
it's been a long term dream of mine
more on that later

- Monday, July 13, 1998 at 12:17:33 (EDT)
I just saw the movie Metropolis for the first time
it was screened at Richmond's Byrd Theatre
since it is a silent movie a live band played the score, they included the original pipe organ that is still part of the Byrd
it was amazing
probably one of the most visually stimulating experiences I have had in the past few years
i have an uncontrolable to create now
Skinny Puppy in the CD player, PhotoShop calling me
i'll post some images later
and i am not the only one amazed by the film
two scenes were copied almost exactly in the film The Fith Element
think "re-animation chamber" and the "singing diva"

- Saturday, July 11, 1998 at 02:32:57 (EDT)
gawd damn
i thought i was a good designer
but Derek Powazek is REALLY good
his work kinda makes me feel inadequate

- Friday, July 10, 1998 at 15:32:19 (EDT)
a couple of sound bytes:
-sometimes it is best not to read between the lines of a one line statement-
-my life is an imitation of art-

examples of byte 1:
i love you
i like to dress as a woman
i hate you
i wish you were dead
... the proper response to all four is to say "ok" and walk away

example of byte 2:
um... you are reading it
dumb ass
and btw art does not imitate crap, it's just art, deal with it

- Friday, July 10, 1998 at 14:00:40 (EDT)
ok so I lied, i did go and goff out
HE was not there, so there was no drama
i got a groove on
the dj even played some Skinny Puppy, but she sucks because she cut the song short
the CVille contingent was in the house too
they are not people of the gus
instead i am refering to the sweetheart Andy Dean who sings for the gofik band Bella Morte
he has to be one of the nicest people i have ever met
i feel like he would do anything for anybody, his heart must be the size of texas!
there was a real cutie there
she did not dance much but we kept making eye contact
by the end of the night i finally got up the nerve to go up and mumble out a hello
i was all shy and coy and dumb
her name is Kahrin (phonetic spelling) and she is from CVille too
small freakin world
she had to head back there tonight
but said she looked forward to seeing me next week
neato -insert dumb boyish grin w/ dragging the toe of my right foot on the ground-
maybe next time i won't be such a "um, hi, um, you are really pretty, um, my name is wade, um," little shhepish smile and stare at the floor
followed up dancing with the ceremonial visit to the all night 3rd street diner
listened to a crazy old homeless guy with one tooth talk to me about fashion
he was trying to sell me some hot pink pants....???
but Kara the waitress came over and took her break with me
she is so super dooper kool
i'd kill to date a girl like her
i'd devote my life to making sure she is happy and giggly as much as she could possibly want
not that she is the giggly type, but i'm just sayin i could luff a gurl like her!
i'm being pretty hard up
i guess recent drama has put the idea of a special someone foremost in my mind
double deep big honkin sigh
remember Parker Lewis?
syncronize swatches
thank you, and goodnight

- Friday, July 10, 1998 at 03:31:44 (EDT)
this about sums it up
- Thursday, July 09, 1998 at 23:27:04 (EDT)
Ich möchte gern dein Herr sein.
- Thursday, July 09, 1998 at 22:01:59 (EDT)
hot as hell out tonight
tired am i
no damned goffs this eve
no big loss really

- Thursday, July 09, 1998 at 21:52:47 (EDT)
Subject: hello
Date: Wed, 8 Jul 1998 12:42:51 -0700 (PDT)
From: !!*p u c e*!!

talking to justin right now... told him a little about cause i was talking about how weird it is, he's gonna quote me talking about gus... woo hoo..heh... oh yah..and he wants screencaps of me doing cuseeme stuff...nicely cropped that he can possibly do some kind of creative piece..hahah.. idunno... he's a cutie...glad he linked you?
that's cool :)

-puce, dahlin, you rawk, you can call me anytime!-

- Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 15:45:41 (EDT)
hey bn remember when i said SiD was gonna be mentioned on a major site sometime in the next two months?
well go look at
Justin is tha man!
i knew if i oogled over him long enough.....
i feel obligated now
this weekend i'll write him sumthin for
and if you are reading this you write something too!

listening to '80s tunes from Radio Free Underground
they are playing The Glove
um, that's gotta be Bob

- Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 13:00:21 (EDT)
at puce's request a clarification:
the lydia that is the focus of the current war being waged here does not live in oregon
she is very much here in the flesh to be seen, smelled, and for some fortunate few tasted

- Wednesday, July 08, 1998 at 00:08:13 (EDT)
hey fanboy wanna see piktrz of your favorite musician???
or maybe you should just celebrate fucking christmas in july!

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 19:34:05 (EDT)
just my fucking luck!!!!!
the website lists:
Thu, 7/9 pigface FLOOD ZONE
on it's concert page....

The floodzone has no advertisements for this.....

I would love for it to be true.
What exactly is going on here?

Alek Traunic

Subject:Re: Web Feedback
Date: Tue, 7 Jul 1998 19:00:39 EDT

It is not true.

The Lowest of the Low tour with Pigface, FM Einheit, Scorn, Dead Voices on Air, Not Breathing, Bagman and Phylr ended on April 12.

No other dates are scheduled at this time.

The new Pigface remix album, Below the Belt, featuring remixes by Justin Broadrick of Godflesh, Tranquility Bass, Scanner and Mick Harris among others is out now.

If you need any further info, please let me know.

Take Care,

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 19:13:27 (EDT)
i was surfin about and ended up here
but made a coo sound when i found this

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 17:42:51 (EDT)
The Power Station - Bang a Gong
does it get any better than this?

the bastards took the links to other search engines off their results pages!
that was my favorite part about their site!

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 17:40:01 (EDT)
Thu, 7/9 pigface FLOOD ZONE
i had the wrong date....

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 15:59:27 (EDT)
btw, i don't care about her
she is yours, now and forever
she reeks of your urine
i never got a chance to explore that avenue
i confided in you
my interest
which you soon assumed
take, take, take
"i would not have invited her up"
i did

if you feel the whole world is yours
how can you feel bad for taking anything you see?
i do not see the world as mine
i see myself as part of it
i lay myself open for passerbyes to see
take what you will
leave something in return
the basket of my soul if feeling quite empty
goods taken but not replaced

how can someone become so convinced that they are needed?
does he forget...?
the happiest i have been in months is when i thought he was gone for good
i don't need you
stop trying to convince me i do
it's annoying
like a bad rash
yes, i interact with you when you are here
integrate you into my life since i can not escape your presence
but i'm not attached
when you are gone i will not miss you
not like I miss Jeff, Jon, and even Steve
i trust them
work called
meetings and such
lost my train of thought
oh well this is just entertainment anyway
thinking about it...
i could not write pages this good from scratch if I tried
web drama

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 15:47:51 (EDT)
if given the choice
would you share the limelight
or keep the glory for yourself?

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 13:21:26 (EDT)
- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 13:14:26 (EDT)
remember Midnight Oil?
the Dead Heart...
we don't serve your country, don't serve your king
that was 1987
over ten years ago now
amazing, i remeber dancing in my bedroom while that song blared on the radio
life keeps on trukin

- Tuesday, July 07, 1998 at 12:50:01 (EDT)
i go on so much about how i like to be alone
i guess it should come as no suprise then when i find myself feeling uninvited
"you should have just come, i did not know"
the expected answers
i'm not one to impose
oh well
even the isolationist feels lonely when he gets geared up for an evening of activity
but early bed tonight may be in my favor
pigface comes to town tomorrow night
and none of these fuckers are invited!

- Monday, July 06, 1998 at 22:44:37 (EDT)
a little story for you...
i once lived in Savannah, Georgia
i went to college there
holding great aspirations of being an artist of video and computer animation
remember "Jurassic Park"...? I wanted to do stuff like that
but i met a girl
and for the first time in my life i was with someone who said she wanted to be with me too
i was 17, young, and she said what i needed to hear
"when i first saw you i wanted to be with you"
i have not heard that since
i wanted to be with her constantly
for the most part i was
which meant i was not at school
and i failed most of my classes
our relationship started a week after valentines
two months later it was over
it ended with a fight
i left in a rage
before we spoke again she went home for the weekend
saw her old boyfriend, and they decided they should live together that summer
when she returned that was it
i was out, he was in
no closure for me
just over
i fell in to a tailspin
my schoolwork was bad with her
it was ten times worse without her
but i thought that maybe if i pushed myself
maybe if i stayed the summer and took classes
then i would be alright
i began to recover
i even saw her a few times
as the school year ended everyone was moving to new apartments for the summer
she asked my help, and why not, we were friends right?
...the first night we slept together at my place
the second at hers
but as we pulled off each others clothes he called
to make sure everything was prepared for his arival in three days
she did not make me leave
but that sleep was worse than any nightmare i have ever had
all the recovering I had done was gone
there was nothing that meant anything to me
and she still wanted to be friends
i would torture myself
she posed for my studies for life drawing
in retrospect she was probably taking pity on me
letting me view in detail that which was no longer mine to touch
to escape it i had taken in with the deviants
their understanding of the pleasures of pain appealed to me
and emotionless sexual exploration
one of them took a liking to me
in the wee hours of the morning exactly five years ago we had vary bad sex
but i was hers then
a subject for verbal abuse and giver of blind affection
i remeber how she demanded i make noises when we fucked
even if i faked them
still making me ill at the thought of how much i hated it
but i needed someone
could not stand to be alone
because alone I would have thought of my first love
one eve we foolishly decided to go out and pick up another couple
to swing
we only found a guy i knew
we came back to my place to hang out
sitting on the balcony smoking and drinking
i went inside to show him some of my art
they never joined me
as i went to find them i heard the moaning coming from my roomates bedroom
my roomate that was out of town
i stood for a while and watched, in shock
when they were through she cleaned herself
i went in the bathroom to join her
but she would not let me touch her
she said she would feel dirty
i slapped her
she left with him
a few days later i left Savannah
my parents promised i could return in the fall
september came and went
they told me i had lost their faith
so i pawned everything i had of value and caught a bus
i had no plan
just Rollins Band - The End Of Silence
spent some time on the street
sleeping on a bench outside the apartment of first love
school friends hid me in the closets at the video department
finally an old dormmate let me stay in a room he had
it was a place he was planning to rent out
but i assured him i would get a job and help with the rent
much of the remaining time was a blur
sex, drug users, vampires, coffee, near death experiences,
shitty short lived jobs, theft, bondage, dirt, hair dye
it's amazing how college towns have that hidden sub-culture
the underbelly of ex-students
the amazing ability they have to survive on no money
clinging to each other
stealing life from any place they can
i remember walking thirty blocks at six am to a friends house
her door was unlocked
a dozen people were laying about sleeping
incense burning
nick cave looping on the stereo
i drank a bottle of her JD
smoked a pack of her cloves
filled her bathroom with my vomit
all this living i was doing i did for free
i never paid rent to my friend, host to the homeless
i ate his food
kept him up late at night with music and visitors
"it's my life" i said too many times
but he was too kind, foolish, to kick me out
one evening i even attempted to make some quick cash
out of guilt i headed to bull street
a place known for it's young male prostitutes
a lexus stopped and picked me up
the man was sweaty
he stopped at one point to get my payment out of the trunk
a bag full of poppers
he explained how he had spent all his cash on them
but figured i would accept some as payment for my services
when the car stopped i ran
harder and faster than i could have imagined
desperation can push a person to the limit
my friend, my host, left for the holidays, trusting me to attend to his bills
thanksgiving came and i was sitting in that one room
rotting food strewn about
a full cat litter box
the only thing to eat was half a box of dry grape nuts
i should have been addicted to heroin
it would have been more appropriate
a week later i left Savannah again
no goodbyes
no responsibilities
a month later my host tracked me down
he had returned from vacation to find all his utilities turned off
his credit ruined
and 800 dollars in debt
i had nothing to offer him
he could only be satisfied with knowing he had told me how much i had let him down
how i had made him feel like an idiot for ever trusting me
Jim, I am sorry
i really really am
i will never forget what you did for me
someday i will find you
put your years of schooling as an architect to use
pay you way too much money to build me a house
Jim was a trusted person
a good person
to know him was to be his friend
screwing him over lost all my friends there to me
they sided with him
as they rightfully should have

i left that place behind because i want better for myself
i want to work toward my own success
i will not allow it to happen again
or to be done to me
i can not allow myself to tolerate what i was
"it is my life"
those are the words of someone with no concern for anyone but themselves
it was not my life,
and it is not yours
i must demand the trust and compassion that i did not show then
the people in my life must be willing to hurt themselves as not to hurt me
i expect nothing less from myself
every day i dream of finding love, yet
i would rather be alone than know the embrace of someone a friend is interested in
- and do not apologize, no amount of bellyaching can change what has been done -
- i hope things go there natural course now -
- i do not wish to change the present because of what has already happened -
you do not understand me
you are not helping me
i am not learning anything from you
that i have not already taught myself

- Monday, July 06, 1998 at 21:18:16 (EDT)
toolin w/ pshop, click below

- Monday, July 06, 1998 at 21:14:59 (EDT)
after all this time I still have Justin envy

- Monday, July 06, 1998 at 15:59:04 (EDT)
- Sunday, July 05, 1998 at 20:42:36 (EDT)
you should not think you have it all figured out
you don't

Rollins Band - The End Of Silence
you should give it a listen
i want the alone
because some people are better left that way
i am trivial and foolish
an emotional wasteland that dwells so much on what can not be had
that is my destiny in love
to not have it
to be empty

i will not tell you because you will not hear
draw your own conclusions
she has heard us both
thinks we do not understand each other
obviously she is right

years of practice have taught me how not to feel
to be a void
at times i stuggle with it
but in the end i find it is still there
my ability to not care

- Sunday, July 05, 1998 at 12:59:40 (EDT)
on my mind is "Is You 7?" Big Fat Jerk
um... you will get that reference later
i stepped out of daily record keeping, and now it's kinda hard to get back in
use 'em, enjoy 'em
and there is a new place to create
Justin "Funkin" Hall has made an open invitation for us to create for him
shamelles self promotion is a current buzz werd 4 me
i'll prolly send him some shit
shit that he will never read
but screw him
and so what if i never finish an issue of SiD?
seems i never get more than a quarter of the ideas i have for an issue actually working
but that's ok, it's my damn online zine crap
my pseudo-journal space
my place to spell shit however i want
if you don't like it go to someone elses page
this place is mine
and i rawk
and you will like what i do because i told you to
so there

this weekend will be fun
Puce have a safe trip and good summer, even if you did not call last night
and nuthin

- Wednesday, July 01, 1998 at 12:07:05 (EDT)